


Your Warmth Draws Me Ever Closer (even next door is not close enough)

by Alielp



Category: Holby City
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brought to you by the Canon Holby Resistance, Elinor Lives, F/F, Romance, Slow Burn, separation and Divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-09-05
Packaged: 2018-10-18 13:06:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10617510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alielp/pseuds/Alielp
Summary: Serena Campbell is lonely.  She has people she cares about, and people who care about her, but no one she could really call ‘friend’.  Instead, she has a daughter who is the true embodiment of teenaged stroppiness, and a very demanding job as Lead Consultant on AAU.So when the quiet and reserved Bernie Wolfe moves in next door with her family; a woman of a certain age, who understands the pressures of her job, has Serena finally found someone with whom she can connect?A random AU reworking of Berena.  Bernie is still married to Marcus, and Alex never happened.  Also, Jason isn’t around (sorry!)





	1. Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

Waking to another blazing hot day, Serena Campbell emerged from her cool shower slightly refreshed and headed down the stairs.  Sticking her head around the living room door, she spied Elinor perched on the wide front window sill, knees drawn up to her chest and a frown marring her forehead.

“Morning love!” Said Serena, moving over to Elinor, and placing a hand on her shoulder.  “What are you looking at?”

“The new people are  _ finally _ moving in next door!” said Elinor.  “Just what we need.  More nosy neighbours!” she snipped.

“Come on, now, Ellie!  I'm sure they're perfectly pleasant.  We ought to at least give them a chance.  Actually, I'm surprised we don't know more about them,” mused Serena, “I can't believe neither Dom nor Essie have managed to dig up some dirt!” she said, referring to the most informed neighbours on the street.  Essie lived at no 12 with her husband Sacha, whilst Dom was at no 25 with his housemates Alicia and Jez.  The two were as thick as thieves, and between them, seemed to have a disturbingly accurate information network which made privacy somewhat of a challenge.  For example, Dom prided himself on maintaining a close rapport with Lee from the Estate Agents, and could usually be relied upon to provide a full dossier on anyone new moving into the area.

“What do they look like?” asked Serena, stroking Elinor's hair.

“Boring!” retorted Elinor. “A boring couple, with boring dweeb kids.  Perfect.”

“Kids? How old?”

“Don't know.  Probably around my age.”

“That'll be nice for you! You might make friends.”

“I don't think so, Mum”, said Ellie disparagingly.  “I doubt we'd have a thing in common.  I'll stick to the friends I've got, thank you very much.  Or at least I would, if they weren't all so busy planning their summer vacations.  I can't  _ believe _ you won't take me away somewhere this year.  It's  _ so _ unfair.”

“Come on, Ellie, we've been through this,  I have to work.”

“Work, work, it's always bloody work with you.  I wonder how you found the time to even  _ have _ me, you almost  _ live _ at the hospital.  No wonder dad went off with someone else.”

“Elinor!”  Serena cut in warningly.

“You know what I mean.” said Elinor, sheepishly, immediately realising she had gone too far.  “And I can't see why I couldn't have gone away with Dad this summer, either.”

“I know, sweetheart.  But your father and Liberty wanted to go away just the two of them this year.  I know it's hard, but you're starting University in a couple of months, you're going to be setting off on the biggest adventure of your life to date.  A few quiet weeks beforehand aren't going to hurt you.  Perhaps you could get a part time summer job, and put a bit of money away for then?”

“I don't think so!” said Elinor, horrified.  “I'd never have time to write then! No, if I'm going to be a journalist, and ace my Media Studies course, I should be spending my time preparing for that, not slaving away in some sweaty cafe somewhere!”   Knowing that she was beaten, Elinor got up and flounced out of the room, leaving Serena to cast a final glance out of the front window at the removal van parked there, before turning away to get on with her day.

__________________________

 

Shortly after 3pm that afternoon, the doorbell rang.  Serena carefully put the paperback she was reading down on the coffee table, rising to answer it.  Before she had the chance, however, she heard the hammering of feet down the stairs, and the door open.

“Oh, fabulous!” she heard her daughter exclaim, sarcastically.  “I'm going out!  MUUUUUM!”

Then, “Ooh, charming!  Nice to see you too, Ellie!”; this from Dom.

Not for the first time, Serena wished she didn't share the street with the two biggest busybodies from the hospital where they all worked.  She plastered on her brightest smile, and went to the door.

“Dom! Essie!  How delightful.  Come in!” She stepped aside, allowing them access. One after the other, they brushed past her, heading straight for the kitchen, Dom calling over his shoulder  “Break out the tea and biccies, and we’ll give you all the goss!”

Following behind, Serena cast a quick glance at her watch, muttering beneath her breath “And it's only taken you… 5 hours!”

Once the pot of tea was made and some biscuits plated, Serena joined Essie and Dom where they’d settled at the breakfast bar.

“Here we go.  So, what is it that you feel the need to share with me today?” she asked, even despite already guessing the answer, as she poured tea into their waiting cups.

“Your new neigh-bours!” replied Dom, in a sing-song voice.

“Ah!” Serena nodded, suspicions confirmed.  “Do you know, I remain utterly mystified as to how Hanssen allows the two of you to remain based on the same ward!  I can’t imagine that you ever manage to get any work done amidst your, erm,  _ fact finding _ , and then, ah,  _ animated discussion _ !”

“It takes skills, but we’ve got ‘em!” laughed Dom.

“And it  _ never _ affects our work!” agreed Essie.

“Well, not that anyone would ever know…” continued Dom.

“Please stop!” said Serena, already weary from the heat, and now even more so from their seemingly endless energy in the gathering and dissemination of gossip.  “I’m a Senior Consultant, I really don’t think it would benefit either of us for me to know any more about how you spend your  _ working _ days.  Just… just tell me what you want to share, and let’s leave the work talk out of it, shall we?”

“Ah, but that’s the thing!  We can’t!  Because… one of your new neighbours has a job at the hospital!” Dom adopted his sing song voice again.

“It’s a big hospital, Dr Copeland.  With a lot of staff.  Many of whom live around these parts.  So, thank you for sharing, but I hardly find that earth shattering information.”

“Oh, come on, you’re  _ terrible _ at the gossip game!” Dom chided.

“Let’s just fill you in from the beginning”, said Essie.  “We went round to visit after lunch…”

“...Just to welcome them to the neighbourhood” interrupted Dom.

“They seem quite nice.”  Essie took up the recount again.  “Apparently they’re both Doctors.  Marcus and Bernie, they’re called.  Bernie’s the one who has a job at Holby.  Marcus is starting at St James.  They’ve just moved down from London.  And they’ve got two kids, a boy and a girl.  I think they’re around Elinor’s age.”

“And the best news is, they’re all quite good looking!”  Dom’s eyes were shining with the thrill of the gabfest.  “We reckoned Marcus was around a 7…”

“No, I’d say an 8!” interrupted Essie.

“I think that’s a bit generous”, said Dom, “perhaps 10 years ago, but not now.  Anyway, he’s all swarthy and a bit sulky and broody looking, reminds me a bit of, well, you know.”

“You’re very well rid of Isaac, Dom.”  Serena reassured.  “Don’t even think about wavering.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.  Besides, I think Essie would kill me.”

“You’re not wrong!” agreed Essie.

“So, anyway, Marcus was about a 7  _ and a half _ ”, continued Dom, “and Bernie, well, I actually thought Bernie was a bit out of Marcus’ league.  No accounting for taste, though!  The son was quite nice looking too, what was his name again?” he asked Essie.

“Cameron, wasn’t it?” Essie asked.

“That’s right.  Now he was  _ definitely _ an 8!” said Dom.

“Nah, too scrawny!  I like them with a bit of meat!” said Essie.

“Just as well!” Dom gave a gentle dig.

“Oi, You!” Essie pretended to be indignant.

“Am I actually needed for this conversation?” asked Serena, voice laced with sarcasm.

“Personally,  _ I _ think it would be remiss of us not to fill you in on pertinent information about the people with whom you’ll be sharing a fence!” said Dom.

“Well, I hardly think your scoring of their appearance is going to make a blind bit of difference to any possible interaction I may have with them in the future.”  Serena didn’t bother to hide her exasperation.

“Heat getting to you, Ms Campbell?!”  Dom smirked.

“You know, actually, it is.  Thank you  _ so _ much for dropping round, but now I’m sure you’ve got many things you should be getting on with, so as  _ delightful  _ as it has been to see you, I really can’t keep you any longer.  No doubt I shall see you at work soon.”  Serena stood, ushering them both to the front door.  “Thanks for popping by, bye for now!”  she opened the door, waving almost before they’d stepped over the threshold.

Closing the door behind them brought some measure of relief.  In her time as Deputy CEO, gossip and the resulting fall out had been the bane of Serena’s life, and having never been much of one for poking into other people’s lives anyway, she had come to truly despise it.  Nevertheless, despite her distaste for Dom and Essie’s indulgence in such an insidious pastime, she liked them both for their many other qualities, and as such she did her best to tolerate this quirk with equanimity.

‘Ah, well,’ she thought.  ‘It really  _ is _ a big hospital, so as far as the neighbours are concerned, the chances of our paths crossing are fairly minimal.’

Little did she know.

_______________________

 

Meanwhile, next door, the furniture had all been moved to the relevant rooms and the last of the boxes had been brought in.  The children, Cameron and Charlotte, were each in their allotted rooms, organising their things.  Marcus had taken the kitchen, since he was the main chef in the house, and Bernie was unpacking knick knacks in the living room.  She was arranging photos on the mantelpiece of the ornate fireplace when Marcus came in.  He stood in the doorway for a moment, surveying Bernie’s work.

“Oh, no, don’t put them like that!” he said.  “We always have the photos of the children when they were the same age grouped together!”

“Oh”, said Bernie, quietly,  “I just thought…”

“No, do you know what?  You should do it your way.  Time for some new traditions, hey, Bern?  Now that we’ve got you back with us for good?”  Marcus slid his arm around Bernie’s waist, pulling her close and kissing her on the cheek.  “I love you, you know.” he said.

“I know.” replied Bernie, closing her eyes and holding her body stiffly.  She so wished she could say the words back to him.  Wished even more that she could mean them.  She pulled back slightly, forcing a smile and patting Marcus awkwardly on the arm.

“You’re right, I remember now.  We did always group them that way, didn’t we?  I think we should again.  I’ll change them now.”  and she pulled away from him entirely, grabbing at the chance to extricate herself from his embrace, the execution of her task providing her with just the excuse she had needed.


	2. The Mean Wards of Holby

Monday morning dawned bright and muggy, with no let up of the sweltering heat of the weekend, leaving Serena in a less than ideal mood.  It was one thing being far too hot in one's own home, when one could laze around drinking iced tea with a fan trained upon one’s person.   But it was quite another thing entirely when one was forced to work, and maintain a professional appearance whilst quietly dying inside.  And frankly, the weekend hadn’t exactly been a pile of laughs, as Elinor’s already perpetually irascible nature had most definitely been exacerbated by her discomfort.  In fact, Elinor really was the one thing that made the concept of work today to be a palatable option, the alternative being spending yet another day cooped up with her daughter, who, let’s face it, was more than ready to take up her place at University and strike out into the world by herself.

Thus, holding on to the idea of a family-dramaless day, Serena managed to drag herself into work and up onto the ward.  Mindful of the heat, she headed straight to the locker room and changed into some scrubs hoping the light cotton would provide some small relief.  Praying for a quiet day - after all, surely the majority of the time wasters would be out at the beach instead of clogging up the corridors of a building which should be solely reserved for the sick and dying - she headed straight to her office, switching on the fan and starting to sort through the pile of paperwork which had been building up on her desk.

Surprisingly, she managed to work for a couple of hours before she was interrupted.  The substantially decreased pile of paperwork, coupled with the constant relief of the fan, had gone a long way to improving Serena’s mood.  So, when Raf knocked on the door to inform her that they’d just received a call on the ward phone requesting her presence on Keller for a vascular consult, she almost managed to greet him with a smile.

Arriving on Keller, she was immediately shepherded to her patient by Sacha Levy, Essie’s husband and a consultant on the ward.  A number of probing questions and a physical examination later, Serena diagnosed Carotid Artery Stenosis, and Sacha directed her to Dom to request an ultrasound and a CTA for confirmation before she booked the Carotid Endarterectomy surgery. 

She found Dom hunched over at the nurses station, tapping away at patient notes on the computer, and she leaned on the back of his chair, surveying the rest of Keller ward as she told him what she needed.  Down at the far end of the ward, a flash of blonde hair atop a slender woman caught her eye.  She was clad in Keller burgundy scrubs, and frankly wearing them better than Serena had ever seen anyone wear them before.  She nudged Dom, inclining her head in the woman’s direction.

“A new face on Keller.  Who is it?”

“Hmm?”  Dom glanced up, frowning.  As he looked down the ward, his expression lifted and a gleeful smile split his face.

“Aha!  That, Ms Campbell, is your new neigh-bour!” he trilled.

“Oh,  _ do _ stop the sing song, Dr Copeland.  It’s becoming rather tiresome!  And what do you mean, that’s my new neighbour?”

“I mean, that is Bernie Wolfe, new locum Consultant specialising in trauma.”

“But, you… I thought… when you said Marcus and Bernie, I assumed it was a gay couple!  And didn’t you say their name was Dunn?”

“Hah!   You know what they say about assumptions!  But you’re right, I did.  And it is.  Although Ms Wolfe prefers to keep her own name, for professional reasons.”  Dom leaned closer to Serena, and spoke in a low voice.  “I’m not being funny, but if you had the choice to be Bernie Dunn or Bernie Wolfe, which one would  _ you _ choose?!”

Serena bit back the compulsion to chuckle, schooling her features to remain stern.

“That is a fair point, Dr Copeland.” she said, calmly.

She straightened, pursing her lips as she studied Ms Wolfe across the ward, deep in thought.  Admittedly, the blonde woman was some distance away, but regardless, she cut quite a striking figure.  Based on first impressions, and what she knew about Bernie’s grown children, at a guess, Serena would put her at a not entirely dissimilar age to herself. Serena watched as Bernie finished with a patient, and turned, heading further back to the depths of the ward.  Bernie’s body language seemed to suggest a strange mix of confidence and awkwardness, the latter possibly due to the newness of her position.   

In truth, despite being told that one of them would be working at Holby, Serena had barely spared her new neighbours a thought since Dom and Essie’s visit on Saturday afternoon, so it was quite a turn up for the books that Bernie should actually be a consultant.  Serena hadn’t for a moment considered that she might finally have the chance to know someone in her street who was more or less an equal.  Sacha didn’t count, she thought to herself - he was lovely, really just the sweetest man, but not really on her wavelength.  And if she were to attempt to talk anything through with him, he was as likely to decide they ought to hug it out as not -  _ not _ really Serena’s style.  Most of the other women on the street were more the dedicated housewife and mother types, a role that she’d never really been able to relate to.  And close friendships with the other medical people on the street had been a pretty firm no-no whilst she was still Deputy CEO, and remained less than wise to this day, as within the walls of their mutual employer, she was most definitely their superior, and too much fraternising had the habit of blurring the lines to everyone’s detriment. 

Perhaps, she thought, it might be time to make her new neighbour’s acquaintance.

\------------

Bernie’s day was not going well.  Used to the cut and thrust of field medicine against the backdrop of war torn climes, she was not enjoying the huge demands of fostering an almost counsellor-like approach to bedside manner, nor was she a fan of the endless reams of paperwork generated by the simplest of interactions.  As she had been forced to abandon her career as an army medic, she knew that short of giving up her beloved medicine, she had no choice but to adopt this bureaucratic method of working, but that didn’t mean that she had to like it, nor did it mean that she wouldn’t spend the occasional free moment playing a quick game of ‘anywhere but here’.  The hardest part of all was the patient interaction.  These patients weren’t the toughened soldiers with whom she’d spent the last countless years.  These weren’t people who wanted the bare facts, who held on to stoicism until the very last.  No, these were needy people who wanted softness and gentleness, encouragement and cajoling.  And rumour had it that Keller was one of the neediest wards of all.  Just her luck - Bernie wasn’t entirely sure that she had anything like the required amount of patience to be what her colleagues seemed to expect of her.

It was with a feeling of relief that she finally clocked off for the day, welcoming the respite before she had to go back in tomorrow and try and adopt the touchy-feely facade all over again.

Bernie walked in the front door that evening, hot and exhausted.  She dropped her keys into the bowl on the hall table, and kicked her shoes off beneath it.  Swiping the back of her hand across the damp strands of hair stuck to the perspiration on her forehead, she headed into the kitchen.  Marcus was there, back door and windows open as he stood humming to himself at the oven preparing dinner.

“Hello you!” He said cheerily, turning and dropping the tea towel from its place slung over his shoulder onto the counter top beside him.  He walked over to Bernie, gathering her close in a hug, and kissed her cheek.  

“This is so nice, having you arrive home at the end of your work day, instead of being stuck out in some godforsaken part of the world.  I am very much looking forward to getting used to my wife coming home to me every night!”

Bernie pulled her face into the biggest facsimile of a smile she could manage in response.

“How was your first day at St James?” She asked, turning to open the fridge and grab a cold drink.

“Interesting”, began Marcus, turning back to the stove.  “The surgeons will need a little time to get to know my abilities, but I'm fully planning to become the biggest fish  _ in  _ this small pond.  After all, that  _ was _ rather the point of our relocating down here from London, wasn't it?”

Bernie tightened her lips, and inclined her head in acknowledgement.

“Actually, Bern, to that end, a couple of the guys have invited me to the pub after work on Friday.  Apparently there's a big black tie thing coming up, and if I start making my presence felt, I'm hoping to wrangle an invitation.  It'll be a great chance to do some networking.  So, what do you say?”

“I'm sorry, about what?”  Bernie was confused.

“About Friday, of course!” Snorted Marcus. “Will you come for drinks with us?”

“Oh, I, erm -, surely you don't need me to be there?”  Bernie couldn't think of anything she'd like to do less.

“Well, I suppose I don't  _ need _ you.  But I'd like to have my beautiful wife on my arm!  And with you there, charming them with your tales of derring do on foreign soil, my stock will definitely go up!”

“It's just that, well, I might have to change shift at the end of the week.  So, I might be working.  I just can't say right now.  But you go ahead and make your plans anyway, and let’s just see what the week brings.  I'm sure you'll do exceptionally well, whether or not I'm able to be there.”

“I love that you're so supportive of me.” Marcus said with a smile.  “Okay - just let me know when you can.  Now, why don't you go and grab a quick shower, dinner will be ready in a bit.”

“Okay, yes.” agreed Bernie readily, uncomfortable under the weight of her lie, and grateful for the chance to extricate herself from the conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fear not, they will meet soon!


	3. To Watch, Perchance to Meet

Serena decided over the course of the day, that the best way to make Bernie’s acquaintance was through work.  To that end, she decided she would casually approach her at a relaxed moment, introduce herself, and perhaps share a coffee and take it from there.  It seemed somewhat easier than the inevitable awkwardness of showing up at her house, and having to make a judgement about whether they would get on or not, all the while being firmly planted in Bernie’s territory.  This way, safely on neutral ground, if they rubbed each other up the other way, they’d find out early and be able to work on a polite civility should their paths cross either professionally or personally.

As the week progressed, it became apparent that this was easier said than done.  Serena had made several unprecedented trips up to Keller, hoping to ‘bump into’ Bernie, but still hadn't managed to catch her.  The first time, Bernie had just started a patient consult, and although Serena had hung around for about ten minutes, ostensibly chatting to Dom, it had seemed clear that Bernie wasn't going to be done any time soon, and loitering any longer would have started to raise some questions about the true nature of Serena's visit.  The second time she had attempted it, Bernie had been in surgery.  This, now, was her third attempt.  As Dom saw her appear on the ward, he sniggered, nudging Essie, who was sat by his side.  

“I'm beginning to think you have designs on somebody on Keller, Ms Campbell!”  teased Dom.

Serena fixed him with a particularly stern look.

“I'm only joking!”  exclaimed Dom.  “But surely, if you're  _ still _ looking for Ms Wolfe, there are easier ways of bumping into your  _ neighbour _ than this!  And whilst  _ we  _ know the reason for your suddenly frequent visits to Keller, well, you know what people are like.  They  _ will  _ gossip…”

“Then I shall leave it in your capable hands to dispel that gossip, Dr Copeland.  It will make a refreshing change for you, from your normal role of instigating.”

“That's a bit harsh!  But okay.”  Dom twisted his mouth.  “Bernie is on a break at the moment.  I think she said something about getting coffee.”

“Thank you, Dom!”  said Serena, briskly turning and making her way to the lifts.  As soon as she was out of view of the main ward, she sped up, almost breaking into a jog in her haste to get down to Pulses to catch Bernie before she disappeared.

*

Serena wondered briefly as she stood, tapping her fingers impatiently against her leg, waiting for the lift to finish it’s descent, why it was that she was going to such lengths to make Bernie’s acquaintance.  She had obviously considered the possibility that they might become friends, but it wasn’t as if she were desperate.  She had always accepted her rather lonely existence, and in fact was generally quite happy with her own company.  She wasn’t a total recluse in her spare time; she enjoyed a semi regular drink after work at Albie’s either with her team, or one of the other consultants.  Elinor was in and out at home, sometimes with a gaggle of friends, so oftentimes there were more than enough people around there, too.  When Elinor was out, Serena cherished the quiet, and made the most of it by curling up with a book and a glass of wine, or if the weather was bright, spending time out in the garden.  She didn’t miss having company then.  So, the only thing really missing from her existence was a confidante.  Technically, she’d been there, tried that when she married Edward.  Of course, having a close  _ female _ friend would cut out a lot of the extra  _ issues _ that clouded her last attempt, but was her life really so lacking that she should be chasing Bernie’s acquaintance so frantically?

Her musings were brought to a swift halt as the lift finally came to a rest at it’s destination, giving a slight judder before pinging to confirm its arrival.

Bursting out of the lift doors, and choosing to ignore her interrupted thoughts, Serena skidded to a halt, self consciously tugging at her shirt and smoothing her hair.  She scanned the coffee shop, finally locating a flash of blonde hair through the queue of people at the counter, as Bernie received her coffee order and turned, head lowered, heading straight for Serena as she walked a path to the lift.  Serena moved toward her, intercepting her halfway.

“Hello!  You’re Bernie Wolfe, aren’t you?” she smiled broadly, holding out her hand.

Bernie looked up, dark eyes piercing the veil of her fringe.  The slight frown caused by the quizzical raising of her brows dissipated into a look of surprise as she saw Serena.

“Oh!  It’s you!” she said.

“Well, quite.”  Serena’s smile turned questioning.  “Serena Campbell, clinical lead, AAU.  And your new neighbour.”

“Really?!”  Bernie seemed pleased with the news.

“Yes, I’m at no. 18.  Welcome to the neighbourhood!  And, of course, the hospital!”  Serena gestured around them.  She tilted her head to one side enquiringly.  “Out of curiosity, what did you mean when you said, ‘oh, it’s you’?!”

Bernie blushed slightly.

“Oh, nothing really.”  she said.  “Just that I saw you on Keller a few days ago.  I wondered who you were.  And now I know.”  Bernie smiled.

“Indeed!  Well, since we’re both colleagues and neighbours, do you fancy stopping for a chat with your coffee?”

Bernie paused for a moment.  “Whilst that sounds lovely, I really need to be getting back to the ward.  Still finding my feet.”  she said ruefully.  “Another time?”

“Actually, I have a better idea.  Let’s say, Friday, after work.  Join me at Albies for a drink?”  suggested Serena.

“That would be… nice!” agreed Bernie, smiling.  

“Excellent.  I’ll see you then.”  Serena watched as Bernie gave a slight nod and another brief, almost shy smile, then continued on her way toward the lift.  

Serena remained still for a moment, watching Bernie walk away, and running through their brief interaction in her mind.  She was glad she had made such an effort to meet her.  She had felt an immediate kinship with Bernie, she had enjoyed talking with her, and had felt instantly uplifted in her presence.  But, now they had parted ways, Serena was left feeling strangely unsettled - although not in an unpleasant way.  It must be the prospect of finally having an opportunity to forge a friendship with someone who might just understand her, a woman of a similar age, with a similar background.  

Her lips quirked slightly in satisfaction, and she moved to join the queue for coffee,  making the most of her visit to Pulses before returning to the ward.

\-------------------

Exiting the lift, Bernie wandered slowly along the corridor back to Keller.  She, too, was feeling strangely contented after her meeting with Serena.  Not only did she finally had a genuine reason to avoid accompanying Marcus on his planned networking drinks tomorrow, but she also had the anticipation of the chance to make a new ally, perhaps even a friend, of her own - and it was all the more exhilarating that the potential ally in question was Serena Campbell.  

*

She had been behind drawn curtains, at a bedside on Keller when she first became aware of Serena.  She had just finished her examination of her patient, and was stood at the end of the bed writing up some notes on the patient’s chart, when Sacha had escorted Serena to the next bed along for her to consult on the CAS.  When Serena had started to speak, the rich, warm tones of her voice drifting through the curtain had brought Bernie to a standstill, driving all thoughts of her patient from her mind.  Bernie had lifted her head to listen, the sound sending a delicious shiver down her spine as it resonated through her whole body.  Now,  _ this _ was a voice she could listen to for hours.  She was immediately curious to discover who the voice belonged to, so, forcing her attention back to the notes, she swiftly finished her task and exited the cubicle, moving on to her next patient, but all the while with half an eye focussed on the hidden bed, waiting to see who emerged.  She continued thus for many minutes, attention split between her job and discovering the owner of the voice.  Finally, her vigilance was rewarded, and she watched as Sacha and a short-haired brunette woman left the bedside and headed toward the nurses station.  When Sacha walked away, and the brunette moved from the front of the nurses station to stand behind Dr Copeland, leaning on his chair, Bernie got her first proper look.  Her heart began to beat a little faster as she surreptitiously studied the curvaceous woman with the strong features and the gleam in her eye.  Without really knowing the reason why, she knew at that moment that she wanted to know the woman better.

And now, here she was, a couple of days later, and the very woman who had repeatedly flitted in and out of her thoughts had sought  _ her _ out.  And was her new neighbour no less.  

Life was definitely looking good.


	4. Too Hot To Handle

Much to everyone’s vexation, Friday was so far proving to be the hottest day to date.  Work was almost unbearable, the wards stuffy and airless, open windows doing nothing to dispel the heat.  There was a fan shortage - but then, it was the NHS, when wasn’t there a shortage?  Of course, when considering budgetary requirements when she was still Deputy CEO, fans didn’t even make the list, but that, thought Serena, just showed how uninformed she had really been.  In weather like this, there was a real risk of a compromise of patient care.  How could anyone work to their full potential when in such uncomfortable conditions?  The only thought that kept her going through the day, was the thought of meeting Bernie for a glass of wine when the purgatory that was today's shift was finally over.

5 o’clock literally couldn’t come soon enough.  The moment the clock ticked over, Serena grabbed her bag and coat, dashing into the bathroom to splash cold water on her face and neck, and to change out of her scrubs.  Noting the perspiration marks marring the fabric of her scrub top, she crossed her fingers in hope that she could get through at least part of the pub visit before similar marks appeared on her shirt.

Serena paused for a moment, trying to decide whether to head to the entrance and wait for Bernie outside, or whether to collect her from the ward.  Despite the appeal of being outside in the fresh air, the prospect of waiting with no idea as to whether Bernie was finishing on time, or had got caught up in a case, was less pleasant, so she decided to head up to Keller to chivvy Bernie along.

When Serena arrived on Keller ward, Bernie was deep in conference with Ric.  Serena hung back near the nurses station, waiting for their conversation to be finished before walking over to Bernie.  Bernie gave a small smile when she saw Serena, but it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Hello.” she said, hesitantly.

“Hello yourself.  I’ve just come to collect you for our drink.  Are you ready?”

Bernie looked immediately troubled.

“Oh, um, I’ve been so looking forward to a drink and a chat, but the thing is, I don’t think I can manage it tonight!”

“Oh.  Oh, right.”  Serena struggled to keep the disappointment out of her voice.  “Well, another time then?”

“Yes, definitely.”

Serena turned to leave.

“Serena, wait!  I really  _ was _ looking forward to it.  It’s just that I’m so damned hot, I’m not sure I could stand sitting inside a pub full of people.  I don’t even mind heat really, but it’s the humidity.  I feel like I’ve been walking through syrup all day.  I’m just desperate to cool down!”

“Now that, I quite understand!” said Serena.  She thought for a moment, then suddenly her face brightened.  “I can’t think why this is only occuring to me now - and feel free to say no if you think it’s a terrible idea, but…  We’re neighbours!  If it appeals, why not head home and cool down, then pop round to mine?  I’ve got plenty of wine in, and we could sit in the garden and have a chat?  Only if it appeals, of course.  Otherwise, a rain check will be fine!”

“Actually, that appeals a great deal.  If, if you’re sure you don’t mind?”

“Of course not!  I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t sweltering too!  I’m just sorry I didn’t think of it before.  Well, I’m going to head off then.  Give me half an hour or so, and then just come round when you’re ready.  I’ll see you in a while.”

Serena gave a last smile, before turning around and heading back toward the lift.

“See you!” called Bernie, to Serena’s retreating back.

*

With new and infinitely more appealing plans in place, Bernie raced through her last few tasks, and escaped the hospital.  Driving home with the windows down, she relished the feeling of the breeze whipping around her face, and mentally ran through her wardrobe choices, wondering just how much of an effort she ought to make.

As she pulled up in her drive, she was surprised to see Marcus’s car already there.  Suddenly hesitant, she fitted the key into the lock, and walked into the house.

“Bernie?”  Marcus’s voice called from upstairs.

“Hello.” she offered in response, as Marcus appeared and headed down the stairs.

“Hi love”, he said, leaning over to kiss her cheek.  “I didn’t expect to see you.  Does this mean you’ve decided to come to the pub with me tonight after all?”

“Oh, I’m sorry - no.  I’ve just popped back to shower and change, and then I’m heading out again.  I didn’t realise you’d be here.”

“I wouldn’t have been.  But the other chaps weren’t quite finished.  I nearly waited at the hospital, but knowing my luck, I’d have been pulled into some emergency and missed the drinks all together.  So I decided to do what you’re doing, head home and change before going back out.  I’m done with the shower, so it’s all yours.  Unless you’d like some company?!” he asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“Tempting,” said Bernie, in a less than convincing tone, “But I don’t think I have enough time for that right now!  You head off for your drinks.  We’ll catch up later.”

“I’ll hold you to that!” said Marcus with a wink.  

Bernie bit back a sigh of relief, making for the shower and feeling half tempted to lock the bathroom door.  She dialled the temperature down to just barely warm, and stripped off, stepping under the spray and turning her face up, the cool water cascading over her providing instant relief.  She washed her hair and body, staying under the shower for long minutes even after she’d finished, waiting for the coast to be clear.  Finally, she heard Marcus call out his goodbyes, and she turned the shower off, and, not bothering with a towel, she padded into the bedroom.  She dragged a comb through her hair, still fretting over what to wear.  In the end, comfort won over all other considerations, and she pulled out a vest top and a pair of shorts, tying her wet hair up to keep it off her neck, and eschewing makeup in favour of the natural look.  She was even tempted to not bother with shoes, but feeling that might be pushing the bounds of acceptable just a little too far, she shoved her feet into tennis shoes, frowning as she felt her feet start to overheat instantly.

Ready as she would ever be, she grabbed her keys, and locking the door behind her, she headed up her own path and through the front gate, before immediately turning into the gate next door and walking up to the door of no.18.

Serena answered the door looking cool and relaxed in capri trousers and a short sleeved shirt.  Her makeup had been reapplied, and she looked immaculate.  Bernie suddenly felt incredibly under dressed, self consciously scuffing the toe of her shoe on the step as she lowered her eyes to the floor, missing Serena’s reaction to her.

Eyes wide, Serena’s mouth fell open as she struggled to take in air.  Her eyes travelled the impossibly long length of Bernie’s bare legs, from her slender ankles all the way up to shorts far briefer than she would ever dare to wear herself.  Yet Bernie looked perfect in them, like they had been tailored especially for her.  The shorts sat low on her hips, leaving her tight vest to cling to the curves of her waist and breasts.  Serena had always prided herself on her open mindedness, particularly in her ability to appreciate the beauty of other women - purely as a form of art, of course - but this just went beyond any art she’d ever had the pleasure of beholding.  Without thinking, she blurted out “How old are you?”

Bernie’s eyes snapped up, and she looked shocked.

Serena’s hand flew to her mouth in horror as she realised how rude she had been.

“Forgive me!” She gasped from behind her fingers.  “I was just thinking how I could never get away with such an outfit, well, not without spilling out of it in all sorts of places, and I was feeling a little envious that you wear it so well!  I spoke without considering how it would sound.  I'm so sorry, Bernie.  Forgive me?”

“Don't worry.”  Despite her words, Bernie still looked uncomfortable, feeling like she'd made a major faux pas by choosing such casual attire.

“Come in, come in!  I wasn't sure what you'd like to drink, I have some beer in the fridge, and some white wine, and I've got plenty of red too.  I'm a bit of a red woman myself, though in weather like this, sometimes chilled wins out!”  Serena was babbling, trying to rush past the discomfort of her thoughtless outburst.

“Erm, white wine would be lovely, thank you.  Or beer.  Whichever is easiest.”  Bernie followed Serena into the kitchen.

“I'll open the white wine, and join you in a glass, I think.  Then we can head out to the garden.”

Serena took a couple of glasses from the cupboard, opening the wine and filling both up generously.  She turned, handing one to Bernie, before indicating the open back door.

“Thank you”, said Bernie.  “52.”

“Sorry?”  Serena looked momentarily confused.

“You asked my age.  I'm 52.”

“Ah!”  Serena glanced away, embarrassed.  “I shall be joining you there very shortly.  And I'm now even more impressed that you look so good!”

It's was Bernie's turn for embarrassment, and her cheeks flared red.  Quite charmed by Bernie’s discomfort in the face of compliments, Serena smiled, leading the way outside, leaving Bernie to trail after her like a lost puppy.

Serena collapsed on a chair pulled up to a garden table complete with sunshade, on the patio.  Bernie took the other seat, angling her body toward the stretch of garden ahead of her.

“I rather think it’s cooling a fraction now.”  said Serena, taking a long swallow of her wine.  “I’m sure I feel a slight breeze.”

“About time!” said Bernie, kicking off her shoes and stretching her legs out in front of her.  She wriggled her toes appreciatively, head rolling back in pleasure.  Serena swallowed hard, eyes tracking the long line of Bernie’s neck, then downwards, skimming over the thrust of her breasts as she arched her back slightly, and onto her endless legs, lightly tanned and perfectly toned.

Serena dragged her eyes away, taking another long gulp of her wine.

“So, what brings you to Laburnum Grove, then, Ms Wolfe?”

Bernie sighed.  “It was just time for a change.  Marcus wanted a clean slate.” she fought to hide the wistful tone pervading her words.

“Did you need one?” asked Serena curiously.

“I don't know.  Maybe.  We were in London before.  Well, Marcus and the kids were.  I was away with the army more than I was at home.”

“The army?!” exclaimed Serena.  “I had no idea!”

“Yes, Major Berenice Wolfe, formerly of the RAMC, at your service.”  Bernie gave a mock salute.

“What happened, if you don't mind me asking?”

“I served out my term.  They offered me a full commission, another 10 years, and a big part of me wanted to take it.  But Marcus, and the kids, they wanted me to stay so badly.  I've been around so little, I've missed most of the kids childhoods, I've left Marcus to raise them.  I felt like I owed it to them, to my marriage, to stay, and try and make things work.  But it's hard, you know?  The work I did, it's so important.  I feel like I'm letting people down, not being there on the front lines.”  Bernie’s hand shook with emotion as she reached out to pick up her wine glass.

“You're right, the work you were doing  _ is _ important”, said Serena carefully.  “But there are opportunities in civilian life to do important work too.  Perhaps it’s just a case of finding your niche.  I mean, moving from frontline work to essentially spend your day on electives must feel strange.  But there are other departments, a bit closer to your speciality.  A & E, for example?”

“Perhaps.”  Bernie chewed at her lower lip, staring off into the distance.

“So Marcus felt that with your permanent return home, it was time for a fresh start?”  Serena probed gently.

“Yes.  He said with me back to pitch in, he wanted to accelerate his career.  He felt that he would have better prospects of promotion outside London, so he did some research, found the house, and took care of it all.”

“Were you not involved in the purchase?”

“Well, not really.  But I think Marcus is just used to making decisions by himself, so I don't blame him.  And it  _ is _ a rather nice house.”

“I'm not sure that's the point, my dear.  If Edward had done that to me, I'd have killed him!  Although, come to think of it, what he actually  _ did _ do to me was a damned sight worse…”

“Edward is your… husband?”

“Very, very much  _ ex _ husband.  No, he has some other poor woman under his thrall now.  Although I’m not sure I really pity her, I'm not even convinced she's got the wits to realise what she's got herself into!  I wouldn't be sorry if I never had to cross paths with him again, but sadly we still co parent our daughter, so I'm forced to dredge up some civility now and again.”

“Hah!”  Bernie chuckled.  

“Anyway”, said Serena, gently steering the conversation back around, “trauma medicine with the RAMC!  I shan’t be so insensitive as to ask you what it was like - I can well imagine it’s something that isn’t easy for you to talk about.  But if you feel comfortable, I’d love to hear about any specific techniques you developed on the front line?  Or any particularly interesting and complicated surgeries?  Only, as I say, if you’re happy telling me?”

Bernie looked at Serena curiously, a new appreciation in her eyes for Serena’s sensitivity.

“I’ve a few tales I could tell.  But first, I think we need more wine!”

*

In fact, as they shared tales of surgeries performed and techniques mastered, they managed to work their way through several bottles of wine.  When Serena complained about the regular trips to the fridge to get top ups, Bernie helped her MacGuyver a wine cooler out of a plant pot, a couple of plastic bags and a load of ice.  They were very proud of their invention, sniggering at Elinor’s derision when she had returned home later to find them still sitting outside watching the slow fading of the light, merry, engrossed in their conversation.

By the time they’d begun the fourth bottle of wine, they were both decidedly tipsy.  

“Good job I’m not driving home!” laughed Bernie as she stumbled on her way back from the toilet.

“Home, yes!  A long and weary walk instead!”  Both Bernie and Serena found this hilarious, laughing until tears rolled down their face.  As their mirth was beginning to subside, they heard voices from over the fence.  Bernie clapped her hand to her mouth, eyes like saucers as she tried to silence herself.  A female voice was heard first:

“No, seriously, Cam.  I’m  _ sure  _ I just heard Mum in the garden.  She was laughing!”

A male voice responded.

“Well, she’s quite clearly not here, Lottie.  Perhaps the move has scrambled your brain.”

Apparently the male had punctuated his words with some sort of action too, because the female squealed aloud.  “Ow!  Was that  _ really _ necessary?!”

“It wouldn’t be, if you still had pigtails to pull!”

The voices, including Lottie’s retort, faded as their owners, their search having proven futile, clearly headed back into the house.

Serena, who had been holding her breath as she watched Bernie’s wide eyed gaze, dissolved into giggles again.

“Was that your children?!”  she asked, in an exaggerated whisper.

“Yes!” replied Bernie, in an equally loud whispered response.  “They don’t know I’m here!”

“Is my house on the banned list, then?  Or are you just out after curfew?!”  

Another bout of giggles ensued, and they shushed each other comically.

“Neither”, said Bernie, calming down.  “But Marcus doesn’t know I’m here, he thinks we met at the pub.  And I think I want to keep it that way.”

“Oh.  Ok?”  Serena tried to sound understanding, but the confused expression on her face was unmistakeable.  Bernie watched her for a moment, before allowing her alcohol loosened tongue to continue.

“It’s just that Marcus wants to do everything together.  He had drinks with  _ his _ colleagues tonight, but he wanted me to go with him, even though it was just colleagues after work and I’d have been like an unnecessary forcep!”  Bernie hiccupped.  “I feel a bit… suffocated.  I think if he found out that we’d spent the evening here, just next door, he would want to include himself next time, maybe even try to ‘network’ with you a bit.  But I think I like the idea of having a friend who is just mine.  Does that make sense?” Bernie asked, imploringly.

“It does.  I understand.  And I think I like the thought of being ‘just yours’ too!”

The two women smiled goofily at each other.

“Think I’d better go now!”  Bernie stood, grabbing the edge of the table as she wobbled slightly.  “Got to get home before the kids catch me out!”  she started back into the house to make her way to the front door.

“Bernie!”  Serena hissed in an incredibly loud stage whisper.  “Your shoooooooooes!!”  she picked up the specified items and lurched toward Bernie.  As she held the trainers out, both women stumbled at the same time, hands clutching at each others forearms for balance, a fresh wave of giggles overtaking them.

“Think I’d better help you to the door!” laughed Serena, throwing her arm across Bernie’s back.  Bernie responded in kind, and together, they staggered down the hallway to the front door.  Releasing Bernie, Serena made an exaggerated show of hanging onto the doorframe, comically sticking her head out of the front door and looking in all directions - making sure that the coast was clear, she said - before moving aside.  Bernie tiptoed out, shoes still in hand, making a slightly less-than-direct dash up Serena's path, through the gates, and down her own.  Serena gave one last frantic wave, before disappearing back into her house, leaving Bernie to try and formulate a reason  - in case she got caught - for why she went to the pub in a tank top and short shorts... and returned shoeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I’m not denying that this is the second fic running that I’ve had Bernie exposing lots of leg, then stretching her legs out and dropping her head back. What can I say? It’s my aesthetic…
> 
> Also, I drafted this chapter before 17 April, and have not amended it to fit post 17th. It's a pointless thing to justify, but I couldn't seem to help myself!


	5. Patting Heads and Rubbing Stomachs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who has left comments. I really appreciate every single one. Thank you x

The next morning, Bernie woke with a dry mouth and a slight headache.  She was drawn downstairs by the smell of coffee and bacon, and came into the kitchen to find Marcus putting the finishing touches on a full English.

“Mmm!  What’s all this in aid of?” she asked appreciatively as she poured herself a coffee and took the first scalding sip.

“I thought we could both do with something substantial, after our drinking sessions last night.  Hope yours went well - you were sound-o when I got in!”  Marcus served the bacon and eggs on to the waiting plates.  “By the way, who’s Serena?”  he asked casually, bringing the plates to the table.

Bernie nearly spat out her coffee.

“Sorry!  H-hot!”  She stuttered,  mind whirling.  “Um, she’s a consultant at Holby.  She was there for drinks yesterday.  Um, why?!”

“Just curious.  You were talking in your sleep last night.  You kept saying her name, and laughing.  You must have put a bit of booze away, Bern!  You usually only talk in your sleep when you’ve had a skin full.  Bit of a joke, then, is she - this Serena?!”

Bernie, cheeks flushed with embarrassment, kept her gaze fixed on her coffee mug.

“No, actually, she’s very good.  But she  _ is _ quite funny, she can tell an amusing story.   I must have been remembering something she said.”  She lowered her head further, and focussed on her food, praying that Marcus would drop the subject.  As she ate, she cast her mind back over the conversations of the previous evening.  She inwardly cringed as she suddenly flashed back to asking Serena to be ‘just hers’, but then immediately recalled Serena’s ready agreement to do just that.  The recollection caused Bernie to redden again, as a different and less definable kind of heat shot through her body, causing her to squirm in her seat, and making her feel hyper sensitised.  Trying to ground herself again, she took another big sip of her coffee, and glanced up at Marcus.

“So, how did your drinks go?”

“Pretty good.  Sorry I was so late back - the guys were determined to make a night of it, and it wouldn’t have done to not have been able to keep up.”

“Don’t worry, you didn’t disturb me.”  assured Bernie.

“The bar was pretty packed, actually.  I got to meet a couple of other Consultants from other departments too, so I count that as quite a success!” continued Marcus.  

As he launched into a lengthy tale about how his evening had progressed, and the people he’d met along the way, Bernie inwardly breathed a sigh of relief that his attention had been redirected, and further questioning about Serena had been averted.

\----------------

Serena awoke with a persistently thumping head, and, inexplicably, a matching pulse of arousal between her legs.  She lay still for a moment, waiting for the feeling to pass.  It didn’t.   ‘It’s clearly been far too long since I last had sex’, she thought as she rolled over, pulling open her bedside drawer and feeling around for her vibrator.  ‘Orgasm first, then coffee and painkillers’, she thought, setting the vibrator at a low and steady speed.  She slid it under the covers, lightly stroking the tip over her clit.  Already incredibly wet and aroused from her forgotten dream, it took a surprisingly short time before her back was arching as a powerful orgasm swept through her.  If, at the point of her release, the image of Bernie sat in the garden chair with her head thrown back, breasts pressing forward, and bare legs stretched out before her flashed through Serena’s mind, then she dismissed it as nothing more than a curiosity.  Merely an appreciation for a work of art, that had popped up at the strangest of moments.

Itch now scratched, Serena headed to the bathroom before making her way downstairs for coffee.

\-------------------

An hour or so later, Bernie made her way into the hospital for her Saturday morning shift, head ringing.  She had done her best to pay attention to Marcus talking endlessly about his new colleagues, but her attention had kept getting diverted by fractured thoughts from last night.  She had opened up to Serena far more than she was comfortable with.  She didn’t really have any friends - she had left those with whom she’d had a bond when she’d left the army.  Even then, those friendships weren’t of the hugely sharing variety, not outside the parameters of the job.  They might share thoughts after losing - or saving - a soldier that they knew, but home life was a different matter.  They all had photos up, and all knew the names of each other’s partners and children, but beyond that, they didn't share many intimacies about those they'd left behind.  Family tended to be kept sacrosanct, unsullied by the harsh realities of their daily life, as if speaking too much of them aloud would drag them onto the front line, and into danger.  So to have shared as much as she did of the reasons for her and Marcus’ relocation to Holby, and other tidbits from their life together - even though some of it was under the influence of alcohol, had left her feeling extremely uneasy.  She couldn’t understand how Serena had so effortlessly slipped unseen through her defences, drawing Bernie out of herself without Bernie even realising it was happening.

With this dichotomy between the pleasant recollections of enjoyment of last night, and the confusion of feeling that she had revealed too much, Bernie found herself constantly vacillating between a desire to see Serena again, and resolving to avoid her until the intimacies of the previous evening had faded a little.

*

Serena, however, had no such qualms.  After coffee, toast and a shower, she logged on to her work laptop and sent off a quick email to Bernie.

‘Bernie,

Hope your head is ok today!  Had a great evening, fancy doing it again next Friday after work?  Having said that, if you fancy a coffee and a chat in the meantime, just call me!

See you soon,

Serena’

*

Bernie didn’t actually see the email until lunchtime.  She had decided to throw herself into work to calm her mind, and had spent the morning volunteering for consults, and offering herself as an assist in surgeries.  But by midday, the ward was calm, and no one was accepting help, so she had no choice but borrow Ric’s office and start clearing some of her admin - a task that she detested, and hardly one that would prevent her from succumbing to the distraction of her thoughts.

When she finally sat down, opened her email, and saw the message from Serena, her instinctive reaction was a rush of pleasure.  Then, as thought followed, came a moment of panic - what if last night she had done or said something which in the cold light of day had caused Serena offence?  Nervously tapping her foot, Bernie clicked on the email.  After reading it through, she sat back in her seat, and twisted her hands together.  Long minutes passed as she struggled to decide how to respond.  Accept the invitation, have another nice evening but this time without drinking - thereby negating the risk of further oversharing?  Or politely decline, and let the dust settle a bit to avoid the potential for Serena to ask any personal questions as a follow up to anything already discussed?

When no decision came to mind, she decided to postpone the issue.  She closed the program, got up and walked to the office door, intending to go and make another check on the ward.  But as she rested her hand on the door handle, she paused and took a deep breath.  This was ridiculous.  It was just a friendly email.  Any normal person would just send a quick reply, and be done with it, no need for all this soul searching.  Resolving not to overthink it, she returned to her seat and reopened the mail, clicking on the reply button and immediately beginning to type.

‘Head is fine, thanks.  Don't know about next Friday.  I think Marcus has something planned.  Thank you, though,

Bernie.’

She hit send.  There.  Decision made, situation dealt with, and a little distance successfully reestablished.

*

Five minutes later, after the initial triumph of dealing with the issue had faded, Bernie ruminated on the exchange of messages.  It had been lovely of Serena to get in touch so quickly to express her enjoyment of their drinks.  And all her issues with opening up notwithstanding, Bernie  _ had _ had a great time too.  The best time she'd had in ages.  It was so rare that she felt such a kinship with someone, especially now she wasn't on active duty.  Serena had the potential to be a real friend.   _ So why had she sent such a terse and dismissive reply?! _  Bernie spiralled into panic, feeling like she could kick herself, frantically searching the net to see if it was possible to recall the reply she had sent (it wasn't).  So, she had two choices.  She could either leave things as they were, and accept the fact that she'd taken steps to wreck the best chance of friendship she had, or she could send another message apologising for the first.  (Or she could call - but that was really straight off the table.  She’d never be able to actually formulate  _ words _ .)

Email it was.  She sat in front of the computer blankly for several moments.  Finally she began to type.

‘Serena,

I’m sorry, I realise my last reply sounded a bit short.  My head might be ok, but I think it’s left me a little grumpy!  May I let you know later about Friday?

I hope you’re feeling well, see you soon.

Bernie’

*

The email exchange played on her mind for the remainder of her working day, as she hoped that her second reply had made up for her less than enthusiastic initial response.  A consult and subsequent surgery kept her away from computers until her shift was over, but had her dashing back to the first free terminal as soon as she clocked off, both nervous and relieved when she saw Serena had replied.

‘Ah, don’t worry, work is never the bringer of good moods after a night of drinking!  Perhaps not ideal timing!  Feel free to let me know whenever you do.  If you are free, we can give Albie’s a try, alternatively you’re welcome to come here again and help me put the world to rights!

I hope the rest of your day improved.

Serena’

It took less than 24 hours for Bernie to decide that the chance to spend time with Serena far outweighed any personal concerns about over-sharing.  

And thus, a regular arrangement was born.

*

Unsurprisingly, Bernie wasn’t able to keep from Marcus for long that the Serena Campbell of the sleep-talking debacle was their new next door neighbour, nor that they were becoming such fast friends.  Very shortly after discovering that Serena lived just next door, Marcus began to extend periodic invitations to her to join them for dinner, or drinks. Serena rarely declined, despite being aware of Bernie’s apparent discomfort. (Serena had asked Bernie early on if she would rather Serena made up excuses.  Bernie insisted not, saying that it was fine.) 

The first time Serena went next door for dinner, she took Elinor with her.  Elinor had of course been most dismissive of the idea, saying that she would soon be away at Uni, so what was the point?  Serena, however, was insistent that she should meet their new neighbours, citing how very well she got along with Bernie as an indicator for the potential for friendship between Elinor, Charlotte and Cam.  After much threatening and cajoling on Serena’s part, Elinor finally agreed.

The evening had started well enough, although Elinor’s lack of enthusiasm had been obvious.  Cameron and Charlotte were both well mannered and charming, Cameron and Bernie seemingly had a good relationship which allowed for lots of gentle teasing, something which Serena quietly envied, knowing Ellie would never tolerate being teased that way, nor would it occur to her to tease in turn.  The easygoing banter was also a new and fascinating side of Bernie that Serena would never have guessed at.  Charlotte was much quieter and more subdued, more like Bernie in looks and apparently also in her generally reserved temperament.  Marcus, however, was the life of the party, keeping up a constant and friendly patter, managing to include everyone, even while he was finishing the final touches of the dinner he had been cooking.  He had served the informal dinner at the kitchen table.  When everyone had their meals before them, he had seated himself across from Serena, in the empty chair next to Bernie, and they had begun to eat. 

As the meal and conversation progressed, Serena had watched Bernie and Marcus’ interactions with interest.  With Bernie having shared so little about Marcus and their marriage, Serena had been looking forward to seeing for herself the dynamics of Marcus and Bernie’s relationship.  Marcus, she noted, deferred to Bernie often in his conversation, lavishing her with fond glances, and casual touches.  Bernie, however, made no move to reciprocate any of these natural and affectionate gestures, but rather, seemed to stiffen and on occasion even flinch under Marcus' caresses.  Serena's curiosity as to the workings of their marriage had begun to run rampant.  Her growing interest in the subject had soon been frustratingly deflected, however, by her discomfort at Elinor’s consistent and increasingly pronounced rebuffing of anyone who tried to draw her into conversation.  

In fact, as the last person finished their meal, Elinor had pushed her chair back and asked to be excused, stating that she had a friend waiting to hear from her that she really ought to attend to.  Serena had shrunk back in embarrassment at Elinor’s ungrateful behaviour, even as both Marcus and Bernie waved Elinor off, telling her it was fine.  As Elinor left, Bernie watched Serena with a sympathetic look, as Marcus made a joke about teenagers and their distaste for family meals.  That first meal had been the only meal that Elinor attended.

*

On their weekly get togethers, Serena and Bernie occasionally went to Albie’s, but for the most part, they just stayed at Serena’s house.  Although neither had expressly articulated the intention to do so, both women had instinctively kept from Marcus that so many of their meetings were at Serena’s house instead of surrounded by colleagues at the pub.  It was as if they both knew that Marcus’ naturally gregarious nature would mean he would automatically assume he was invited along on the evenings he was free, and neither wanted to lose the air of laughter, trust and intimacy which was slowly building between them to that of a more decorous politeness.

Bernie had indeed slowly begun to learn to open up more readily.  In response to Serena’s natural openness and lack of reticence in discussing things from her own life - from her miserable marriage, to the men she had known since; to the issues she had with Elinor and her attitudes, Bernie had tentatively started to share more snippets of her own life.  She had spoken more about her time in the forces, sharing moments and feelings that she had never before told anyone.  She talked often about Cameron and Charlotte, and about how little she felt she knew them and how much she regretted that fact.  She confided that she felt that her maternal instinct had been damaged somehow by her frequent and extended absences, and that despite loving them so very deeply, she didn’t know how to express it.  She spoke also of the challenges she faced at work, Serena offering glimpses of her own work issues in return.

Indeed, they spoke of everything and nothing. However, as time went on, Serena became increasingly aware that the one topic that Bernie always seemed to avoid speaking about was her marriage.  This seemed strange considering the other parts of her life she had begun to trust Serena with.  Although she never remarked on the omission to Bernie, Serena had to admit to herself a gnawing fascination with the subject, the flames of her curiosity stoked ever higher at each subsequent shared dinner.  Although she badly wanted to ask Bernie about it, she held back, not wanting to intrude on areas of Bernie’s life that she wasn’t ready to share.

\--------------

Months passed.  Elinor had left to begin her Media Studies course at University, and Serena found her absence to be a little unnerving.  It wasn’t like she saw Ellie much when she  _ was _ there, but there was something comforting in having your child come home every evening, in knowing where they were, and that they were safe.  She missed that assurance, initially checking in with Ellie daily, until Ellie declared that she would refuse to answer texts with no specific purpose more often than once a week.  Serena had argued that checking that your own child was safe and happy  _ was _ a specific purpose, but to no avail.  She hadn’t given up messaging, but she had given up expecting regular replies.

Without consciously realising it, and without Elinor around to distract her from herself, Serena began to look forward to her weekly get togethers with Bernie more than ever before.  She’d had female friends before, women she trusted to back her, women she could have a chat and a laugh with.  Sîan, for example.  But not one of them made her feel so thoroughly supported and appreciated as Bernie did.  Not one of them made Serena miss them when she’d been out of their company for mere hours.  Not one of them had ever caused her to notice the little things about them - their hands, their necks, the shape of their ears when they tucked their hair behind them.  She had noticed  _ obvious _ things about other women before - general figures, breasts, backsides - hardly possible  _ not _ to when you had a friend like Sîan who insisted on showing you hers every five minutes.  But, previously, having noticed, she’d never found herself dwelling on the recalled images whilst lying in bed at night, nor wondering what it might be like to do more than just look.

These thoughts and feelings had initially given her pause.  She was cognisant enough to recognise the symptoms of attraction, and mildly taken aback that it should be a woman who had ignited them within her.  But Serena was nothing if not practical, and she certainly wasn’t naive enough to think that being attracted to someone had to be acted upon, or to change anything in any way, regardless of gender.  Attraction could be ignored.  Friendship came first.  

So yes, Serena had had friends in the past, but never one such as Bernie, who was so totally there, both to support and to stimulate her, body and mind.  Life was good.

For her part, Bernie grew more settled, at least at work and in the new house.  Whilst she still wasn’t enamoured by the slow pacing on Keller, she had gradually adjusted to the workings of the NHS, and she liked to think that her bedside manner was now slightly more in line with civilian hospital requirements.  Additionally, putting in long hours at the hospital -  staying to watch over patients who could have been handed over, or tackling the dreaded paperwork after hours, allowed her to manage the time she spent at home.  She still grabbed at opportunities to spend regular time with her children, but she was finding everyday life with Marcus less than idyllic. 

Things had always been good between them previously.  When she was on leave from active duty, they had always been so happy to see each other after months apart, spending the first few weeks catching up and enjoying each other’s company.  Then, when that first rush had worn off, there was an impending departure date to think of - usually still a couple of months away, but looming nevertheless.  So, Bernie had always had the knowledge that soon they would be apart again to keep her from thinking too much about how she felt within the marriage.  

Now that Bernie’s Army days were gone though, and there was no upcoming tour, nothing to stop them from being together every day - their entwined futures stretching endlessly ahead of her; she was feeling more and more detached from Marcus and their relationship.  Despite her former resolve to do whatever it took to make things work between them, the task was seeming more and more insurmountable, and Bernie’s discomposure was only growing.

Having lost the regimen of army life, and now feeling adrift from her marriage, having Serena in her life provided Bernie with an anchor, a port of call, a support system the likes of which she hadn’t previously experienced. The knowledge that she had a friend close by, both at work and just next door to home; someone who was always in her corner, whether she chose to reach out to them or not, provided a balm to Bernie’s soul that she had never even realised she needed.  Serena became the first person she thought of when she had news to share, or a problem to talk through, although in practice she still struggled to share any issues that she faced.  Oftentimes, unbidden, Serena was the first person she thought of in the morning, and the last at night.  It was mildly confusing, but, having not had a close female friend since her childhood friend, Rose Macklin, had hurt her so badly, Bernie hypothesized that perhaps this was just how it always was between best friends.

*

Bernie and Serena’s social evenings continued, usually on a Friday.  This week, however, they had agreed on an earlier and far more sober evening - meeting at Serena’s house on Thursday evening instead, as to Serena’s delight, Elinor was coming home from University for the weekend.

With both having work the following day, they decided to limit themselves to a single bottle of wine, and to order a takeaway instead.

They sat at Serena’s kitchen table, with the food spread out between them.  Serena’s eyes were bright as she talked about Elinor, whilst Bernie tucked into the Chinese before her.  

“Aren’t you going to eat any more?” asked Bernie, a while later.  “You’ve barely had anything!”

“Not very hungry,” said Serena, taking another sip of her wine.  I think I’m just excited!”

“There’s a fair bit left over.”

“You can take it back with you, if you like?  See if the kids want any?”

“Ok, if you’re sure you won’t decide you’re hungry later and fancy it?”

“No, I doubt it.  Go ahead.”

They moved into the living room shortly afterward,  sinking into the sofa.  Serena grimaced as she sat, resting her hand across her stomach.

“Everything ok?” asked Bernie, noting the gesture.

“Hmm?  Oh, yes, fine.  Just a pang of indigestion.  Nothing to worry about.  Got to get on and make up Elinor’s bed in a bit.”

“Of course.  Well, thanks for dinner, I think I’ll let you get on now.  See you at work tomorrow?”

“Definitely.  Night, Bernie.”  Serena beamed at her.

“Night, Serena.”

*

At midmorning the following day, Bernie headed down to Pulses, grabbing two coffees and a pastry.  She headed up to AAU.  

“Morning, Fletch.  Serena about?”

“She’s in the office.  Good luck - she’s like a bear with a sore head today!”

“That’s odd, she was in such a good mood yesterday, with Elinor coming home today.”

“Well, I don’t know what happened, but you’ll be taking your own life in your hands if you go in there, I’m telling you!”

“Ok, well, thanks for the warning.”

A frown of puzzlement marring her forehead, Bernie knocked on the door of Serena’s office, pushing the door open without waiting for a reply.

Serena looked up from her seat at the desk, giving a wan smile.

“Hi, you.” she said quietly.

“I come bearing gifts!”  Bernie offered Serena one of the coffees and the pastry.

“Ah, coffee, just what I needed!” said Serena, taking both items from Bernie’s outstretched hand.  She sipped at the coffee tentatively.

“Is everything ok, Serena?”  asked Bernie, concerned.  “Fletch said you weren’t yourself, and you’re looking a little pale.”

“Just a little stomach pain.”  said Serena, wincing as she shifted in her seat.  “Nothing to worry about.”

“Would you like to find a cubicle, and let me take a look at you?” asked Bernie.

“No, no, no need.  Thanks for the offer, though.  I expect it’s just that the Chinese didn’t agree with me.”

“Serena, I don’t think you ate enough of it to have affected you!  And I’m fine, I ate loads.”

“Well, if it’s not the chinese, maybe something from earlier in the day, then.”  A note of snappiness had entered Serena’s tone.  “Please stop fussing, Bernie.  I’m fine!”

“Ok, ok!”  Bernie held up her hands in mock surrender.  “If you change your mind…”

“I won’t.” said Serena, firmly, turning her attention pointedly back to her monitor.

“Right, well.  Best be getting back to Keller.  Have a good weekend, Serena!”

“Hmm.  Yes, you too.”  replied Serena, distractedly.

*

As the morning wore on, Bernie couldn’t shake off her concern about Serena.  She really hadn’t seemed like herself, and Bernie knew she wouldn’t be able to put her mind to rest until she had checked Serena over.  She decided that she would hold off until lunchtime, then visit AAU again.  If Serena was still feeling no better, she would push her to get checked over, no matter the consequences.

At Bernie’s lunchtime visit, Serena was far from better.  The pastry Bernie had brought her earlier was lying untouched on the desk, and if anything, she was even paler than before.  She was still, however, despite her obvious discomfort, point blank refusing to be examined on the ward.  Searching desperately around for a solution, Bernie initially suggested Keller, which was met with a glare and a frown, before finally thinking of the on call room - a suggestion to which Serena begrudgingly agreed.  Serena went on ahead slowly, whilst Bernie followed on, having collected phlebotomy paraphernalia.

Bernie had Serena lie on the on call bed.

“Can you show me exactly where the pain is?”  she asked.

“Bernie, you’re fussing over nothing.  I told you, it was just some dodgy food!”

“Yes, about that.  I’m not convinced.  What are the symptoms?”

“Are you really making me do this?!”

“I really am, and I’m not going to leave you alone until you’re honest with me!”

Serena sighed, and rolled her eyes.

“Fine.  I’ve had nausea and diarrhoea.  Happy?”

“But no vomiting?”

“No.”

“How’s your appetite been today?”

“I don’t have much of an appetite!  When was the last time  _ you _ fancied tucking into a hearty meal when you had food poisoning?!”

“And the pain?”

“Across my stomach, as you’d expect!”

“And what food was it again that you thought was the culprit?”

“I  _ told _ you, I have no idea.  Could’ve been anything.”

“Hmm.  I think we can rule out last night’s takeaway. You can’t think of anything else that you’ve eaten that might have caused it.  I’d like to have a feel of your tummy.  Could you lift your shirt please?”

“For goodness’ sake, Bernie!   You’re making me feel like a patient!”

“Well, right now, as far as I’m concerned, you are!”

Serena sighed deeply again, but lifted her hips to pull the bottom of her shirt up, wincing in pain as she did so.  Bernie noted it without comment.  She put her hands on Serena’s stomach, trying not to focus on how soft her skin was, and how good the swell of her stomach felt under Bernie’s hands.  Averting her eyes, she performed the examination by touch alone, prodding as she moved and noting Serena’s responses.  Serena flinched as Bernie palpated a particularly tender spot, then gasped aloud in pain as Bernie removed her hands.

“Rebound tenderness in the right lower quadrant, and you’re trying to pass this off as food poisoning, Serena?  _  Really _ ?!”  Bernie carefully tugged the bottom of Serena’s shirt to re-cover her stomach.  “Sleeve now, please.  I’m going to run FBCs to confirm, but we both know what this looks like!”

Serena pulled her sleeve up, turning her face to the wall as Bernie drew blood.

“I’m going to run this straight up to the lab.  You wait here, I’ll be back in a few minutes.” said Bernie, dropping the vial into the specimen bag, and turning to the door.

She was as good as her word.  Having witnessed firsthand how very stubborn Serena could be, she didn’t want to leave her alone for too long, in case she tried to do anything stupid - like return to work.  So Bernie had taken the stairs, two at a time, rushing the blood sample to the lab and marking it as urgent, before heading back to the on call room to find Serena.

She had barely been gone 10 minutes before she arrived back, sweaty and out of breath.  Calling out softly to announce her return, she pushed open the on-call room door to find Serena, face flushed red as she slumped on the floor, doubled over, groaning in agony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It seems the chapters are definitely getting longer!
> 
> There are a few bits of this chapter that I'm not 100% happy with, but being a betaless soul, I've retweaked so many times I'm getting sick of the sight of it! I therefore apologise for any bits that stick out as not flowing so well with the rest.
> 
> I will say, though, that I have impressed myself with my amazingly superhuman skills of finding random things to prevent me from writing today, though. If there was an award for superlative procrastination, there's no doubt in my mind I'd win!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading.


	6. Vinegar and Brown Paper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has left comments, I love hearing from you. I hope you continue to enjoy.

Scooping Serena up in her arms, Bernie barged out of the on call room door, yelling for help.  A passing porter came running up with a wheelchair, and Bernie carefully lowered Serena down, holding on to her with one hand to prevent her from tipping out, as Serena leaned forward, doubled over with the pain.  With a show of strength, Bernie managed to steer the wheelchair one handed as she raced through the doors of AAU.

“I need a gurney!  It's Ms Campbell.  She's got an acute abdomen.  My money is on a perforated appendix.  We need to get her into surgery _now_!”

Raf came racing forward to meet Bernie.

“Don’t worry, we’ve got her now, Ms Wolfe!”

“If you honestly think I’m not coming into theatre, then you’re sorely mistaken, Mr Di Lucca.   _You_ get her prepped.   _I_ shall be scrubbing in!”  and Bernie turned and raced off in the direction of the scrub room, calling over her shoulder as she went.  “And someone should call Ms Campbell’s daughter!”

*

Bernie walked back onto the ward a couple of hours later, feeling exhausted.  Fletch, Morven and Lou were leaning on the nurses station, and they all straightened as she approached.  Before she reached them, however, Elinor appeared, hurtling out from the office, frantically grabbing Bernie’s arm.

“Where’s Mum?  You’ve been gone for so long!”

“It’s ok, Elinor.  Your Mum has been taken to recovery.  Everything has gone well, but we’re going to have to keep her in for a few days.  She was pretty poorly, but she should be able to start on the road to recovery now.”

“I was _so_ worried!”  Elinor burst into tears, dramatically flinging herself at Bernie, who stiffened, awkwardly patting her back, saying “There, there!”

Noting Bernie’s discomfort, Fletch came around behind Elinor, putting his hands on her shoulders and pulling her gently back from Bernie.

“Come on, Elinor, let’s go and find you a cup of tea.  It’ll make you feel much better.  Then, before long, your Mum will be out of recovery and back on the ward, and you can sit with her.  How does that sound?”

Elinor made a snuffling sound of assent, and Fletch led her back to the office, offering soothing words all the while.

“Actually, Ms Wolfe, we were all quite worried.  You _were_ gone longer than we expected.” Morven spoke up.

“Widespread peritonitis.  It was a nasty one.  We had to perform a laparotomy, and put a couple of drains in.  She’s going to be very sore.  She’s so stubborn, if only she hadn’t hidden the symptoms, we could have got to it sooner!”

“Well, Ms Campbell likes to be strong.  I think she sometimes forgets we’re all here to support her.”  mused Morven.

Bernie smiled affectionately.  “That sounds about right!” she said.  “Look, I’d better get back to Keller.  Ric is going to be out for my blood.  Will you call me when she gets back on the ward?  And if she’s anything less than ok?”

“Of course, Ms Wolfe.  And don’t worry, we’ll take good care of her!”  Morven reassured with a knowing wink.

A flash of confusion passed across Bernie’s face, before her lips twitched in an attempt at a smile, and she disappeared toward the lifts.

*

As soon as Bernie finished her shift that day, she headed straight back down to AAU.  She had called down a number of times over the course of the afternoon, mildly testing the AAU teams patience when she had wanted to hear Serena's latest sets of obs each time she called.  But after her extended and unplanned absence from Keller this morning, she hadn't had an opportunity to dash down and check Serena over in the flesh until now.

When she arrived through the door of AAU, she found Elinor sat at Serena's bedside, tapping at keys on her laptop whilst Serena dozed.  Bernie walked over to stand beside her.

“Hi Elinor.  How are you doing?” she whispered.

“I'm ok”, whispered Elinor in return.  “I can't believe this has happened, though.  Poor Mum.  She's in pain, I know she is.”

“Has she had any more pain relief?”

“I don't know.  I don't think so.  I think she said she didn't want it.”

Bernie picked up Serena’s chart, flicking past the obs until she found the drugs chart.

“Hmm.  You’re right, she refused.   But I think it might be a good idea to persuade her when she wakes up.”  

Elinor nodded in response, looking young.  Bernie was suddenly struck by a thought.

“Um, Elinor, are you going to be alright staying at the house by yourself tonight?”

Elinor frowned, all trace of vulnerability chased away by indignation.

“Of course! I _am_ quite capable of looking after myself, you know.   _Really_!”

“Well, you will shout if you need anything, won't you?  And I'd be happy to help you sort things out with university too, if you'd like?”

“Sort _what_ things out with university?!” asked Elinor suspiciously, defenses up.

“Your absence, I mean.” said Bernie, soothingly.  “I know it's early in your course, but it shouldn’t be for too long, and I'm sure when they understand the circumstances, they'll support you.”

“I'm sorry, _what absence_?!” Elinor’s voice was loud and sharp with anger now, all whispered tones abandoned.

“Elinor, when your Mum is discharged from hospital, she's going to need looking after.  She's just had what amounts to major abdominal surgery.  She's not going to be able to do much for the first couple of weeks, and she will need your help in that time.”

“I don't believe this!” spat Elinor.  “I'm sorry this has happened to Mum, but that's just impossible.  I mean, it's ridiculous.  I can't miss that much of my course!  I won't!  You'll have to sort something else out!”

“It’s something you should have a think about, Elinor.  I know it's not what you would have chosen, but surely you want to be there for your Mum?”

Before Elinor had the chance to reply, a croaky voice spoke up from the bed.

“It's alright, Ellie, sweetheart.  You _should_ concentrate on your course.  I'll manage, you know how tough I am!”

Elinor’s combative stance relaxed, and she leaned in toward Serena.

“Thanks, Mum.  I knew you'd understand!”  She threw an annoyed look over her shoulder at Bernie.  “I'm going to get a coffee and something to eat.  I'll be back in a bit.”

She kissed Serenas forehead, and headed off.

“You do know that you can't possibly stay at home by yourself, don't you?”  Bernie asked Serena.

“Why not?  I'm a doctor, I'm sure I'll know if I need to seek medical attention.  I'll manage. I don't want Ellie to interrupt her studies.”

“You're missing the point, Serena, and you know it.  You'll need a lot of rest.  And that won't be possible if you're having to look after yourself.”  Bernie spoke in a conciliatory tone.

“Can we please have this argument later?  When I'm a little less tired and sore?”  groaned Serena.

“Ok, but we _will_ be talking about this again.  In the meantime, I think it's high time for some painkillers.  I'll be back shortly.”  and without giving Serena a chance to protest, Bernie marched away from the bed toward the nurses station, to arrange the relevant medication.

*

The following morning, Bernie was covering an early shift, but with an equally early finish.  It was one of the drawbacks of having a locum position - getting stuck with the odd shifts that no one else ever wanted, and often on weekends too.  Even arriving as early as 5am, it occurred to Bernie to pop to AAU and check Serena’s chart, but she realised that it would be perhaps suggesting that she didn’t have confidence in the staff there, so as much as she wanted to look in on her friend, she made herself wait until after her shift had finished.

It was a quiet morning on Keller.  No new admissions were planned over weekends anyway, and for today at least, no overspill had come from other wards, so morning rounds aside, the time dragged dreadfully until 11am, her finish time.

Upon completing the handover, Bernie immediately made her way down to AAU to visit Serena.  She found Serena propped up in bed, looking uncomfortable.

“Serena, hi!”  she approached with a beaming smile, before glancing about.  “Where’s Ellie?”

“Having a lie in.  It was supposed to be a weekend of rest for her.  She’ll be in later.” said Serena, defensively.

Bernie merely raised her eyebrows in response.  “Ok.  Well, how are you feeling?” she asked.

“Sore, achy, and pretty pissed off, if I’m honest.”  said Serena.  “I understand from Raf that it was you who performed my surgery.”

“Ye-es,” said Bernie, cautiously.

“Well, can you please tell Raf that I want this bloody drain out of me?!” said Serena.

“Serena, studies have shown that in the case of perforated appendicitis, a peritoneal drain reduces complication, re-intervention, _and_ readmission rates!”  Bernie admonished.

“ _Actually_ , Bernie, in this day of modern antibiotics, retrospective studies have shown that there is a negligible need for prophylactic drain placement, even in perforated appendicitis.  The one thing it _is_ guaranteed to do, is delay discharge.  And _I want to go home_!”

Bernie walked around the bed and inspected the drain.

“I suppose it _is_ currently clear.  But there’s no point in even thinking about discharge until we have worked out home care.  I’ll speak to Elinor again today.”

“NO!”  Serena barked.  “I don’t want her to miss any of her course for me.  I’m serious!”

“Well, then we will have to look into home help for you.  For at least the first week, maybe more!”

“I am _not_ having some stranger march around my house telling me what to do!” said Serena, firmly.  “I am _quite_ capable of looking after myself!”

“Well, I’ll refuse to discharge you unless you agree.”  said Bernie, stubbornly.

“Fine.  Then I’ll leave against medical advice.”  Serena wasn’t going to back down.

“I’m going to have to get Hanssen involved, if you continue on like this.”  threatened Bernie.

“You can try!” said Serena, angrily.  “He _may_ be my boss, but he has no right to dictate how I manage my recovery, especially when I’ve no choice but to be off work anyway.”  she glared at Bernie.

Bernie glared back, brows lowered, lips pursed.

The stalemate continued for long moments.

Suddenly, Bernie’s brows lifted, and her mouth fell open in a small ‘o’.

“What?!” asked Serena, intrigued by the sudden change in Bernie’s expression, despite herself.

“I’ve got it!  I’ve figured out a solution!”  Bernie looked like she’d won the lottery, her eyes gleaming and her entire face lit up.

“And what would this solution be?”  Serena kept her tone even despite the little skip she felt in her chest at seeing Bernie’s excitement.

“ _I’ll_ look after you!  I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before!  I can take a few days off, stay over with you the first few nights so you won’t have to worry about anything!  Then, in a few days when you’re stronger, I won’t need to stay the night any more, but I can still come round during the day and do anything that needs doing!  It’s the perfect solution!”  Bernie’s enthusiasm was infectious, and Serena found herself smiling a little in spite of her previous annoyance.

“It, um, it _is_ the perfect solution, isn’t it?”  suddenly Bernie deflated a little, anxiously awaiting Serena’s response.

“If you’re going to continue to insist I need someone around to help, then yes, I rather think it might be.”

“Excellent!” said Bernie, briskly, animated again now she had Serena’s affirmation.  “Right, well, I’ll let Mr Di Lucca know he can go ahead and remove that drain.  And I’ll go home and speak to Marcus…”  

Continuing to list out loud the things she would need to do, Bernie wandered away from Serena’s bedside, leaving Serena shaking her head in amusement.

*

After speaking to Raf, Bernie popped back briefly to Serena to say goodbye, happy to note that Elinor was now there to give Serena some company.  She drove back home, all the while thinking about how well she was going to take care of Serena.

Marcus was waiting for her when she got back, peering over the top of a folded newspaper, coffee in hand.

“Hey, Bern.  You’re a bit late back.  Get caught up?”

“No, it wasn’t too bad.  I just popped in to see Serena on the way out.”

“Oh, yes, of course.  Still, wouldn’t it be nice if you didn’t have to get stuck with working weekends any more?”  asked Marcus, meaningfully.

“I don’t mind that much.”  Bernie narrowed her eyes suspiciously, sensing something more to Marcus’ question.  “Why?  What are you saying?”

“Just, the kids and I have been talking.  Cam is coming to the end of his first clinical rotation, and he’s talking about transferring back to London for his second.”  Marcus put the paper down on the table, leaning forward, hands clasped together.  “And the thing is, Bernie, he’s not the only one who feels that way.  Things at St James’ aren’t quite what I expected either.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m doing alright there.  But there’s a promotion freeze, and even talk of possible cuts in the anaesthesiology department.  If that happens, well, I was the last in…”  he opened his hands, resting them on the table, palms up.  He let the silence sit for a moment, before beginning again.  “I miss the city, Bernie.  All of this,”  he gestured broadly, “is making me realise I want to move back to London!”

“But, you wanted to move here so badly!” said Bernie, frowning and rubbing her forehead as she rested her head against her fingers.

“I know.  But I made a mistake, Bern.  Let’s fix it!  Let’s go back!  We can find a better house, and you can take up one of those offers you had when you left the Army.  A proper, permanent post instead of locuming.  It’ll be great!”

Bernie squeezed her eyes shut.  She couldn’t - didn’t want to - process this right now.

“Marcus, I’ve got a splitting headache.  Can we talk about this another time?”

“Oh, poor love!  You go and rest.  We’ll talk later.”  said Marcus solicitously.

Thoughts in turmoil, Bernie headed up the stairs into their bedroom, collapsing on the bed and curling up in a ball, the fictitious headache becoming a reality as she tried to assess what this would all mean to her, only belatedly realising that she hadn’t mentioned to Marcus her plan to stay with Serena.

\------------------

Bernie awoke early the next morning, having had very little sleep.  Determined to postpone the necessary conversation with Marcus, she got up quietly, grabbing her running clothes; and clean underwear, jeans and shirt.  She put the latter in a backpack, donning the former, and, without even stopping for a coffee, she let herself out of the house and started running.  The rhythmic pounding of her feet hitting the pavement helped to calm her thoughts, and as the miles disappeared beneath her feet, she became more and more certain.  Life was good here in Holby.  Better than she had expected, and far better than she had hoped.  Her work on Keller might not be the best fit for her, but it had been challenging in it’s own way, forcing her to work outside her comfort zone and develop new skills.  Although it was still a locum position, that wasn’t to say that she couldn’t at least register an interest for more permanent employment in the hospital, perhaps on Keller, perhaps in another department - she would take whatever was on offer.  Life outside the hospital was wonderful too.  She hadn’t expected to make any friends, yet Serena had quickly become important to her, and she spent all the time they were apart looking forward to their next meeting.  Ok, so life at home wasn’t exactly the best.  The children were still a little cautious around her, even though it had been wonderful getting to know them again.  Marcus, well, he had been supportive and loving, it was just the constant intimacy that she wasn’t so comfortable with.  

Bernie had never expected to find a niche for herself outside of the Army, but if such a thing existed, she knew in her heart that this, that Holby, was it.

Without consciously realising it, Bernie discovered that her feet had taken her to the hospital.  It was still far too early for visiting, but since she was here, she thought she may as well go in and wait.  She headed up to Keller first, and took advantage of the staff showers to clean up from her run, shrugging on the clean clothes from her backpack afterwards.  She checked the time: 07.45.  Being Sunday, Pulses wouldn’t be open until 10, so she grabbed a coffee from the staffroom, before heading down to AAU.  If Raf or Fletch thought anything of her early appearance and damp hair, they thought better than to say anything.  She joined them at the nurses station.

“How’s the patient?”  she asked in a low voice.

Raf and Fletch exchanged glances.

“Oh, she’s awake and ready for battle!”  said Raf in his soft brogue.

“Fantastic!”  said Bernie, happily.

With a big smile, she inclined her head questioningly toward Serena’s room, and at Raf’s nod of permission, she made her way over, tapping softly at the door.  She entirely missed the raised eyebrows and speculative looks that Raf and Fletch swapped as she walked away.

Serena’s voice as she called for Bernie to come in was clipped.  She looked exhausted and in pain, skin pale except for the dark smudges beneath her eyes.

“Hi Serena!”  Bernie smiled.  “How are you doing today?”

“Fed up, and I want to get out of here!”  groused Serena.

“Did the drain come out?”  asked Bernie, picking up Serena’s chart and flicking through it.

“Yes it did, thank goodness.  And my temperature is normal.  I don’t see any reason I should stay here any longer!”

“Hmm,” murmured Bernie in response, still engrossed in the notes.  “It says here you’ve refused all pain relief since yesterday lunchtime.”

“Further proof that I’m ready to be discharged!” said Serena, irritably.

“You must be pretty sore still, then.  Have you managed to get up yet?”

“Yes, I took a few steps after the drain came out.  So, can I be discharged, _Doctor_?!”

Bernie remained calm under Serena’s glare.

“Serena, you’ve been quite poorly.”  she explained patiently.  “By the time we got you open, it was a mess in there!  If it were your patient, there is no way you’d even entertain the idea of discharge for at least another couple of days.”  

The anger suddenly drained from Serena’s face, leaving her looking forlorn and vulnerable.

“ _Please_ , Bernie!  I can’t take being stuck here any longer!  Look after me at home?”  

“Oh, Serena!”  Bernie dropped down beside Serena’s bed, grasping her hand with one of her own, lifting the other to offer a single soft caress against Serena’s cheek.  “I know how much you hate being stuck here!  Please just bear with me?  Another 24 hours of IV antibiotics, and we’ll reassess tomorrow?  As long as everything looks stable at that point, I promise you I’ll get you discharged, and take you home.”  

Serena nodded, tears welling up in her eyes and spilling out over her cheeks.  As she looked at Serena, Bernie felt tears prick at her own eyes.  She so wanted to acquiesce to Serena’s wishes, to make Serena happy, but she couldn’t bear it if something were to happen to her, and she knew the right thing was for Serena to remain in hospital.  

They sat silently, gripping onto each others hands, Bernie rhythmically stroking her thumb across Serena’s knuckles.  As Bernie watched over her, Serena rested her head back on her pillow, eyes fluttering shut.  Bernie felt a huge wave of affection well up inside her, until she thought her chest would burst.   It was in that moment that Bernie knew that no matter what the consequences, she couldn’t go back to London.  She couldn’t just walk away from her friendship with Serena.  She simply couldn’t bear to.

Bernie stayed with Serena for a couple of hours in all.  But when Elinor arrived, she knew she couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer, so she said her goodbyes, reiterating her promise to organise a discharge the following day if all was well, and she headed back home to talk to Marcus.

*

“Where have you been, Bernie?  I was worried!”  Marcus wasn’t in a good mood when Bernie walked in the door.

“I had a few bits to do at the hospital, and I went for a run.”

“Visiting Serena again?”  Marcus sounded irritated at the thought.

“Amongst other things.” said Bernie, evenly.

“Have you thought any more about what I said yesterday?”  asked Marcus.

Bernie tilted her head, listening for sounds in the house.

“Where are the kids?”  she asked, deflecting the question.

“Cam’s still in bed.  Charlotte went out, said she was meeting a friend.”

“Ok.  Let’s sit down.” said Bernie, heading into the kitchen and sitting at the table, eschewing the more informal and relaxed atmosphere of the living room sofa.  

She waited until Marcus was seated too, before beginning.

“I _have_ thought about what you said, Marcus.  The thing is, I don’t want to go back to London.  I feel like I could belong here.  I don’t really understand the sudden desire to go back.  You don’t even know that your job will be affected yet.  Why can’t we just carry on here for now, and see what happens?”

“It’s like I told you, I made a mistake.  I thought this was what I wanted, but it isn’t.  I don’t feel right here.  I miss life in London, I want to go back to it!  Come on, Bern!  You’re an Army girl, you can make a home anywhere!”  said Marcus in a cajoling tone.

“That’s the thing, Marcus.  Being with the Army, it was never a home!  It was something I needed to do.  Home was what I left behind.  And this, here, in Holby - _this_ is home now.  I feel… settled here.  Happy.  I don’t want to leave.”

“And I don’t want to stay.  So where does that leave us, Bernie?”

Bernie leaned back in her chair, taking a deep breath and staring at the wall beyond Marcus as if the answers were hidden there.  A long moment passed before she finally dragged her attention back to him.

“I don’t know.  I don’t think there’s an easy answer.  I need - we _both_ need more time, to think.  Actually, and I think it’s probably good timing, I need to go and stay next door for a week or so.”

“What?!  Why?!”  Marcus’s tone changed to downright annoyed.

“Serena is being discharged tomorrow.  She’s going to need some help around the house, and I’m going to help her.”

“Bloody hell, Bernie!  Why can't she just hire a bloody nurse?  It's not like she can't afford it!”

“Don't be like that.  She's a friend.  And it's not pleasant to be taken care of by someone you don't know, in your own home.  Besides, she didn't ask - I offered.”

“Of course you did.  After all, you've been back with us for, what, seven, eight months now?  You must be really struggling with your itchy feet.  Desperate to run away again, are you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous!  I'll only be next door!  I'll still see you and the kids every day, it's hardly comparable to going on deployment.”

“Except for your need to get away from us.”

“Marcus, stop!  You have no idea what you're talking about.  No idea how hard it was to leave…”

“How could I have an idea?!  You never bloody share anything with me!  No, you keep it all to yourself, keep yourself locked away from me.  It’s like you don’t even trust me.  Can't wait to put physical distance between us to match the emotional distance.  And when I think of everything I’ve given up…”

“But you didn't have to give _anything_ up.  You’ve always had help.  Babysitters, family…”

“But _not my wife!_ ”

“No, not your wife.  But I had to sacrifice things too!  Seeing the kids every day, watching them grow up, a life where I could take the safety of those around me for granted…”

“What about _me_ , Bernie?  Did you ever once think about the fact you were giving up on spending time with me?  Because hearing you talk, it doesn’t seem like I’m even featured on your list of priorities!” an edge of pain sharpened Marcus’ words.

“How can you say that, Marcus?  I turned down a full commission for you!  I agreed to sell our house, the home I spent months longing to come back to, to move down here to Holby with you!  I rejected good job offers in London to locum down here.  I've tried so hard to make this work!”

There was a pregnant pause.

“And yet, you still pull away when I touch you.” said Marcus, sadly.

“I… I'm sorry.  I really am.  I’ve never wanted to hurt you.  Things just feel different, _I_ feel different.  It’s not felt right for a while.”  Bernie sighed deeply.   “I really have tried, you know.  I care about you, Marcus.  I always will.  But, the truth is, I can't be the wife you want.  We’ve both changed, so much.  I don't want to drop everything again and move back to London.  I'm here now, and I want to see it through for as long as the locum post lasts.  If you _don’t_ want that, well, I think we need to take these next few days to figure out what that means for us.”  she stood up as if to leave.

Marcus called out, stopping her.  “Bernie!  Is… is there someone else?”

“No, Marcus.  There is not, nor has there been, anyone else.  This is about us, _our_ marriage only.  And the fact that, although we've tried, we’re just not happy any more.”

“So, is that it, then?”

“I don’t know.  I think… I think it might be.  I'm going to get some things together.  I'll be next door.  We can talk in a day or so, and sort out what we’re going to do.  Oh, but Marcus?”

“Yes?”  Marcus lifted his head from where he had sunk it into his hands.  His eyes looked damp.

“I really _am_ sorry.”


	7. Eyes Wide Open

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the delay in updating this next chapter. Life has become a little turbulent for a brief while, and writing has suffered. I am getting straight on with the next chapter, but it might be a couple of weeks again before I get to update, rather than the weekly updates I started with. Apologies and please bear with me - I won't leave a work unfinished!
> 
> As always, thank you for the lovely comments. They make it all worthwhile.

The following morning when Bernie left for the hospital, she took with her a bag packed with her toiletries and a couple of changes of clothes. Although she could easily pop home to collect anything she needed, she felt that space would be the best thing for both Marcus and herself for a couple of days, and so wanted to be as organised as possible.  She had left notes for Cameron and Charlotte, explaining that she was next door and they should pop their heads in if they needed her, and another for Marcus, asking that they wait until they’d spoken again before involving the children in their discussions.

Then, she set off for the hospital, specifically for AAU, to see Serena.

As someone who had made an art of repressing extremes of feeling, both good and bad, Bernie was having a hard time fighting the sense of elation she was feeling today as she made her way to the ward.  More curiously, she wasn’t even sure she _wanted_ to repress it, despite not fully understanding its cause.  It wasn’t as though she’d _missed_ Serena, she’d seen her every day.  In fact, probably spent more time with her over the last few days than she would have if Serena had been in good health and working.  Rather, it was the prospect of spending _more_ time with Serena which was lifting her spirits; of actually living in her house with her, and spending their every waking moment together. Admittedly, she was quite some years past childhood now, but for a moment, she had a flash of recollection of what it had meant to her back then, to have a ‘best friend’.

Bernie walked onto AAU with a bounce in her step and a song in her heart, offering wide smiles to everyone she met.  She paused by the currently deserted nurses station, scanning the ward, wanting to speak to Raf or Morven before seeing Serena, hoping for a brief and impartial update.  But Raf was nowhere in sight, and Morven was clearly embroiled in with a difficult patient   So, bracing her shoulders against the remote possibility of disappointment, Bernie walked over to the door of Serena’s room, knocking softly and pushing the door open.

Serena was sat up in bed, clearly waiting.  She beamed at Bernie as she walked in the room.

“Good morning!  You’re looking bright this morning!” said Bernie.

“Yes, you’re going to take me home today!”  said Serena, unable to hide her excitement.

“I haven’t had chance to speak to Raf or Morven yet,” warned Bernie, “but let me have a quick look at your chart.”

She took the chart from it’s holder, scanning the pages.

“Mmm, you had a good night.  Mind if I check your obs quickly?”

“Be my guest.”  Serena held her arm out for Bernie to attach the BP cuff.

Bernie quickly ran through obs, marking Serena’s temperature and blood pressure in her chart, before carefully lifting her pajama top and checking the wound site.  Pulling Serena’s top back down over her stomach, Bernie smiled down at her.

“It’s all looking good to me.”  she said.  “But technically I’m not officially your doctor, so I’d ideally like Raf to formally discharge you.  I need to go and speak to Hanssen anyway, I’ve got him on standby to authorise cover for me, for whenever you’re discharged.  With any luck, by the time I’ve spoken to him, Raf will be back to sign you off.  Is that ok?”

Serena rolled her eyes.  “Fine!  But I’m not just going to sit in bed waiting.  At the very least I’m going to get dressed, ready.”

“Did you want me to call a nurse?  It’s best if you don’t pull at your stitches.”

“Bernie, I’ve been dressing myself for some years now.  Despite a few stitches, I’m reasonably sure I’ve still got the knack.”

“You’re impossible!”  Bernie left the room, shaking her head.

 *

Things did not go exactly to plan.  Finding Hanssen had been easy, he’d been working in his office.  Getting him to authorise Bernie’s absence was something else entirely.

“I’m sorry Ms Wolfe.  There’s nothing to be done about it.  In anticipation of Ms Campbell’s discharge today, I attempted yesterday to locate an additional locum consultant to cover your role on Keller.  Regrettably, despite every effort on my part, I was unable to source anyone who could take up the position at such short notice although I am confident that I can have someone in place by tomorrow.  I am, however, in a position to offer my own services on Keller for this afternoon.  I’m sure you can appreciate that with Ric moving to cover Serena’s absence, we can’t possibly operate Keller with two surgeons down.  As such, until I am free to assist with your clinic duties, I can’t possibly let you go.  Oh, don’t look so disappointed, Ms Wolfe.  Patience, after all, is a virtue, and not even Ms Campbell could suggest a wait of just a few more hours is unreasonable, given the circumstances!”

Bernie frowned.  “You think?  Well, if I’ve got a ward to get to, I think I’m going to let _you_ break that particular piece of news to her.”

*

The only blessing was that Hanssen was as good as his word.  Barely had lunchtime passed before he arrived down on the ward, clad in Keller maroon, ready to relieve Bernie of her clinical duties.  Bernie practically threw her stack of patient files at him, before fleeing to AAU.  She’d made the unusual decision earlier to stay in her own clothes rather than change into her usual working outfit of scrubs, to allow for a speedier getaway.  

Upon reaching AAU, she burst into the door of Serena’s room, only to be greeted by an empty bed stripped of linen, and the room devoid of personal effects.  Her pulse rate elevated, as concern flooded through her.  Where was Serena?  Spinning around, Bernie looked around frantically for someone to ask.  Spying Morven across the ward, she practically sprinted toward her, grabbing her arm.

“Morven!  Where’s Serena?  Her room is empty!”

“Oh, yes!  Ms Campbell insisted on waiting in her office.  She said she couldn’t stand to sit around and wait in bed any more…”

“And you _let_ her?  How long has she been in there?”  Bernie challenged, displeased.

“Well, pretty much since Raf signed the discharge papers.  A couple of hours, maybe?”

“And has anyone been looking in on her?  Making sure she’s not _working_?!”

“I can see that you’re not happy about her waiting in there, Ms Wolfe.  But Ms Campbell is _really_ difficult to say no to, and I didn’t think it would do too much harm, especially as…”

“Headstrong or not, right now, Ms Campbell is a patient.   _You_ are one of her _doctors_ .  It’s your _job_ to stand up to her, for the sake of her health, Dr Digby!”  Bernie interrupted, sternly.

“Yes, Ms Wolfe.  I’m, I’m sorry.”  Morven looked contrite.

“Ok.”  Bernie’s expression softened a little, and she gave Morven’s arm a small squeeze before releasing her and marching over to the Consultant’s office.

Bernie pushed open the office door without knocking.  She stood in the doorway, hands on her hips, and glared at Serena with raised eyebrows.

“Something on your mind, Ms Wolfe?!”  asked Serena brightly, who, despite her pallor and the pain-carved lines etching her face, was acting all the world as if she hadn’t just had surgery.

“I was just wondering what you thought you were doing!”  Bernie’s voice was tight, and her eyes narrowed.

“Right now,” Serena gestured at her PC screen, “I’m in the middle of a _riveting_ game of solitaire!”

“So, you haven’t been taking the opportunity to catch up with hospital admin, then?”  Bernie glowered at Serena.

“No.  Actually, I haven’t.  I made a promise to Morven that I wouldn’t, and it so happens that she cleared the office of all paperwork so as not to tempt me.  Nearly getting herself fired in the process, I might add!”

“Oh!“  Bernie looked surprised, then sheepish.  “I think I might owe Dr Digby an apology, then.  But, that can wait.  Right now, let’s get you out of here!”

“Oh, yes, please!”  Serena said breathily, eyes wide.

“You wait there for a moment, whilst I go and find a wheelchair…” started Bernie.

“A _what?_ ”  Serena’s voice was low and dangerous.

Bernie sighed.  She was only now starting to realise just what a undertaking she had signed up for.

“You want to get out of here?  Then that’s how it’s going to be.”  she said, firmly.

Fortunately, Serena was sufficiently desperate to leave that she chose not to pursue the battle, instead setting her face into a mask of displeasure, lips pursed, as Bernie steered her out through the hospital to Bernie’s car.

*

The ride back home was a quiet one.  Serena was still annoyed about being seen by colleagues whilst being pushed through the hospital in a wheelchair, and Bernie was totally focussed on the road, suddenly incredibly attuned to every pothole and bump in the road, wincing each time the car jumped slightly.  But at last they pulled up outside Serena’s house, Bernie glancing sideways with a frown at her own home as she did so.

Serena turned to Bernie, noting the direction of Bernie’s distraction as she thanked Bernie gruffly for the ride home.

“If you’re keen to get back to yours, I’m sure I can manage.”  she said pointedly, gesturing with a head tilt to Bernie’s house.

“What?!  Oh, no!”  Bernie realised Serena had clocked her gaze.  “It’s not that, it’s just that… um, yesterday, Marcus, or rather, I…  Well, it doesn’t matter now.  Let’s get you inside and settled, shall we?”  

Bernie got out of the car, moving around to Serena’s side and offering her hand to help Serena out of the low slung seat.  Serena did her best to smother a gasp as she stood, the movement pulling at her painful abdomen.  Bernie tightened her lips into a sympathetic half smile, and walked close beside Serena as she made her slow way to the front door.

“Serena,” she began, as she waited for Serena to fumble with the keys and unlock the front door, “About before - I want you to know that I’m not torn, _this_ is exactly where I want to be, helping you to recover.”

Serena turned, a smile spreading across her features as the remainder of her bad mood instantly dissipated.

“Thank you, Bernie.  I really appreciate you.  I mean, this!  You doing this!  For me!”  Serena stumbled over her words, panicking for a split second at her slip, but quickly relaxing at the non-judgmental warmth in Bernie’s gaze.

“Always.” said Bernie softly, truth echoing through her words.

Bernie got Serena settled on the sofa, fussing around her with blankets, and moving everything she could think of to within Serena’s reach, like an eager puppy.  Satisfied that Serena now had access to water, tissues, the TV remote, an extra blanket and several books and magazines, Bernie finally headed off into the kitchen to make a cup of tea.

“You do realise you’ll be gone for less than five minutes, don’t you Bernie?!”  Serena called after her mockingly, secretly overwhelmed with affection at Bernie’s ministrations.

“Is it so awful that I want to make sure you’re comfortable?”  Bernie called back.

“Nooooo, but it’s, um, it’s as if…  No, it’s not awful, I suppose I’m just not used to being taken care of.”

There was a pause, until Bernie returned with two mugs of tea, handing one to Serena before perching on the sofa beside her, hands wrapped around her own mug.

“Serena, you’re…  Well, my closest friend.  And it’s been a very long time since I had a close friend.  I just want to be there for you, to help you recuperate.”

Serena reached out with her free hand, grasping Bernie’s wrist lightly.

“You know that you’re my closest friend too, don’t you?  I suppose I just feel bad that I’ve taken you away from your family, even if they are only just next door.  You’ve spent enough time apart.”

“Oh, that’s not a problem at all, please don’t worry.”  Bernie bit her lip, thinking about the problems between Marcus and herself.  “Actually, I’ve…”  she hesitated, then chose not to continue.  Serena didn’t need to hear her troubles right now.  She smiled, shaking her head.  “I’m just happy to be here!”

“And I’m happy you’re here too!”  Serena gave Bernie a warm smile, quickly bringing her hand up to her mouth in embarrassment as the smile turned into a yawn.

“Do you know, the journey home has rather taken it out of me more than I realised.  I might rest my eyes for a few moments.”  she said.

“Of course!” replied Bernie, standing.  “Here, why don’t you swing your legs around and lay down properly?”

Bernie helped Serena as she gingerly lifted her legs, grimacing at the tugging on her abdominal muscles.  When Serena was comfortable, Bernie tucked a blanket around her, smiling down at her.

“I’ll grab a book and go and sit in the kitchen, give you some peace.  Rest well, Serena.”

“Thank you.  For everything!”  Serena smiled back, her eyes already drooping.

Bernie watched for a moment as Serena’s eyes closed properly.

“Always.” she whispered once more, before turning and leaving the room.

*

A couple of hours later, Bernie was alerted to Serena’s awakening by the sound of grumbling coming from the living room.  She poked her head around the door.

“You’re awake!  How are you feeling?”

“It shouldn’t be this bloody difficult to just sit up!” groused Serena, trying to swing her legs to the floor and sit up, but being prevented by the intense discomfort of her sore and protesting wound site.

“I’ll give you a hand.”  said Bernie cheerfully, entering the room properly, leaning down and offering her hands to Serena.

Serena batted her hands away, irritated.

“I don’t need help!  It’s only because I’ve sunk into the sofa cushions!  Give me a minute, I _will_ do it myself!”

“No, you won’t.  You’ll only go and open your stitches if you push yourself too hard.”

Serena looked as though she was going to argue, but Bernie carried on before she had the chance to begin.  

“Being feisty won't work with me, Serena Campbell.  I've known you long enough now to know that you're the living embodiment of the adage that doctors make the worst patients.  You _know_ that letting me help you is the sensible road.  Besides, you still owe me for making me worry like that, and refusing to be truthful with me when you were ill.”  Bernie slid one arm under Serena’s shoulders and the other under her knees, easing her round until she was sitting normally, feet on the floor.  She sat beside her.  

“Although I'm still grateful that your appendix burst when when you were in the hospital.  If you’d been somewhere by yourself, goodness knows what would have happened.  I do feel awful that it burst just as I had diagnosed you, though.  I can’t help feeling partly to blame.”

Serena looked sheepish.

“Ah, yes, well.  I _may_ have inadvertently been responsible for that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, after you went off with my bloods, I may have had a little poke around.  Testing your diagnosis, shall we say.  I think it might have all gone a little pear shaped then…”

“Oh, Serena! You know you're not supposed to repeatedly palpate an inflamed appendix because of the risk of rupture!”

“I know, I know.  I was stupid.  I just didn't want to believe that it actually _was_ appendicitis!”

“What am I going to do with you?!”

“Help me up so I can go and get something to eat?”

Bernie snorted.

“You’re having a laugh!   _You_ are staying put.   _I_ will go and get you something to eat!  Was there something particular that you wanted?”

“There should be some food in the freezer, Bernie.  I don’t expect you to cook for me!  There will be enough for you too, so we’ll eat together.”

“Ok, tonight, we’ll eat from the freezer.  But tomorrow, I’ll pop out whilst you’re resting and get some supplies.  And then, it will be my pleasure to cook for you.”

*

From the carefully wrapped and labelled food she found in the freezer, Bernie selected two portions of lasagne, and popped them in the microwave.

“Do you feel up to eating at the table, Serena?” She called, poking her head around the living room door.  “I'm happy to bring it through if you'd rather?”

“No, table is fine.  I'm going to grow roots if I sit here for much longer!”

“Excellent.  Let’s get you into the kitchen then.  It’ll be ready in just a minute.”

Bernie helped an unprotesting Serena up from the sofa, then followed her through to the kitchen.

“There wasn’t a great deal in the fridge, I’m afraid.  So it’s just lasagne, no salad or anything.  I should have thought about getting the basics before I brought you back.  I’m sorry.”

“Bernie, it’s not your fault that Elinor ate me out of house and home before going back to University!  I assume she at least left milk, considering you made tea earlier?!”

“Yes, the milk situation should comfortably see us through until tomorrow.  Although I’m fine with black, might switch to that just to make sure.”

Serena rolled her eyes at Bernie’s self sacrifice, but decided to wait until the issue actually arose to comment.

“Your freezer is well stocked, though!  Should see you through a mini apocalypse!”

“I found out when Elinor first left, that cooking for one wasn’t much fun.  And since I don’t like to live on takeaways, it made sense to batch cook a few meals and freeze in portions.”

“Most sensible.  And most delicious too!” said Bernie, taking her first bite of the lasagne she had served as they had been speaking.

The meal passed in companionable chatter, although Serena only ate half of her portion, pushing the rest around her plate with her fork as Bernie finished her meal.

“Not hungry any more?” she asked Serena as she put her knife and fork down.

“Still feeling a bit bloated and uncomfortable, if I’m honest.  But not to worry.”

“What can I do?”

“You don’t need to do any more than you already are, Bernie!  Oh, but what I wouldn’t give for a long, hot bath and a large glass of Shiraz!”  Serena looked dreamy for a moment.  “Mmm, actually, why not have a bath?  I’m sure I’ll feel more human after a soak!”

“Serena!”  said Bernie, helplessly.

“Hmm?”

“You know what I’m going to say.”  Bernie gave Serena her best exasperated look.

“Oh, come _on_ , Bernie!”  Serena rolled her eyes.

“Do you enjoy making me repeatedly say no to you?”

“It’s all I live for!”  said Serena, sarcastically.

“So why do it?”  asked Bernie,

“I'm relying on my ability to eventually wear you down!”  

“Look, I'll do you a deal.”  said Bernie.  “You stop fighting me, and I'll have you back doing that one legged king eagle pose you were telling me about before you know it!”

Serena burst out laughing, unable to maintain her irritation.  Bernie chuckled too, the tension fully dissipated.

“Ok, ok, you win!”  said Serena, when her laughter had died down.  “May I at least have a shower, please, Doctor?”

“I think I can allow that!” said Bernie, still smiling.  “Let’s get you upstairs, showered and tucked in.  An early night certainly won’t do you any harm.”

Bernie followed Serena up the stairs, ready to support her if needed, but Serena was able to make her own slow and steady way.  When they reached Serena’s room, Bernie paused, clearing her throat, and examining the ceiling.

“Do you, ahem, do you need any help?  With your, um, shower?”

Serena suppressed a smirk at her friend’s discomfort.

“No, I’ll manage, thank you!”  she said.  She knew she was being obstinate, dressing herself earlier had been far more painful than she’d predicted, and she knew that it wouldn’t be any better now.  But, she was nothing if not stubborn, and she refused to give into the pain.  Not to mention the fact that being undressed by Bernie would be a different kind of exquisitely painful torture, one that she wasn’t currently up to dealing with.

Bernie knew that she should feel relief, or at the very least, indifference, that Serena didn’t need her help.  So she wasn’t prepared for the small pang of disappointment that shot through her.  Without pause to analyse the reasons for her reaction, she immediately berated herself for not being glad that Serena was healing and improving rapidly, and feeling able to manage by herself.  She forced herself to get a grip, and managed to school her features into an supportive expression.

“Excellent.  Well, I’ll hang about outside here, so you can just shout if you get into any trouble.  Ok?”

“Ok.  Be out in a bit.”  Holding on to her dresser, Serena reached into a drawer, grabbing some pajamas before shuffling into the en suite bathroom.

Wanting to give Serena privacy, yet stay close in case she was needed, Bernie sank down onto the top step of the stairs.  Whilst she was waiting, she briefly wondered how things were going at work, and with the children at home, but she couldn’t fully focus her thoughts on either. Instead, her thoughts kept flashing to Serena, in the shower, barely more than a room away.  She wondered if she was feeling ok, wondered if the incision was still looking clean and clear, and whether it was getting a bit less sore for Serena, or whether the water was stinging as it ran down Serena’s naked body...  Mildly shaken by the unexpected image, Bernie shook her head briskly, attempting to expel the image by focussing her mind back to Serena’s surgery and recovery to date, mentally reviewing each stage.  With her errant thoughts successfully brought back under control, Bernie glanced at her watch, thinking that Serena had been a while now, and wondering if she should call out and see if Serena was ok, or whether to just leave her be. Fortunately, the question was taken out of her hands before she had reached her own decision, by Serena’s voice calling from the bedroom.

Bernie leapt up, and ran into the room.  Serena, clad in her pajamas, was stood in the bathroom doorway, holding on to the frame for balance as she bent over slightly.  Bernie dashed to her side.

“Are you ok?” she asked, eyes wide with concern.

“The shower wasn’t as relaxing as I’d hoped.  Too much pulling on my stomach muscles with the dressing and undressing, I suspect.  I’m actually rather sore now.  I don’t suppose you could get me my painkillers, please?”

“Of course!  Let’s get you to the bed first, and then I’ll go and grab them.  Have you taken your antibiotics?”  Bernie slid an arm around Serena’s waist, offering herself for Serena to lean into.

“Just about to.”  Serena groaned, clinging on to Bernie as they made their way slowly across the room.

“Good.  Mr Di Lucca would have my guts for garters if I ended up having to get you re-admitted with an infection, after I’d persuaded him to let you off the IV antibiotics early!”

Bernie helped Serena ease down onto the bed, pulling the covers back for her and piling pillows behind her so she could sit propped up.  She then disappeared to collect the painkillers and antibiotics from where they had been left downstairs, returning to Serena’s side, and offering them to her with a glass of water.

“How’s the incision looking?  Would you like me to check?”  she asked.

“It’s ok, I checked it in the shower.  Honestly, Bernie, stop worrying!”

“I’m not sure I can!”  Bernie admitted sheepishly.

“Hah, it’s the mother in you!”  chuckled Serena, wincing again.  “Would you sit with me for a bit?  Until the painkillers kick in?”

“Of course!”  exclaimed Bernie, perching on the edge of the bed, facing Serena.

“Don’t be daft, you may as well make yourself comfortable!”  said Serena, patting the empty side of the bed beside her.

Bernie climbed on the bed properly, leaning against the headboard.  She leaned her head back, closing her eyes wearily.

Serena watched her for a moment, debating whether to say anything about the recent frown lines she had noticed on Bernie’s face, and the sudden weight she seemed to be carrying on her shoulders that she was trying so hard to hide.  A private person or not, Bernie was important to her, and she needed to know that Serena had her back, whatever.  

She decided to speak.

“Bernie, is everything ok?  I know you’ve spent a lot of time over the last few days worrying about me, and taking care of me, and I know that I’m not the easiest person to look after.  But I’m also not blind, and I know you.  Am I wrong in thinking there’s something bothering you?  I mean, other than what a pain I’m being?!”

Bernie rolled her head toward Serena without lifting it, opening her eyes, and with an attempt at a smile upon her lips.

“I’m fine, honestly.  Let’s just focus on getting you better.”

“So, are you telling me there’s nothing on your mind?”  Serena asked, disbelievingly.

Bernie hesitated, wanting to deny there was a problem, but she couldn’t bring herself to lie to Serena.

“I suppose I’m saying that my problems can wait until you’re better.”  she answered finally.

Serena widened her eyes in frustration.

“I’m not seriously ill, you know!  Just a little sore and tired.  And since I’m reasonably immobile, and you’re certainly not keeping me from anything else, I would say I was in a perfect position to listen to and support you right now!”

When Bernie didn’t reply, Serena asked.

“Is it work?”  

Bernie made no response.

“Something at home?”  she probed gently.

Bernie gave a tiny involuntary flinch.  Serena hesitated for a moment, before breaking her own rule not to mention Bernie’s marriage.

“Is it, erm, Marcus?”

Bernie jerked forward, turning to face Serena slightly, with a distraught look on her face.

“I don’t want to put this on you!  I’m sure you’d hate it, especially as you’re friendly with Marcus too.  I can’t do that to you, put you in the middle of problems between the two of us, when we’re both your friends!”  Bernie’s eyes dropped to her hands, tangled in her lap.

Serena thought privately that there was no contest between Marcus and Bernie, it was Bernie for her every time.  Not that there was anything wrong with Marcus, he seemed like a really pleasant and decent man.  But Bernie was extraordinary; intelligent and kind, fiercely talented yet without undue arrogance, generous and gentle.  Not to mention incredibly attractive.  Being around Bernie always lifted Serena’s spirits, she always felt that there was never enough time when they were together.  That she wanted to take every second that Bernie offered.  That to do anything would be worth it if it made Bernie smile, and put that light in her eyes.  Privately, as much as she hated being ill or infirm, and as much as she couldn’t hide her resentment of her invalidity, she also couldn’t help a small spark of gratitude that it had brought Bernie to her side, and that for the next few days at least, she had the chance to spend every waking moment with her.  So if it came to choosing which friendship to preserve, no thought was needed - there was no decision to make.  

She looked deeply into Bernie’s eyes, trying to convey her sincerity.

“There’s no need for you to worry about that!  I’m happy to act as a sounding board for you, any time, about anything.  It won’t affect how I am with Marcus, I promise.  I _am_ yours, after all.”  she declared.

Bernie’s eyes snapped up to meet Serena’s, wide and confused.  Serena telling her that she was hers?  What did she mean?  A rush of heat flooded her body, raising goosebumps on her skin, and rippling through her lower abdomen.  What on earth was happening?

‘ _Oh, shit_!’  thought Serena, inwardly cringing at the shocked look on Bernie’s face.

“I, um, I just meant that we decided to stick with girls only, didn’t we?”  Serena’s eyes widened in mortification as the words left her mouth.  This was just getting worse.  

“Oh, god!  I mean, rather than include Marcus every time we met for drinks.”  she closed her eyes for a moment in despair at her sudden inability to articulate without innuendo.  Schooling herself, she had one last attempt at explaining.

“I’m making a total mess of this!  I’m just trying to let you know that I’m totally on your side, Bernie.  I mean, of course, Marcus and I are friendly, but that’s really only through you!  I’d probably say we were more friendly acquaintances, really.  Not true friends.  Not like you and I!  So you can tell me anything!”  

Serena quickly shut her mouth before she could put her foot in it any more, a blush staining her cheeks.  What was wrong with her?  Since when had being attracted to someone left her floundering around like a verbally incontinent schoolgirl?

“Oh, yes.  Of course!  I see what you mean.”  said Bernie, her own cheeks a matching shade of pink.  She took a deep breath, trying to slow her racing pulse.

“So, now we’ve cleared that up, are you ready to talk to me?  About Marcus?”  asked Serena, hoping to get the conversation back on track and brush over the faux pas of the last couple of minutes.

Bernie frowned.  Her previous heightened state of anticipation drained away, replaced by the crushing weight of her marital problems.  She took a deep breath.  Perhaps now _was_ as good a time as any to tell her closest friend what had happened.

“He, well, _we_ …”  Bernie fell silent, mouth opening and closing soundlessly as she struggled to find the words.

Serena quirked an eyebrow inquiringly.  Taking pity on her, she reached out a hand and patted Bernie on the knee.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,”  she assured Bernie, “but if you do want to, you know I’m here for you!”

Bernie looked at Serena gratefully.  She took a deep breath.

“Marcus wants to move back to London!”  she blurted out.

Serena had not been expecting that at all.  Bernie was moving back to London?  Serena was going to lose her best friend, the person she cared so much about.  More than cared about, even.   _Loved..._ ?   _Did_ she love Bernie?  She knew she was incredibly attracted to her, she knew she wanted to be around her as much as she could, she knew now that it would break her heart if Bernie were to vanish from her life...  Oh god!   _She loved Bernie_!  And Bernie was going away.  Serena’s heart sank and she was unable to keep the stricken look from her face.

“I, oh!  Is it… is it what you really want?”

“ _No_!”  answered Bernie, emphatically.  “I’m happy here!  I don’t want to go back.  But therein lies the problem!”

“Ah, I see.”  Serena paused for a moment, letting a moment of relief trickle over her.  All might not yet be lost.  She might yet get to keep her friend, _whom she loved_ , close.

“So, what are you going to do?”  she finally asked.

“I don’t know.  We need to talk more.  We’re both quite sure of what we want in terms of staying or going.  We’re just not as sure about what it means for _us_.”  Bernie shrugged.

“Right.”  Serena nodded understandingly.

“The thing is, even putting this current crisis aside, our marriage isn’t exactly _idyllic_.”  Bernie mumbled, almost ashamed.

“Whose is?”  said Serena, reassuringly.

Now that the floodgates had opened and Bernie had begun to talk about her marriage, she didn’t seem to want to stop.

“I’ve only recently realised that I feel like we’ve slowly been growing apart for years, really.  I think my tours of duty just masked the issue.  And now, with that plaster ripped away, the cracks have finally begun to show.  I just feel so awful about it, though.  Marcus is...he’s a good man.  He doesn’t deserve this.  He doesn’t deserve to have a wife who _doesn’t want him_!”  Bernie’s voice wavered, as if she were holding back tears.

“Hey!”  Serena rubbed Bernie’s knee.  “This isn’t your fault, you know!  You can’t help how you feel.  Sometimes people just grow apart, and no one is to blame.  If you don’t love Marcus any more, then is it fair to stay with him, to keep him away from someone who could?  To keep _yourself_ away from someone _you_ could love?”  Serena swallowed hard, fighting away the yearning that _she_ should be the one to fulfil that role.

“I know you’re right.  But I do care about him, Serena!  I never wanted to hurt him.  25 years of marriage, it’s a lot to throw away!”

“I know.  I do.”  declared Serena.  “Come here!”  she held her arms open.  “You’ll have to come to me, though, I can’t move!”  she joked.

Bernie moved into Serena’s arms, resting her head on Serena’s shoulder.  Despite Serena’s tactile nature, and despite the numerous brief moments of physical contact they had shared, they had never before embraced.  As Serena ran her hand soothingly up and down Bernie’s back, Bernie became painfully aware of Serena’s breasts pressing against her own, and Serena’s breath tickling her neck.  Unconsciously she shifted,  increasing the pressure slightly between their breasts as her own grew heavier with arousal, a dewy heat piercing her core.  She felt exhilarated, as if she were finally coming alive.  The charged sensations coursing through her were at war with… no, they complemented, a feeling of being home, she recognised vaguely, though further analysis, or indeed any rational thought, it seemed, was out of her reach whilst within Serena’s arms.

Serena herself was far from unaffected by the embrace, although her arousal was tempered by the awkward position and her complaining stomach muscles.  As she mapped the contours of Bernie’s back through her gentle strokes, she focussed on the sensations of holding Bernie in her arms through the new awareness of her feelings for her.  She was under no illusions, Bernie had never suggested that she might be attracted to women, so Serena knew her feelings weren’t reciprocated.  But she would learn to be ok with that.

Serena’s grip on Bernie tightened briefly, before slowly releasing her.  If moments like this were to be all she had of Bernie, then she would make them enough.

*

“What will the kids do?”  asked Serena, a little later.

“We haven’t spoken to them yet.  We wanted to sort things out between ourselves a little more first.”  explained Bernie.  “But I think Cameron will move back to London with Marcus.”

“Why do you think that?”  asked Serena.

“Apparently he had already mentioned to Marcus that he was considering going back.  To be honest, I was a little surprised that he decided to move down here with us at all.  I mean, his life was in London; all his friends, med school.  I think that if it wasn’t for the convenience of living in the parental home, and the fact that he managed to arrange for his first clinical rotation to be at St James, then he wouldn’t have come.”

“I’m sure spending time with you had some bearing on his decision too!”  said Serena.

“Possibly,” said Bernie, “but I still think without those other factors he’d have stayed in London anyway.”

“Well, what about Charlotte?”  asked Serena.

“I honestly don’t know.”  admitted Bernie.  “She’s still got school to finish, so I suppose she will have to make a choice as to whether to move schools again to go back to London with Marcus, or stay here with me.  I won’t blame her if she chooses to go with Marcus.  After all, he’s been the consistent parent in her life!”

“You really are so terribly hard on yourself, aren’t you?!”  said Serena, taking hold of Bernie's hand.  “From all I’ve seen, both Charlotte and Cameron are incredibly proud of you, and all you’ve achieved.  You should give yourself some credit.  It’s not just Marcus who raised those children, and helped them become the wonderful people they are today! It’s you, and the time you’ve invested in them whenever you’ve been able, and the example you’ve set them when you’ve not!”

Bernie gave a watery smile to Serena.

“You really are good to me, you know.  You’re the best friend I could ever imagine!”

“I’m glad.  I want to be.”  replied Serena, wishing she could tell Bernie how much.

Exchanging smiles, the women descended into silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

 *

They sat that way for a while, neither releasing the other's hand, both comfortable in the quietude, but content in that point of connection between them.  

Eventually, Serena’s eyes began to get heavy.

“I’m really sorry, Bernie.  The painkillers have kicked in, and I think they’re making me drowsy.  There’s a risk that I might fall asleep on you!”

“Don’t be sorry - sleep is exactly what you need to heal.  I’m sorry that I’ve kept you up, and made you listen to all of my problems.” said Bernie with a grimace.

“Don’t be - it took my mind off my own!”

“Here, let’s move all of these extra pillows out of the way,”  Bernie leaned across, rearranging the bed, “and then you can get more comfortable and have a good night's sleep.”

She stood up, moving around the bed to Serena’s side as Serena carefully slid down until she was lying down properly.  Bernie helped Serena to pull the covers up, tucking them around her.  Serena’s eyes flickered shut, and Bernie’s hand moved almost of it’s own volition to stroke the hair away from Serena’s forehead.  Without opening her eyes, Serena gave a sleepy murmur of pleasure, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

As she rested her hand on Serena’s head, thumb rhythmically stroking Serena’s forehead,  Bernie felt a huge wave of emotion swelling up within her, wrapping around her heart and constricting her chest.  Within a heartbeat, all her confusion of earlier, of the last few weeks - months even - cleared, and the truth of her feelings stood bold and bright before her.  She stilled for a moment, frozen in shock, then leaned down, pressing a tender kiss to Serena’s head, tears shining in her eyes.  What on earth was she going to do now?


	8. Bring Me To Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This reasonably lighthearted work has gone and got itself all angsty for a moment. Please don’t worry, it’ll pass. Just those few revelations to work through…  
> Thank you for your comments, I really love to hear from you. I hope you continue to enjoy!

After she left Serena asleep in bed, Bernie succumbed to the fragmented thoughts and tortured memories which raced through her mind. Although it was very early, she’d chosen to go to the room that Serena had allocated her, laying on the bed fully clothed as the last rays of the day’s sun still shone through the closed curtains.

She had always prided herself on her control of her emotions.  Even as a child, she was encouraged to value calmness over excitability, effort over being carefree. When she fell and hurt herself, she was encouraged to ‘be a brave soldier’, and to ‘show your stiff upper lip’, rather than to let tears fall or emotion show.

The first time she had really understood the benefits of these lessons was at the age of 12, when she suffered a betrayal at the hands of her first, and until Serena, only, real close female friend.

 *

Bernie Wolfe and Rose Macklin had been inseparable.  From the moment they met at primary school, they had formed a fierce and unbreakable bond, building their imaginary worlds and dreaming of their perfect futures.  They stuck by each other's sides all through that first school, other children passed in and out of their circle of friends, but Bernie and Rose were a constant.

Rose had had long brown plaits tied with bows which never went crooked, pretty dresses, and socks which never seemed to fall down, and Bernie had worshipped her.  They were united in their dislike of boys, loud creatures who ran around whooping and mock fighting, and playing in the dirt.  Truth be told, Bernie wouldn't have minded playing in the dirt with the boys, but Rose said it wasn't nice, so that was good enough for Bernie.  Their chief enemy amongst the boys was Rose’s elder brother, Freddie, whose greatest delight was to torment the girls and mock them for their games.

Despite Freddie's crusade, Bernie couldn’t have been happier until the year after they started senior school.  This also happened to be the year that Rose decided that boys weren't that bad after all, and in fact, were destined to play quite a large part in her future.  Bernie didn't get the change of heart at all. To her, boys had no more or less appeal than they had when she was 6.  But, Rose wanted to hang around with them, and with the other girls who shared the same views, so Bernie tagged along.  She still adored Rose with the same unswerving devotion as she always had, but Rose had gradually begun to seem less invested in their friendship.  It was subtle at first, but it all came to a head toward the end of the second year at senior school.  Bernie had spent the afternoon at Rose’s house, as she often did, and was involved in one of her favourite pastimes of brushing out Rose’s long, thick wavy hair until it gleamed, wrapping her hands in it as she marveled at how soft it was.  She had just leaned forward to stroke the length along her cheek, when Freddie invaded the room, catching her in the act.

He just stood in the doorway, sniggering.

“You're never going to get a boyfriend that way, Rosy Posy!” he mocked his sister.  “Not when you've already got a girlfriend!”

Rose had jumped to her feet, fists clenched.

“Shut up, Freddie!” she had shouted, flushed with anger.  Bernie had been full of righteous indignation on her friend’s behalf, but Rose had then turned to her and said that she thought it would be better if Bernie left now.  Bernie had agreed good naturedly, but as she was getting her shoes on near the front door, she had heard Freddie talking to Rose upstairs.

“You can keep shouting if you want, Rosy, but I'm telling you, it's a bit weird!  And it's not just me who’s noticed.  She's like, well odd!  She’s always acting like you're, y’know, _proper girlfriends_!”

Frowning, Bernie hadn't stayed to hear Rose’s reply, instead she'd headed off home, mentally plotting all the plans that she and Rose could discuss the next day for Freddie's retribution.

The next day, however, Rose had been different.  She hadn't greeted Bernie with her usual smile, and when Bernie had suggested they think of something to pay Freddie back for bursting in on them last night, Rose had just brushed it off.  She had then said that she had been thinking, that they _did_ spend a lot of time together, and perhaps it would be better for their friendship if they had a break sometimes.  And to that end, she thought it would be a good idea if they didn't hang out together so much. Nor at all for the time being.  That they should make some new friends.  When Bernie had suggested they could still do that together, after all, that's what they'd always done, Rose had said no, that Bernie had become too smothering, and it was impossible to make new friends when she was around, that she didn’t want to be her best friend any more.

Bernie had been devastated.  She had no desire to be with anyone other than Rose.  She was a perfectly amiable person, and able to get on with anyone, but she just didn't have the desire to forge another close friendship, nor to replace Rose in her affections.  After school that day, she had raced home and burst into tears, shutting herself in her room and sobbing until there were no tears left.  From that day onward, she saw Rose only in lessons and across the playground, where she watched her from afar with an ache in her heart, an ache which took everything she had to subdue, and which left her determined to protect herself from any future betrayal.

From that point, the young Bernie Wolfe resolved once and for all never to allow extremes of emotion to rule her mind nor her heart.  Instead, she poured all her focus into keeping active, whether that be by occupying her mind with her studies, or her body with fitness.  Indeed, by the time she reached university, she was so practiced at self control that she quite pitied her peers, who were falling in and out of love with alarming frequency.  There was always someone to be found either sobbing in a corner from a broken heart, or giddily spinning around, joyously squealing at embarking on some new romantic venture.  Whichever extreme Bernie happened to bear witness to on any given week left her shaking her head, both at the equilibrium derailing emotional outbursts, and also at the seemingly intrinsically linked need to spill out all the intimate details of one's innermost thoughts and feelings to a variety of friends.  Why anyone would abandon a nice, steady progression through life in favour of an uncontrollable roller coaster was quite beyond her.

She had found her safe path when she met Marcus.  They had first met after a lecture one day, and ended up chatting about the topics that had been covered.  Shared interests both academically and in sport soon had them bumping into each other regularly, and their friendship flourished.  Marcus was thoughtful and unassuming, a gentleman, and Bernie found her time spent with him very pleasant.  When Marcus finally kissed her, she reciprocated, thankful for having found a stable and undemanding friend and partner who wouldn’t hurt her.

She had loved Marcus - she still did.  She had just never been _in_ love with him.  That was the life she had chosen, the life she’d thought she wanted.  

But now, there was Serena.  Serena, who had turned her world upside down.

How was it that she could feel this way for Serena?  She wasn’t attracted to women.  That wasn’t who she was.  Was it?  But even as she asked herself the question, she knew the answer - she had always been this way.  It was exactly the reason Freddie had mocked her, the reason Rose had walked away.  It was the reason she had shunned any close friendship since, especially with women.  The very reason she had learned to control her emotions in the first place.  She had told herself she admired women for their style, or their poise, or their knowledge, that she wanted to emulate them, to _be_ them, and that’s all it was.  But now, now there was no pretense any more.  No more hiding behind her own fear or her carefully fostered ignorance of her own true self.

But how was she supposed to tell her best friend that she was attracted to women?  Or more specifically, that she had feelings for _her_?  At best, Serena would be embarrassed and uncomfortable, and their relationship would be permanently and irrevocably changed.  At worst, Serena would be so uncomfortable with the knowledge that their friendship would be unsalvageable.  So there was no other option but to keep it a secret.  Which left her in the unenviable position of having to deal with her newfound revelations of self awareness entirely by herself, unable even to turn to her best friend.  Bernie felt a little like crying.  She had spent her whole life distancing herself from people, keeping the truth of herself from her husband, and even from herself.  And now, she had met someone who made her want to open up, and ironically, it was the one person from whom she had to keep the truth at all costs.  The tears did fall then, tears of bitterness and frustration at her own weakness and stupidity.

It was a long night for Bernie.  The tears may have dried quickly, but sleep still wouldn’t come.  Just hours of lying in the darkness, thoughts spiralling through her mind. Memories of Rose, of other women who had crossed her path as she moved through life, women who in the light of revelation she might have wanted more from than she had realised at the time.  Thinking back over her friendship with Serena, remembering moments of warmth and affection, remembering how she felt when Serena looked at her a certain way, how her pulse raced at her first glimpse of Serena each day, at how hard it always was to say goodbye, and how lost she felt outside of Serena’s presence.  Serena was her sun, and she basked in her warmth, her guiding star, whose opinion she sought at every turn.  How could she have not known, not understood what was happening? How could she have been so _blind_?  

 *

Bernie was up at dawn, sat at the kitchen table, cradling a mug of coffee when she first heard movement upstairs.  She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there, all she knew is that the cold coffee cup was soothing against her palms, which still smarted from when the coffee had been freshly made and she had refused to give into the pain reflex of pulling her hands away from being wrapped around the steaming mug.

She raced upstairs, standing outside Serena’s bedroom door and calling out softly.

“Serena?  How are you feeling?”

The door opened and Serena was revealed in the doorway, stifling a yawn behind her hand.  The yawn turned into a sleepy smile.

“Morning, you!”  she said.  “That was a _good_ night!”

She blinked hard, and leaned forward a little, peering at Bernie.

“But not for you, I think!  Is everything ok?”  she reached out her hand, resting it on Bernie’s arm just above the elbow, thumb stroking comfortingly up and down.

Bernie snapped her eyes down to Serena’s hand on her arm, tensing as she felt her body react to the simple touch, and flushing in embarrassment.

“Oh, I, um, I’m fine.  Just a lot on my mind.”  she stammered.

Serena frowned slightly at Bernie’s reaction, removing her hand and resting it instead on the door frame.

“Would you like to talk it through some more?” she asked.

“What?  Oh, _no_!”  exclaimed Bernie, in a horrified tone.  Then, realising that Serena still believed her distress was about her marriage, and therefore how ungrateful she must sound after Serena supported her so strongly the previous night, she qualified  “What I mean is that I don’t think talking it through will help at this point.  I know what I need to do.  I just have to bite the bullet and do it!”

“Ah.”  said Serena, understandingly.  “Yes, not a task to look forward to!”

“Well, it’s not going anywhere, and I’m not rushing to have _that_ conversation today.  So, breakfast?”  asked Bernie, putting on as brighter tone as she was able.

“Breakfast.”  agreed Serena.

Bernie walked beside Serena as she made her slow way down the stairs and into the kitchen, then headed straight to the fridge.  

“We’ve got eggs, and… well, eggs!”  she said ruefully.  She frowned, thinking for a moment.  “We might just have enough milk, so...pancakes?”  she looked at Serena, brows raised in question.

“Sounds perfect.” said Serena.

Bernie poured Serena a coffee, then busied herself preparing breakfast, a slight frown in permanent residence on her forehead, making no attempt at conversation.  Serena watched quietly for a while, nursing her coffee and allowing the last vestiges of sleep to be washed away by the caffeine.  Bernie finished cooking the pancakes, serving them onto two plates, and putting one in front of Serena before sitting down with her own.  She kept her eyes lowered to her food as she ate, unaware of Serena’s continuing scrutiny.  They ate in near silence, apart from the most basic of pleasantries, a far cry from their meal together the previous evening.

As Bernie picked up the empty plates, moving them to the sink, Serena rose to her feet and spoke up.

“I wish there was something I could do to make this easier for you.”

‘There is!’ screamed Bernie inwardly, wishing that things could be different.  

“There isn’t,” she said aloud, “apart from what you’re already doing, that is.  Being there for me, I mean.”

“I know,” said Serena, “but I just wish…”

She put her hand out as if to touch Bernie, but Bernie flinched away.

Serena cleared her throat.

“Um, Bernie, is that all that’s troubling you?”

Bernie looked up at Serena, eyebrows raised quizzically.

“I just wondered if, well, have I said something, or done something, to offend you?”

“No!  Oh, god no, Serena!  I promise you, you’ve been perfect!”  Bernie swallowed, and reached out to take one of Serena’s hands in hers.  “I’m so sorry I made you think that.  It’s just, I hardly got any sleep last night - I think it’s just made me a bit jumpy.  You, well, you don’t deserve to be made to feel bad.  By _anyone_.”  said Bernie fiercely.  She gave Serena’s hand a squeeze to emphasise her point.  “I’ll try to stop being silly!” she promised.

“You’re not silly, you’re just going through a hell of a time.  We’ll say no more about it!  Now, come here!”

Serena tugged a little on Bernie’s hand, opening her other arm in invitation for a hug.  Bernie held her breath as she moved into Serena’s arms, her eyes fluttering shut as Serena’s scent enveloped her and the warmth of Serena’s body pressed against the length of hers.  Bernie didn’t dare move, or take a breath in case she broke the spell, just for a moment letting herself pretend that this meant more than it did, just for that moment allowing herself to revel in the coil of arousal which darted through her body, sensitising her nerve endings even as Serena’s arms around her soothed her soul and promised her ‘home’.

All too soon, Serena stepped back from the hug, turning immediately to the kitchen side and leaning against it, hands clenched.  Behind her, she heard Bernie slip into a chair, unaware of Bernie’s suddenly rapid breathing and still-closed eyes, as she fought her own body’s reaction to having been pressed so closely against Bernie’s.

“Another coffee?” she asked brightly, quietly exhaling through pursed lips as she wrestled her heartbeat back under control.

She heard the scrape of the chair as Bernie stood back up.

“I should be doing that!  I’m not being much help today, am I?!  You sit back down!”

“Let’s see, she helped me down the stairs, made me breakfast.  Yes, clearly she’s no help at all!”  Serena pulled a face at Bernie.

“Alright, alright!  But I’m still making the coffee.  And whilst I’m doing that, you can tell me what you’re doing today.”  Bernie stepped around Serena, reaching into the cupboard for the cups.

Serena glanced sidelong at Bernie.  “I was thinking, the Highland jig…!”

Bernie snorted.  “You’re incorrigible, you know!  I meant, are you wanting to get dressed, or are you going to allow yourself the luxury of a pajama day?!”

“Ooh, pajama day.  I’ve decided, in deference to your _excellent_ nursing skills, I will entirely behave for one day.  You may boss me about, and run around after me to your heart’s content, and I will be the model patient.  But…”

“Heaven help me tomorrow!  I know, I know!”

“You’ve got it!”  Serena winked at Bernie.

*

Bernie got Serena settled into the living room again with a film and a couple of books, and then as promised the previous day, headed off to the supermarket to restock the cupboards.  In addition to basics, she bought enough ingredients to make several simple meals, and on impulse, she added a few other bits to her basket, wondering how broad Serena’s culinary tastes stretched.  Satisfied with her selections, she rushed through the checkout, and headed back to Serena’s house.  Once again as she parked outside, she looked over at her own house, thoughtfully.  Marcus’ car wasn’t there - as she would expect.  She wondered if Cam or Charlotte were in, thought about popping her head in before she went back in to Serena, but then decided against it.  She wasn’t sure how to face them yet, following her self awakening.  She decided to take a little more time to try and come to terms with it herself, before having to act like her whole world hadn’t just been turned upon its head in front of the people who knew her best.

Serena was still on the sofa where she’d left her, as good as her word at being the model patient.  The film was halfway through, and she seemed engrossed.  Bernie paused in the living room doorway on her way to take the shopping through to the kitchen.  Serena looked over with a smile.

“Cup of tea?” asked Bernie.

“Please.”  said Serena.

“I’ll bring it through in a few minutes, just going to get this lot away first.”  said Bernie.

Having unpacked the shopping, Bernie made the tea and carried it into the living room.  Handing Serena’s mug to her, Bernie then seated herself with her own mug into the armchair, ignoring the stretch of empty sofa next to Serena, where just yesterday she would have automatically sat. Serena frowned at her, fighting down her disappointment at the distance between them, certain now that there was something more to Bernie’s mood than just the state of her marriage, but equally certain that there was no point in saying anything more about it, because Bernie was clearly not ready to talk about it with her.  

The remainder of the day passed in an equally odd fashion, the mildly discordant atmosphere between them persisting.  Serena dealt with it by being as agreeable as she could be, and Bernie, by going through phases of apology for her poor communication and gratitude for Serena’s understanding.

Bernie briefly perked up a little during the late afternoon however, when she brought up the subject of dinner.

“I promised I’d cook you a meal tonight, didn’t I?”  she said to Serena.  “Is there anything you dislike?”

“Not really,”  said Serena, after a moment's thought.  “I like to think I’m not fussy.  Why, what did you have in mind?”

“There are several things I _could_ do for you, but I did have something in mind,” said Bernie.  “Please feel free to say no, if you don’t think you’d like it - but I thought I might make you something I used to eat in Afghanistan.  It’s Mantu, basically spiced meat dumplings with a garlic yoghurt sauce.  I’ll make it with some rice.  It’s really nice, or at least, I always thought so.”

“I think I’d really like to try that.  But it sounds like a lot of work.  Are you sure?”

“Oh, definitely!” said Bernie happily.  “I quite like cooking, and I very much like eating!”

“Do you fancy some company in the kitchen?” asked Serena.

“No!” Bernie spoke sharply, then immediately regretted her lack of self control.  “You… I… I’ll need to concentrate!”  she said lamely, ashamed at having snapped at Serena.

“Ok.” said Serena lightly, hiding her feeling of rejection.  She picked up a book as Bernie headed for the kitchen, but was unable to concentrate as the words swam across the page before her eyes, her mind wholly focussed on the woman in the next room.  She could hear the gentle clattering of pots and pans, and the low rumble as Bernie muttered to herself as she cooked.  Undoubtedly, Bernie had a lot on her mind, but it was most disconcerting just how much it was affecting their own relationship.  Following their conversation the night before, Serena was almost sure that Bernie had made the decision to leave Marcus and make her home permanently here in Holby.  So why did it feel like she was losing her best friend, regardless?

*

The food was a great success - Serena had not only cleared her plate for the first time since her surgery, but had even gone back for a second helping.  Bernie’s heart had swelled with pleasure, and yes, _love_ , when Serena had so clearly enjoyed what she had made for her.  The company, however, had left a lot to be desired, and Bernie was under no illusion that the fault was all hers.  She could see how much Serena was trying to be agreeable and to tread carefully with her, and it made her hate herself for making Serena feel like she needed to do that in the first place. Which just exacerbated her distress, and made her more uncomfortable than ever around her best friend.

Consequently, Bernie was extremely grateful when night fell and Serena was ready to go to bed.  She found it ironic that the epiphany of her feelings had occurred at a time when she had committed to remain by Serena's side as her nurse, for at any other time, she would have made her excuses and run away to be alone, to work it all through without the distraction of having to remain in the presence of the object of her discomfiture.  She had been sorely aware of how awkward she had felt and acted around Serena today, and was also aware that her actions were running as much of a risk of driving a wedge between them as the revelation of the reasons behind them.

As with the previous night, Bernie took herself off to bed shortly after Serena.  She was exhausted, but still her mind would not let her rest.  She knew that she couldn’t continue on like this much longer, in this cycle of berating herself, hurting Serena with her reactions, then berating herself all the more.  She had to work out how to be around Serena once again, how to be her friend despite the feelings swirling around inside her.  She also needed to work out how to accept this revelation about herself.  And on top of that, she still needed to resolve things with Marcus, although she felt that was the least of her problems, and in fact, everything that had happened since had only served to clarify that separation was the only course open to them now.  She squeezed her eyes tightly shut, and sighed deeply.  Apart from the deed itself, at least there was no confusion about her marriage any longer.  Only concern about the impact of the split upon their children.  As for self acceptance, that was going to take a little longer.  The whole world looked different through the lens of this new revelation, and until she understood fully what that meant, Bernie didn’t yet know how to completely reconcile herself.  What she could, and would, work on, was accepting her feelings for Serena.  Serena was the most giving and wonderful soul she had ever met, Bernie loved so many things about her; her sharp wit, her naturally friendly and flirtatious nature, her keen mind and her strength.  In fact, she thought idly, was it really that much of a surprise that she had fallen in love with her?  Really, it was more of a wonder that there were people out there who _weren’t_ in love with her.  They must not know her in the same way Bernie did, because how could anyone resist?

So yes, that was what she must work on first.  Understanding how to accept and manage her feelings for Serena, so they could resume their easy relationship, as it had been before yesterday.

With these thoughts in mind, Bernie fell into an uneasy and restless doze.

 *

She woke with a start about an hour later, senses on full alert.  She tensed, straining her ears  to detect what it was that had disturbed her. Several heartbeats passed before she heard something - the sound of someone crying out.  

_Serena_!  

Bernie was out of bed and running across the hall before her conscious mind realised what was happening.  Bursting into Serena’s room, she found Serena sitting up in her bed with her side light on, hand clutched to her stomach, eyes wild.

“Se-Serena,”  she panted.  “What happened?!”

“Bad dream.”  Serena groaned and shifted, grimacing.  “And I’m bleeding!”  she said.

Bernie passed a hand across her eyes, a rush of panic causing her hands to quake slightly as she approached the bed.  She inhaled deeply.

“Let me see.”  she said, as calmly as she could.

With one hand behind Serena’s back, she helped support her weight as Serena lay back down, so as to not put additional pressure on her stomach.  Bernie gently raised Serena’s top, spotted with blood, and lowered her pajama trousers to fully reveal the incision site.  She squinted, leaning over Serena and peering at the wound in the dim light of the bedside lamp.

“I need supplies to clean the area a little,”  she said.  “Bathroom?”

Serena nodded tightly.

Bernie disappeared for a moment, returning with cotton swabs and gauze.

“I need more light,”  she said.  “I’m going to put the top light on, ok?”

“Ok.”

Under the additional light, Bernie returned to Serena’s side, using some cotton swabs to carefully wipe away the blood around the wound.  When she was done, she breathed a sigh of relief.  Serena was watching her, wide-eyed and tense.

“It’s ok, Serena.  You pulled a stitch, maybe from tossing and turning, or possibly when you sat up so suddenly.  The wound still looks clean and clear, thought it’s torn right at one end.  It’s only a small area, I’ll put a steristrip on, there’s no need to redo the stitch.  I’m going to put some gauze on, just for tonight, so the waistband of your pajamas doesn’t irritate it - is that ok?”

“That’s fine.  Thank you, Bernie!”  whispered Serena.

Diagnosis made, Serena relaxed into the mattress, closing her eyes.  Bernie watched her face surreptitiously, as she taped the gauze over the wound.  When she had finished, she pulled up Serena’s trousers until they sat just underneath the gauze, relishing the feel of Serena’s warm skin as her knuckles grazed Serena’s stomach.  She paused for a heartbeat, before pulling Serena’s top back down, and readjusting the covers around her.

“I’ll let you get back to sleep now!”  said Bernie, walking over and switching out the main light.  “‘Night, Serena.”

Bernie had almost made it to the door when Serena spoke.

“Bernie?”

Bernie turned, hand on the door handle.

“Hmm?”

“I’m really sorry to ask you, but would you....  Could you stay with me for a bit?”

Bernie hesitated, before nodding wordlessly.  She walked slowly back toward Serena’s bed, intending to sit on the edge until Serena had drifted off again, but as she approached, Serena flipped back the covers in invitation.  Bernie’s mouth went dry.  Could she do this?  Of course she could, Serena needed her, she answered herself immediately.  Sliding beneath the covers, she felt Serena’s hand reaching for hers, and gripping hold, tugging Bernie closer.  Bernie rolled onto her side, facing Serena, and, giving in to the still present pressure, she wriggled closer still until she was pressed up against Serena’s back, arm across her ribs, fingers still tightly linked together.  Trying to ignore the pressure of Serena’s breast against her inner forearm as Serena’s breathing slowed and deepened, Bernie focussed on her own breathing, trying to match Serena’s tempo.  Gradually, the traumatic and exhausting thoughts of the last 24 hours calmed, and as she slipped into drowsiness, Bernie gave a small smile, realising that once again, Serena was proving to be the perfect balm for her.  As they continued naturally breathing in synchrony, Bernie slipped into a deep and dreamless sleep.

 *

Bernie awoke the following morning feeling rested, warm and comfortable, but unusually weighed down.  She tried to stretch out her limbs, but the pressure across both her arm and her thighs prevented her from doing so.  She blearily opened her heavy eyes, peering down the length of her body to see an arm flung across her chest, hand cupping the side of her breast.  Snapping to a greater awareness, she lifted her head from the pillow, slowly flexing the muscles in her thighs, both feeling and seeing by the shape in the covers that there was a leg flung across both of her own, possessively pinning her to the mattress.  Giving another slight wiggle triggered a thrum of arousal, pulsing down through her core. She forced herself to relax, rejecting the impulse to contract her pelvic floor muscles in an effort to chase more sensation, opting instead to ignore the rush of desire.   Turning her head to the side, Bernie could see that Serena was still sleeping soundly.  As she studied Serena’s face, the gentle signs of age softened with the repose of sleep, she again allowed herself a moment to imagine a different world, one where Serena was not only her friend, but also her partner in every sense of the word.  She basked in the warmth that suffused her, closing her eyes and relaxing under the weight of Serena’s embrace.  

She was shaken from her reverie a short time later by a faint snuffling sound, as Serena stirred slightly.  Snapping back to the present, Bernie carefully shifted Serena’s arm, rolling over as Serena stretched out in protest, and, releasing herself from beneath Serena’s leg, she moved to the far edge of the bed, dragging herself into a sitting position. As she leaned back against the head of the bed, Serena drowsily opened her eyes.

“Morning!” said Serena, rolling carefully onto her back, eyes drifting closed again.  “Thank you for staying with me.”

“That’s ok.”  assured Bernie, meaning it.

Serena smiled, eyes still closed.

“How are you feeling this morning?”  asked Bernie.   “Are you in any more pain?  Did you manage to sleep ok?”  she turned toward Serena, drawing her knees up to the side as she twisted round.

“I’m feeling fine, thank you.  No more pain than yesterday, and I slept well - after you came in to me, anyway!”  said Serena.  She lazily opened her eyes again, the remnants of the smile still tugging at the corners of her mouth.  “How about you?”  she asked Bernie.

Bernie considered for a moment before replying.  “I actually slept really well, thank you!”  she said, surprised herself at the realisation.

“Hah!  Maybe we should just save time and have you stay in here with me then, since it gave us both such a good night!”  said Serena, half jokingly.

Bernie blushed.  Reminding herself of her own promise to stop letting her feelings affect her friendship with Serena, Bernie squeezed her trembling fingers together before going for a humorous reply.

“Maybe I should!”  she said, lightly.

This time, it was Serena’s turn to blush and turn away.

 *

After checking that Serena didn't need her, Bernie made her excuses and disappeared to the main bathroom, quickly showering and pulling on jeans and a shirt.  Serena, still in her pajamas, was already sitting in the kitchen when she got downstairs.

“Right, let's get some coffee on, and I'll make us some breakfast,” said Bernie, rubbing her hands together.  “I bought us something nice yesterday!”

“Ah, do tell!” said Serena, eyes lit in anticipation.

Bernie grinned, turning and bending to reach into the freezer, emerging with a triumphant flourish, a bag of frozen pain au chocolat in her hand.

Serena beamed in response, as much from the view as from Bernie’s surprise.

“You know me too well!” she said.

“I wouldn't say that!” said Bernie cryptically, as she arranged the pastries on a baking sheet.

Serena raised an eyebrow quizzically.

“You seem in better spirits today.” she commented.

Bernie slid the tray in the oven, and leaned back against the kitchen counter, surveying Serena.

“I had a really good night!” she said simply, lowering her head to look at Serena through her fringe, cheeks flushing slightly.

Serena’s mouth quirked in a small, satisfied smile, eyes locked with Bernie’s, the smile gradually fading and her lips parting slightly as they held each other's gaze for long moments in a wordless and increasingly intimate exchange.

Bernie broke eye contact first, shifting and clearing her throat.

“Also,” she began, “I think I'm ready to speak to Marcus.  If you're ok for a bit later on, I'd like to do it today.”

Serena twisted her face into a sympathetic expression.

“Of course!  I'll be fine.  Whatever happens, it will feel like a weight has been lifted when the conversation is over.  You've, ahem, you've decided definitely what you're going to say?” she asked tentatively.

Bernie gave a hesitant smile.

“I have.  It's over between us.  It has been for a while, and I think we both know it.  It's just not easy to walk away from so many years together.  But I'm ready now.  It's for the best.”

“Yes, quite!” Serena punctuated her quick reply by nodding emphatically.

Bernie thought for a moment that Serena seemed almost relieved, but couldn't imagine why that might be, and so she dismissed the thought.

 *

Both women enjoyed their decadent breakfast.  When they had finished, Serena left Bernie to clean up whilst she went up for a shower.  When she returned, clad in clean pajamas, Serena found Bernie sitting in the living room, flicking through a medical journal, back in her old spot on the sofa.  Serena eased herself down next to Bernie.

“All ok?”  asked Bernie, casually.

“All fine,” confirmed Serena.  “No more bleeding.”

“That’s excellent news!”  said Bernie.  “Raf texted while you were upstairs.  He and Fletch were wondering how you were, and whether you were up to any visitors.  They’d like to pop by when you’re ready - and apparently there have been a steady stream of enquiries to the ward from other interested parties, most particularly Dom and Essie!”

Serena groaned.

“I _know_ I’m not ready to be entertaining the gossip twins!”  she said, wryly.  “But it might be nice to see Raf and Fletch.  I’ll get back to them, invite them over, and ask if they can keep it quiet.  Although I’ll have to get dressed!”  she plucked at her pajama top, face contorted in mock disgust.

Bernie chuckled, dragging her eyes along Serena’s form.

“Only if you want to, you look great in everything you wear.”

Serena flushed, looking away from the warmth in Bernie’s gaze, even as a pleased smile spread across her face.

 *

Serena arranged for Raf and Fletch to visit together after lunch, and despite Bernie’s assurances, she insisted on dressing for the occasion - albeit in loose jogging bottoms and a t-shirt.

“It makes me feel better to maintain just a _little_ of my dignity!” she had informed Bernie.

They had discussed it, and agreed that the visit afforded Bernie a perfect opportunity to return home and speak to Marcus.  That way, she wouldn’t be distracted by worrying about Serena left alone and needing anything during her absence.

 *

Raf and Fletch arrived soon after 2pm.  They trooped through to the kitchen where Serena was already sitting, and caught Serena up with how the ward was doing under Ric’s temporary guardianship whilst Bernie made teas and coffees.  When everyone had their drinks, and conversation had moved on to how Serena was getting on with her recuperation, Bernie made her excuses, merely saying she wanted to pop home and see her family, before heading off to face Marcus.

As soon as she left, Fletch turned to Serena.

“So, ‘ow’s Bernie been looking after you, then?  She’s looking quite cozy here!”  Both his look and tone were rife with innuendo.

“I don’t know what you mean, Mr Fletcher.  She’s been extremely kind, and it’s been very helpful to have her here.”

“As you say, boss!”  replied Fletch, with a knowing wink.

Raf, eyebrows raised as high as they would go, kept his eyes studiously fixed on his coffee mug.  Serena narrowed her eyes at Fletch, employing her best head-of-department tone.

“If you have something to say, I suggest you just say it.  Failing that, why don’t you tell me all about what your children have been getting up to recently?!”

Grace finally caught up with Fletch, who began to look mildly embarrassed.

“Right.  Yes.  Well, you won’t believe what Mikey came out with the other day…”

 *

Marcus’ car wasn’t in the driveway when Bernie exited Serena’s house.  She let herself into the front door, and headed for the kitchen, having to suppress a shriek when she bumped into Marcus, coming out through the kitchen door as she was about to go in.

“I didn’t think you were here!”  she gasped as Marcus held her upper arms, steadying her.

“Were you trying to avoid me?”  asked Marcus, somberly.

“No!  I wanted to see you!  But when I saw your car wasn’t in the driveway, I thought…”

“It’s in the garage.”  Marcus interrupted.  “The clutch was slipping.”

“Oh.  Well, I’m glad you’re here.”  Bernie gestured aimlessly.  “Can we talk?”  

Marcus nodded, turning and indicating the kitchen.  Bernie walked through first, stopping when she saw an envelope propped up against the bread bin by the kettle, addressed to St James' HR department, in Marcus’ hand.

“What’s this?” she asked, picking it up.

“My resignation.”  Marcus took a seat at the kitchen table.

Bernie frowned at Marcus in disbelief.

“You were just going to hand in your resignation, before we’d even discussed it again?”  she felt oddly betrayed, despite her intentions.

“No,” replied Marcus.  “It’s been sitting on the side since just after we last spoke.  You’d know that if you’d stopped in.  I wouldn’t have tendered it until after we’d spoken again, but I saw no reason not to have it ready.  You know my feelings on the matter.”

“But, you don’t have another job to go to.  You can’t have, surely!  This is all happening so fast!”  Bernie sat down heavily, joining Marcus at the table.

“That’s the way things go, Bernie.  I haven’t seriously looked for another job yet, although I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had my eye out.  But Jake Osbourne from St Thomas’ - you remember Jake?  He said he’d be able to scrounge up some locum work for me at short notice, to tide me over until I had something more permanent.  So, there’s not a whole lot left to keep me in Holby now.  This is just about you and me, now, Bern.  So, what’s it to be?”

Bernie exhaled a snort, shaking her head incredulously.

“This feels very much like it’s all on your terms.  When did our marriage stop being a partnership?”  she asked, voice laced with regret.

Marcus shrugged.

“Was it ever?”  he asked.  “I never felt like I had any input when you went off on your tours.”

“That again!   _It’s not the same thing_ , Marcus!”  said Bernie, in frustration.  “Is that what this has been about, then?  Payback?!”

Marcus scrubbed his hand across his face.

“No.  You really think I’m that petty?”

“I’m not really sure I know you that well at all, any more.”

Marcus sighed heavily.

“No.  I’m not sure you do.”

Bernie winced, pinching at the bridge of her nose.  She took a deep breath, trying to calm the knots in her stomach.

“I want a divorce, Marcus.” she said, baldly.

“I know.”  he replied in a flat tone, staring down at his hands.

“Is… is that what you want, too?” asked Bernie, trying to hide the quavering tone which fought to take over her voice.

“What I want…”  Marcus’ words trailed off.  “I want more than we have, now.  I want a good relationship.  I wish… I _wished_ that it could be with you.  But you’re right, Bernie.  We _don’t_ know each other any more.  And I think… I think that too much water has passed under our particular bridge now.  I don’t know if I have it in me to get to know and love you all over again, and even if I did, I don’t think it’s what you want.  You’ve been pulling away from me for so long now.  I think that if you wanted us to be together, if you wanted to know and love _me_ again, you’d have found a way.  That’s one thing I am sure of when it comes to you, Bern.  When it comes to fighting for something you want and believe in, you will always find a way.  It’s one of the qualities I always loved most about you.”

Marcus’ voice broke and he lifted his hand, covering his mouth, quickly standing and turning to the sink to hide his sadness.

Hot tears had sprung up in Bernie’s eyes, and her throat and chest felt tight.

“Marcus, you… I… I’m so sorry.  I do care about you.  I think you should find that job, move back to London, and be happy.  I want you to be happy, and I... I can’t…”

“You can’t be the one to make me happy.  I know, Bernie.  I understand.”  Marcus turned back toward Bernie, extending his hand, both requesting and offering solace.

Bernie pushed her seat back, taking Marcus’ hand and moving into his arms willingly for what felt like the first time in months.  They clung to each other, comforting each other, tears dampening each others necks, united in solidarity that the decision was the right one, despite the regret and sadness that accompanied it.

 *

Bernie and Marcus sat down and talked through the practicalities of their separation then.  Marcus offered to move out, find a hotel for a while until he’d worked his notice and found a new house back in London.  Bernie assured him he didn’t need to do that, that it would be better for the children if they could see that Bernie and Marcus were being amicable about the separation.  She reasoned that she would still be staying at Serena’s for another couple of days, giving them both a little more time for the initial rawness of the decision to settle before they had to present a united front.  Bernie was going to work through her finances and see if she was in a position to give Marcus half the value of the house, essentially buying him out, or whether they’d need to sell up and split the profits officially.  It was a difficult conversation, and by the time they’d finished discussing the details, Bernie had a headache and her eyes were sore and itchy.  Preparing to take her leave, she rose from her seat, reaching out to awkwardly squeeze Marcus’ hand one last time before she turned and walked away.

 *

Bernie knocked at Serena’s front door, mentally kicking herself for not thinking to borrow some keys so Serena didn’t have to get up to let her in.  She didn’t imagine Raf and Fletch would still be there, she had been gone now for a good couple of hours.  A short wait, followed by Serena’s worried face greeting her as she opened the door proved to her that she was right.  In an unconscious echo of Marcus’ gesture earlier, Serena wordlessly held out her hand to Bernie, pulling her close when she accepted it, and wrapping her arms around her.

“Oh, love!”  she whispered, as Bernie relaxed into her arms and she began a soothing rhythmic stroking up and down Bernie’s back.

Minutes later, when Bernie broke the silence with a sigh, they disengaged, moving into the living room, and sinking down next to each other on the sofa.

“Do you want to talk?”  asked Serena, gently.

“No.  Except to say that it’s done.  And although it’s what I want, I still feel so... glum.”

“Of course you do!  You’ve got two children together, and a whole host of happy memories to boot.  It’s no small thing that you’re doing, and it’s only right that you allow yourself to grieve for what’s passed.  I’m not going to push, but I’m here if you need me. You know that, don’t you?”

“I do!”  Bernie gave a wan smile of gratitude, the friendship she had found with Serena a beacon of light shining through her sadness.


	9. The Unbearable Heaviness of Being

As they sat in the living room, the low burble of the television provided a welcome distraction from what otherwise might have been stretching silence.  Perched at one end of the sofa, Serena found herself feeling surprisingly distressed.  When Bernie’s situation had first come to light, she had imagined that to finally know for sure that Bernie wasn’t going to return to London with Marcus would fill her with a fair amount of joy, and she had been expecting to have to hide her happiness as she commiserated with Bernie over the admittedly dramatic life change.  But the habitually taciturn Bernie was subdued to the point of complete withdrawal - although her head was turned toward the television, her eyes were fixed on a point far beyond, gazing at nothing, completely lost inside her own thoughts.  And Serena was discovering that her concern for Bernie’s emotional wellbeing far outweighed any pleasure of her own.  Even the lingering soreness from her surgical wound was forgotten as she cast frequent, worried glances across to her friend.  As time dragged by with no movement from Bernie, Serena reached across the sofa, gently giving Bernie’s knee a supportive squeeze.  A heartbeat passed before Bernie even seemed to register Serena’s gesture, but then she slowly dragged her gaze down to Serena’s hand, resting on her knee, and her mouth twitched in an attempt at a smile as she moved her own hand to rest atop Serena’s.  As Bernie slowly turned her head back to the direction of the television, Serena twisted her hand under Bernie’s until they were palm to palm, and they allowed their fingers to link together.  Watching Bernie, Serena thought she detected a slight relaxation of Bernie’s frame, and with that, and the contact between them, she found her own stress levels dropping, and she finally felt able to settle more comfortably into the sofa.  She tried to pour all the support she could muster through their linked hands to Bernie, and hoped that by just being there, she could be enough.

The remainder of the afternoon passed in a similarly quiet fashion.  Little by little, Bernie came back to herself, and as late afternoon began to slip into early evening, and Serena’s stomach began to rumble, she finally turned to Serena and spoke.

“Serena, I’m so sorry.  I’ve been useless.  I’m supposed to be looking after you, and I’ve done nothing at all for you since I’ve been back.  Hah - some friend I am!”  she said, self deprecatingly.

Serena squeezed their still joined hands.

“You’re quite within your rights to take some time to process what’s happened,” she said, mildly.  “So I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use me to try and punish yourself further!”  Serena punctuated her words with another hand squeeze and a small smile, hoping it was enough to take any sting Bernie might feel out of the words.

Bernie gave her a long and assessing look from below her fringe.  Happy with what she saw, she exhaled slowly.

“Okay.  But I think we can both agree, this afternoon I’ve been a bit shit by anyone’s standards!  Let me make it up to you by making you dinner?!”

Serena chuckled.

“Or, I could make you dinner?  Let you process for a little bit longer?”

Bernie huffed out a laugh.

“That’s fine in principle, but in reality, one of us is recovering from major surgery, the other is just wallowing!  What sort of friend would I be if I let you start doing everything for me?!”

Serena pursed her lips for a moment, as if making a decision.

“Bernie, I…” she began.  “Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a real novelty having someone taking care of me.  I actually can’t remember the last time…”  she trailed off.  “What I mean to say is that, although I’m so grateful for your help, I could probably do more for myself than I have, the last few days!”

Bernie looked like someone had struck her.

“Are, are you saying that you want me to go?  That you don’t need me anymore?”

“Need?  Perhaps not.  But I can’t tell you how much I’ve loved having you around.  Please don’t get me wrong, Bernie.  I’m not asking you to go - and in fact, I’d be really grateful - and happy - if you’d stay a bit longer.  All I’m trying to say is that although I’ve really loved being so looked after, it’s not going to do me any harm at all to take a turn, and look after you for the rest of today!”

Bernie looked for a moment like she was going to question and disagree further, but then she pulled her hand away, throwing her arms open in a shrug, and pulling a quizzical face.

“I don’t have the energy to argue!”  she said, resigned.

“Well, that’s good news!”  said Serena.  “Although it does mean we’re eating take away!”  she waggled her eyebrows.

Bernie tried to keep a straight face at Serena’s obvious attempt at eliciting a laugh, but the exaggerated facial expressions lost her the battle, and she was helpless to hold back a snigger.  She stood, and followed Serena into the kitchen.

Bernie ended up helping Serena by gathering plates and cutlery as Serena sifted through menus and made suggestions.  When the food arrived a short time later, they ate sitting opposite each other at the table, the conversation between them desultory, but the occasional shared glances and small smiles were warm and affectionate.

Serena cleared her plate, placing her cutlery down and pushing back from the table slightly with a satisfied sigh.  She looked over at Bernie’s half cleared plate, watching Bernie push food around aimlessly with her fork.

“No good?” she asked, wrinkling her nose.

“Hmm?”  Bernie looked up at her enquiringly.  Following Serena’s gaze back down to her plate, she shook her head.  “Oh, no!  It’s lovely, Serena!  It’s not the food.  It’s me!”

Serena felt instantly concerned that she had upset Bernie.  “Hey, don’t worry!  I was only asking. Are you, um, are you... “  Serena took a deep breath.  “Are you regretting your decision?”  she asked, baldly.

Bernie’s brows drew together in confusion.

“Regretting my…?”  suddenly realising what Serena meant, her eyes widened in surprise.

“You mean _Marcus?!_  No!  Not in the least!  If anything, I feel a bit guilty that I _don’t_ feel worse about leaving him!  It’s the children.  I don’t know how they’re going to take it.  I already feel like I don’t have the closest relationship with them, what with having been away so much whilst they were growing up.  And now this - on paper, it looks like I’ve done all the walking away, and that Marcus has been prepared to try.  I’m worried, I feel that they’re likely to side with him over it all, and I’m terrified I’m going to lose them!”

Serena listened to Bernie speak with a sympathetic look.  As she finished, Serena gave a nod of comprehension.

“Ah!”  she said understandingly.  “Look, I know I’m only speaking as someone who isn’t privy to everything that has been discussed between the two of you, but is there any way he’d agree to present a united front about it all, when you break it to the kids?”

Bernie shrugged her shoulders helplessly.

“I think we were in agreement, about the decision.  I don’t know.  I think perhaps Marcus would have held on a bit longer, maybe?  But I think he knows it was the right choice? Oh, I don’t know!  I feel like I don’t know anything any more!  Anyway, even if I’m right and we _were_ both on the same page, I don’t think it’s ever as simple as that, is it? Whatever we say, the kids are going to draw their own conclusions.  And if they decide they need someone to blame for it all, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out who they’re going to choose!  I’m drowning, Serena, and I don’t see a way out!”

Serena leaned forward across the table, threading her fingers together and fixing Bernie with an intent gaze.

“Berenice Wolfe, from what I’ve seen, you’ve raised intelligent and sensible young adults.  I know you’re scared, and I understand why.  But you did what you had to do, and if Cameron and Charlotte are half the people I think they are, even if their initial reactions are bad, given time, they’re mature enough to move on from their first instincts, and to see things from your point of view.  I’m not saying it’s all going to be easy to begin with,” Serena laid her hands palm down upon the table, “but I don’t imagine their reactions will be insurmountable.”

Bernie’s eyes were locked on Serena’s splayed fingers as she replied.

“I hope you’re right.  And, thank you!”

 

After the dinner was cleared away, they swiftly relocated back to the sofa.

“Are you ok with all this sitting around, Bernie?”  asked Serena.  “If you’d rather be doing something more interesting, to take your mind off things, then I’d totally understand?”

Bernie’s mind flashed briefly to some interesting things she and Serena could be doing, and was helpless to prevent a deep blush from colouring her cheeks.  Dropping her head swiftly in an attempt to hide behind the curtain of her hair, she moistened her suddenly dry lips, and cleared her throat softly.  Watching, Serena thought that Bernie’s awkwardness was the most charming thing she’d ever seen, and she fought back the urge to reach out and smooth her hair back behind her ear, wondering briefly if the skin of her cheek would be as soft as it looked.

As her blush subsided, Bernie felt finally able to speak.

“I’m fine here.  Honestly.  Pretty tired, actually.  I don’t think I’ve got the energy or the inclination to do anything else”

“Emotionally wrung out, I expect!” said Serena, sympathetically.  “Why don’t I make us some tea, then when we’ve let dinner settle a little, you can see if you feel like an early night?”

Bernie looked up, pinching her lips together into a half smile, and nodding her head in response.

 

A short while late, the tea having been drunk and the cups abandoned on the coffee table, Bernie turned to Serena.

“If you don't mind, I think I will have that early night.”  She said.

“I think it's a good idea.”  Serena agreed.  “I think I'll join you.  And…”  She stopped short, flushing slightly and taking a deep breath.

“I know we joked about it earlier,” Serena began, hesitantly.  “But I think we could both do with the company tonight.  So, it would probably do us both a favour if you just slept in my room with me, from the off.  If you don't mind, that is?”

For a moment, Bernie looked as if she was preparing to protest, but before she even uttered a sound, her shoulders slumped back down and she took a breath, gazing shyly at Serena from beneath her fringe.

“Okay!” was all she said.

 

They had agreed that Bernie should still get ready for bed in her own room, then go through to Serena when she was done.  As she tapped lightly on the door, pushing it open, Serena greeted her with a warm smile from the bed, where she was already comfortably ensconced.

Bernie walked slowly to the bed, lifting the corner or the duvet and slipping timidly beneath.

“There's plenty of room, you know!”  teased Serena.  “You don't need to sleep right on the edge!”

Apologising, Bernie shuffled a few inches toward the middle of the bed.  As she had done before, Serena reached for Bernie’s hand beneath the covers, holding on tightly as she closed her eyes, burrowing deeper under the covers and sighing contentedly.

*  *  *

Bernie awoke the next morning with her face buried in Serena's hair, her body pressed against her back, and her hand having burrowed beneath both the top and bottom of Serena’s pajamas to cup the gentle swell of her stomach.  Bernie was mortified, going rigid with fear until the regular sound of Serena's breathing reassured her that Serena had no idea what she'd done.  She shifted incredibly slowly, determined not to wake Serena, until she was lying on her back and had put several inches between them.  Only then did she allow herself to reflect on the pleasure of waking up that way, the warmth of Serena's bare skin beneath her fingertips and her scent enveloping her.

 

Serena woke and rolled over a short time later, delighted when Bernie greeted her with a grin.

“Morning, you.  You're looking happier this morning!” she said.

“I guess it’s true when they say that things look brighter after a good night’s sleep,”  remarked Bernie.  “Although I’m still dreading telling the kids.”  Her smile twisted away into a grimace.

“I know.”  Serena matched her grimace in sympathy, before delicately clearing her throat.  “Um, Bernie, do you remember your dream?”

Completely bewildered and more than a little panicked, Bernie dragged herself into a sitting position, eyes wide with alarm, as she racked her brain trying to remember.  “Erm, what dream?” her voice wobbled slightly.

“Nothing to worry about!” said Serena, sitting up herself.  “Wasn’t anything, really!”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this, because I’m sure I’d rather not know, but I can’t not ask.  What did I do?”

Serena watched as Bernie knotted the covers between her fingers, her whole frame rigid with tension.

“You just had a bad dream, that’s all.  I think it must have been about Cameron and Charlotte’s reaction to you and Marcus.  You were talking to them, trying to persuade them not to be angry.  Like I said, nothing to worry about.”

“Yes, but what exactly did I _say_?”

“Most of it was incoherent!  You mentioned both the kids by name, said please a lot,”  Serena hesitated, then continued with her voice barely above a whisper.  “And then you said that they had to accept the fact that you were with me now.”  she lowered her gaze.

Bernie’s face flamed red, and she gasped audibly, dropping her head forward to let her hair cover her face.

“Oh, god!  I… I didn’t… I wouldn’t… I would have only meant that, you know, I was staying here for the time being!”

“Right.  Of course, yes.”  said Serena, quietly.

Bernie frowned slightly, mildly confused by Serena’s tone.  In a different situation, she might have thought that Serena sounded… disappointed? She risked a glance upward through the curtain of her fringe, and noted Serena’s downcast gaze, and her teeth worrying gently at her lower lip. She had clearly upset Serena somehow, she just wasn’t entirely sure which part of the situation had caused it.  Desperately wanting to get things back on an even keel, she took a deep breath in and lifted her head bravely, flicking her hair aside with a toss of her head.

“I’m sorry, Serena, if what I said bothered you.”

Serena looked up also, meeting Bernie’s eyes.  Bernie faltered slightly under the warmth of her gaze.  

“I don’t usually talk in my sleep.  I don’t think, anyway.  Marcus always said that I sometimes did when I had too much to drink, but I never got ribbed about it by the lads on tour, and trust me, that’s exactly the sort of thing they never let you forget!  But I suppose I’ve never been in this situation before.  Impending divorce, I mean.  If I’d have known I might disturb you, I wouldn’t have bunked in with you, I promise.  I’m sorry.”

“You really don’t have to keep apologising.  It was actually rather endearing!” said Serena.

Bernie’s eyebrows shot up, triggering a grin from Serena.

“I only mentioned it at all, because after that, you woke up - or at least, I thought you had, and you said ‘thank god you’re here, it’s not a dream,’ and you smiled at me and held my hand, then you went back to sleep!  I actually liked the fact that I was able to reassure you.  And because I thought you’d woken, I thought you’d remember.  I honestly wouldn’t have said anything otherwise, I didn’t want to embarrass you, and I certainly don’t want to make you feel that you can’t ‘bunk down’ with me, if it’s making both of us feel better in general.  Okay?”

“Okay.”  Bernie still felt uncomfortable at the betrayal by her subconscious, but there was little she could do about it in retrospect, and so decided to chalk it up to another moment of emotional bewilderment and say no more about it - and hope that Serena would follow suit.

 

Whatever embarrassment had arisen from the previous night's’ debacle, it was undeniable that sharing a room - or more specifically, a bed - had had a positive effect on both women.  After her almost fugue state of the previous afternoon, Bernie was beginning to feel that a weight had been lifted from her shoulders, and barring her ever present concern about the effects of the divorce on her children, she was actually feeling positive about the whole situation.  Serena was also thriving, thought Bernie as she eyed her across the breakfast table, watching Serena clear her plate of the cooked breakfast that Bernie had made her.  Serena’s appetite had fully returned, the colour had begun to bloom once more on her cheeks, and her movements were much more fluid, without the constant tension that the pain had temporarily lent her.  Serena, fully aware of Bernie’s scrutiny, yet until now feigning ignorance, leaned back in her seat.

“What a wonderful breakfast, thank you!  I feel ready to face anything now.  In fact, I rather think I fancy going for a walk today.  What do you say?”

“Gosh, you definitely seem to be feeling better!  Are you sure you’re ready?”  asked Bernie.

“Well, I wasn’t planning a 10 mile forced march!  Just a little wander down the road.  I thought we might even stop in the pub for some lunch - or perhaps dinner would be better after that amazing breakfast!  Or is that a little too cheeky?!”

Bernie chuckled at the mischievous look on Serena’s face.

“Has anyone ever told you, you’re a difficult woman to say no to?”

Serena nodded slowly with a look of mock earnestness on her face.

“Many, _many_ times!”

Bernie was unable to hold back a full blown laugh, the sound pulling Serena along until both women, fuelled by each other’s laughter, had tears running down their cheeks.

 

After a little discussion, it was agreed that an afternoon walk would suit them both far better, especially considering Serena’s plan to eat in the local pub.  Bernie had encouraged Serena to continue resting for the morning, not wanting her to suffer the disappointment of overdoing it even before leaving the house, and thus having to postpone their plans.  They therefore spent the morning much as they had the previous couple of days, camped out on the sofa, chatting on and off.  Bernie was vacillating wildly over when to sit down with Cameron and Charlotte.  She knew that it had to be sooner rather than later, but she was afraid of losing the feeling of optimism that had so newly come to her.  Serena had reassured her that it was ok to do it in her own time, whilst gently reminding her that the news would definitely be better coming from her, and that whilst Marcus had agreed not to tell the kids without her, all it would take was one misplaced word to someone else before gossip would spread like wildfire, and it would only be a matter of time before one of the children heard a muttering from somewhere.  Bernie had known that Serena was right, and finally, after they had finished an extremely light lunch, Bernie had sat down and texted Marcus, asking if it would be possible to sit down with both him and the children the following day to break the news and talk it all through.  When, some time later, his answer came through in the affirmative, Bernie resolved as much as possible to put it out of her mind for the rest of the day, and worry about it all once more tomorrow.

 

Bernie fussed over Serena as they prepared to leave for their walk.  

“You’ll need a thicker coat than that, Serena.  You really should have packed that away at the end of the summer.  I know it’s bright, but it’s not that warm, and we won’t be walking fast - the last thing you need is a chill on top of everything else!”

“Yes, mother!”  said Serena, shaking her initial choice of coat from her arms, and rehanging it, reached for another.  

“Do you have a hat?”  asked Bernie.  “If we’re to be staying in the pub for a while, the temperature will drop when the light fails, and it’ll be far colder coming home.”

Serena rolled her eyes.  “Right.  Warm coat.  Hat.  Gloves.  Happy?”

Bernie smiled, satisfied.

“Much better.  Although, may I say, that’s quite a hat!  It’s almost a character itself!  I feel like petting it!”  she reached out, teasingly.

“Hands off, Wolfe!  This hat has seen me through many escapades, and I won’t hear a word against it!”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.  It’s oddly you!”

“Quite right.”  Serena smoothed the hat lovingly.  “Now, get me out of this house!”

 

They headed off along the road at a good pace, despite Bernie’s urgings to slow down.  To Serena’s chagrin, having ignored Bernie’s suggestions, they’d barely gone any distance before she felt herself tiring, her days of inactivity coupled with the stress on her body from the surgery sapping her energy quickly and causing her to feel like she was letting both herself and Bernie down.

Noticing Serena’s pained expression, Bernie casually slipped her arm through Serena’s, subtly slowing her own footsteps even more and making a show of commenting on things that they passed, by her actions trying to offer the excuse that it was her that was responsible for the decreased speed.

When they finally reached the small local pub, Bernie withdrew her arm from Serena’s, ushering her through the door and standing over her solicitously as Serena sank gratefully into a corner seat.  Not giving Serena a chance to protest, Bernie cheerfully announced that Serena deserved a small glass of Shiraz in celebration of her first outing since her surgery, and that she, Bernie, would therefore go and get the drinks.

When she returned to the table and slid into the seat next to Serena, Serena took up her wine and took a large sip, holding it in her mouth for a moment before swallowing.  Her eyes rolled upward in pleasure.

“Now _that_ has made it all worthwhile!” she said.  “It turned out to be a little harder than I’d thought, but I’m really glad we did it.”  she admitted, smiling warmly at Bernie, pulling a couple of menus out from the wooden block on the edge of the table and offering one to Bernie. Conversation centred on the merits of good old traditional pub food, and it wasn’t long before they’d both decided and Bernie had placed their orders at the bar.

The food, when it arrived, was delicious, and they fell quiet whilst they ate, watching the people around them, and each other.  Bernie noted that Serena was looking paler than she was earlier, and she was considering trying to persuade Serena to take a taxi even that short distance back to hers, but her machinations were interrupted by a loud voice.

“Hello, hello!  What a sight for sore eyes!”

Standing in front of their table was Sacha Levy, clutching a pint in one hand and a book in the other.

“Glad to see you up and about, Serena.  I’m sure AAU is missing you like mad!”

“Thank you, it’s nice to be out again.  Although I fear AAU will have to muddle through a little longer, I’m discovering I’m not quite ready to get back in the swing of things yet, and frankly, even if I were, I suspect that Ms Wolfe here would soon be doing her best to dissuade me!”

“And rightly so.  Too soon, way too soon.  If you’d been a Keller patient, well, you’d be having to go through me, too, if you tried to come back already!”  Sacha punctuated his words with a firm nod, before turning to Bernie.

“We’re missing you, too, Bernie.  It’s not the same without you!”

“How did the team get on with Hanssen on the ward?!” Bernie asked.

“Ha, well, I’m sorry to say they weren’t fans of the situation!  Can’t fault the man on his diagnostics and surgical skills.  But I think the juniors felt uncomfortable with the boss’s eyes on them all the time.  Although it certainly sharpened up their skills!  Quite funny really!”  Sacha shuffled from foot to foot as he spoke, tucking his book under his arm and transferring his cold pint to his other hand.

Noting his apparent discomfort, Serena cast a quick glance at Bernie, before asking:

“Sacha, would you care to join us?  Unless you’re meeting someone, that is?”

“Oh, no, no.  Essie is working a late shift tonight, and I didn’t fancy Albies.  So I thought I’d just head out for a quick pint and, you know!”  He indicated his book.  “I wouldn’t want to intrude…”

“You wouldn’t be - please, join us.”

Sacha looked pleased as he took a seat opposite Serena.  Although content in his own company, he far preferred to be around friends, and so happily stowed his book on the seat beside him, leaning forward across the table with hands clasped in front of him, ready to share the news from the hospital from the last few days, and in turn to hear all about Serena’s steps to recovery.

 

An hour and a half later, Serena was beginning to flag. Bernie had first noticed the change in her posture, when she began to slump forward slightly instead of holding her normal proud frame.  Bernie had begun to look for a lull in conversation, in which she might have casually suggested that it was time to call it a night, but the desired lull hadn’t come.  Now, she could see Serena’s eyes becoming heavy, and she could have sworn that Serena had moved closer to her, as if to lean in to her.  Worried about the effect on Serena’s recovery of staying out much longer, she decided not to wait any more.

“Sacha, Serena, I’m so sorry to interrupt.  It’s silly, but I’m feeling pretty tired, I’m worried that if we stay much longer I shall fall asleep where I’m sitting!  Serena, would you mind if we headed back now?  I think I might even call a taxi to get us home!”

Serena realised instantly what Bernie was doing, and was overcome with gratitude and affection at the caring her best friend was showing her.  

“You’re very sweet, Bernie, but I know you’re just looking out for me.  You’re right, it is definitely time to head back, though.  No taxi, thank you - I came out for a walk, and walk I will - I’m determined, no arguing!  You’ll be ok, Sacha, if we leave you now?”

“Oh, yes, fine, fine.  After all, I have my trusty book!”  Sacha patted the seat next to him with an accommodating grin.  “It’s been a pleasure to see you, ladies.  May your recovery continue as successfully as it has been, I’m sure it will with the lovely Bernie to look after you - and I’ll be seeing you back at work in no time!”

Serena beamed delightedly at Sacha’s words, biting back the desire to agree with him about how lovely Bernie was, knowing that if she did so, not only would she deeply embarrass her friend, but she would also be risking revealing her true feelings toward her, feelings which would undoubtedly be most unwelcome.  She contented herself instead by merely thanking Sacha for his company and good wishes, and agreeing that she would indeed see him soon, fully recovered.

 

Bernie followed Serena out of the pub, watching the stress in her frame as she held herself tall.  As they began the walk back up the road, Serena groaned.

“I never really noticed that the walk back from the pub was uphill before!”

“No reason you would have.  I doubt you’ve made the trek so recently post surgery before.”  Bernie commiserated, moving closer to Serena and slipping her arm around Serena’s waist.

“Here, you can lean on me.  You should have let me call that taxi, you know.”

“For a 5 minute walk?  I’d have been too embarrassed!  What would the taxi driver have thought of us?!”

“Who cares?  I only care about you.”  Bernie blushed at the baldness of her own words, glad that the dusk hid the worst of it.

Serena slid her arm around Bernie’s waist, snuggling in close and splaying her fingers out over Bernie’s hip.  She allowed her head to tilt sideways to rest on Bernie’s shoulder, a small smile breaking through the exhaustion as she felt Bernie’s warmth, and the play of the muscles beneath the tips of her fingers as they slowly ambled along.  Bernie turned her head slightly, brushing her nose across Serena’s hair and inhaling deeply, briefly closing her eyes in pleasure as Serena’s scent surrounded her.

They hadn’t walked for more than a minute or so before the charged silence was broken by an unexpected male voice.

“Mum?!”

Bernie jumped at the sound of Cameron’s voice, and Serena straightened up, lifting her head to smile in greeting.

“What’s going on?!”  Cameron sounded confused, and suspicious.

Serena could feel Bernie tense beneath her hand and instinctively wanted to try and soothe her by stroking her hip, but realised that the action could only confuse and inflame the situation more.  She refused to draw away any further however, they had done nothing wrong, and she refused to make Bernie look guilty by her actions.

“Cam, I… well, as you know, I’m helping Serena recover…”

Cameron’s eyebrows shot up at Bernie’s words.  Serena decided to step in.

“Hi Cameron, it’s lovely to see you.  It’s my fault, really.  I decided I wanted to walk to the pub, it’s the first time I’ve felt well enough to get out of the house.  Unfortunately, despite your Mum’s warnings, I’ve managed to overdo it!”  she gave a little chuckle.  “Your poor Mum is now having to help me back home, otherwise I’d be stuck sleeping on the pavement tonight!”

Bernie’s tension didn’t abate, but after a moment, Cameron seemed to accept Serena’s easy words, and visibly relaxed.

“Right.  Well, I’m off to meet some mates now.  Mum, Dad says you’ll be back tomorrow to talk about the London stuff, so I’ll see you then.”  he gave a half wave and headed off past them.

“I love you!” Bernie called to his receding form.  

Without turning, Cam offered another wave in return.

As he disappeared down the road, Serena snuggled into Bernie again.

“Are you ok?” she asked Bernie.

Bernie gave a slight shrug.

“I guess so.  It’s just as you know, the first time I’ve seen him since Marcus and I officially separated.  And I wasn’t expecting to see him until tomorrow, when we tell him and Charlotte.  I just wasn’t prepared, I didn’t know what to say…”

“You did fine, Bernie.  And this time tomorrow, the hard part will be over.”  reassured Serena.

“Will it?  It might be just beginning.”  Bernie sounded downcast.  “And I didn’t do fine, _you_ did.  Thank you.”

Serena chose to remain wordless, instead finally allowing her hand to squeeze and stroke Bernie’s hip in support.

They walked the rest of the way back to Serena’s house in silence, pressed close against each other, both lost in thoughts about the other.  They had barely got inside and removed their coats before Serena turned unsteadily to Bernie.

“Bed?”  she asked, suppressing a yawn.

“Um, ok.”  agreed Bernie, for a moment wondering wildly where on earth she was supposed to be going, before deciding with a sinking stomach that it was safer to assume that she’d be returning to the spare room, where she couldn’t disturb Serena or betray her feelings through dreams again.

“Mine?” asked Serena, almost shyly.

Bernie felt a rush of warmth through her chest, ignoring her fear of self-betrayal as she fought to keep a beaming smile from spreading across her cheeks.

“Okay!” she said softly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, I am SO SORRY that there has been such a huge break between updates. Life came up and bit me on the behind, and I am currently drowning in deadlines (which I totally should be focussing on, but I've still ended up back here ;-))
> 
> I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I won't leave a fic unfinished, because I know how frustrating it can be. I promise!
> 
> Secondly, I just want to say a massive THANK YOU to everyone who has contacted me and asked about an update. I am so touched that there are people who want to know what happens next enough to leave a comment. I hope that I'll be able to get the last few chapters to you far quicker.
> 
> Finally, not having a Beta, I usually edit and re-edit a chapter at least a dozen times until I'm happy with it. I'm sorry if these last chapters aren't quite as exhaustively checked as they usually are, but time is not my friend. I just hope they flow well enough with previous chapters.
> 
> As ever, comments are ALWAYS welcome, I really love to hear what you think. Thank you for reading!


	10. Whatever Will Be, Will Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise in advance about the formatting of this chapter! I'm not at home, I'm trying to upload on a tablet, and it is just going completely and horribly wrong! I will correct when I'm back home next week, but since the chapter has already been posted and had to be taken down once because of the problems, I'm thinking it's better to just get it posted, so I've done the best I can, and I will pretty it up later!

When Serena awoke the next morning, the bed beside her was empty.  She sat up, wincing at the uncomfortable tugging on her stomach, evidence that she really had overdone it by going out last night.  She lifted her pajama top and peeled down the waistband of the trousers, trying to get a good look at the wound. It was red and angry looking, but not to the point of infection.  Perhaps it would be an idea to get Bernie to take a proper look, just to be on the safe side.  It was only - Serena mentally calculated - 7 days since her surgery, after all. A patient of hers would still be in a hospital bed in this situation, chained there if necessary. Once again, Serena gave thanks for Bernie and how good she had been to her over her frankly medically unsound demands.

Wondering where Bernie was, Serena pushed aside the renewed discomfort and eased herself out of bed and down the stairs.  
She found Bernie huddled in the corner of the sofa, knees drawn to her chest, and clutching a mug of coffee. She looked pale and wan. Bernie looked up at her approach.

“Hey,” she said softly. “I’m sorry, did I disturb you?”

Serena shook her head, smiling gently.

“Not in the least. I slept like a log, after our outing. You, I take it, did not, however?”

“No.” said Bernie quietly, tightening her lips in a pained expression. “Yesterday, I was trying so hard not to think about it all. But then, seeing Cam, it all… and today, I have to…” she tailed off.

Serena gingerly crossed the room, sitting close to Bernie and putting her hand on Bernie’s knee.

“I know. Today’s the day. What time did you agree?”

“I’m going round straight after lunch. Marcus suggested I have lunch there, but I can’t bear the idea of eating a meal together and pretending everything is ok, just to drop a bombshell afterwards! Or just as bad, dropping the bomb, and then having the meal.” Bernie grimaced.

“I think that’s wise.” agreed Serena. “And Marcus has made sure the children will be there?”

“He says he has. At least we know from yesterday that Cam is planning to show up. As for Charlotte, well, if she’s told him she will, then she will.”

Serena squeezed Bernie’s knee, before using it as leverage to push herself up.

“Looks like you’ve let your coffee go cold. Another?”

Bernie uncurled herself and made to rise also.

“Oh, let me…”

“No,” interrupted Serena, “ _I_ am going to make the coffee. _You_ are going to drink another cup, have a bite to eat if you’ve not already, then go and have a long shower, or a soak in the bath, or something to try and help relax you. I know this morning is going to be a write-off for you, so we’re just going to get you through it the best that we can, then send you off to talk to your kids. It’s going to be ok, Bernie. This part is the worst part, the not knowing. When you’ve told them, then you’ll know what you’re dealing with, and it will make it easier, whatever their reaction. I’ll be here waiting for you when you’re done, and it really will be ok.” Serena gave Bernie a small, reassuring smile.

As Serena spoke, Bernie had been gazing intently at her, as if Serena’s words were her lifeline. As soon as Serena had finished speaking, Bernie stood and launched herself into Serena’s arms, wrapping her own tightly across Serena’s back and burying her face into Serena’s neck. Serena stiffened in surprise at Bernie’s out of character display, before melting into the hug, wrapping her own arms firmly around Bernie, and pressing a kiss to her head, raising one hand to tenderly stroke her hair. Bernie felt Serena’s soft caress, and the act of gentle care, combined with the softness of Serena’s curves pressed against her own frame raised goosebumps on her flesh, and caused her breasts to grow heavy and sensitised. Despite her distress, Bernie never wanted the moment to end.

They remained locked together for long moments, Serena unable to stop her comforting caresses from becoming more sensual as her body grew heavy with arousal. Her fingers were no longer stroking over the surface of Bernie’s hair, instead she tangled her fingertips through the strands and began sensuously massaging across Bernie’s scalp. She could feel her breathing grow heavier and her hips begin to cant forward of their own volition, seeking relief from the burning heat pooling at her core as she fought the desire to tug hard on Bernie’s hair to pull her face around to be kissed. She hurriedly pulled away, exhaling hard as she turned to avoid the risk of eye contact, and quickly headed to the kitchen, trying to put some distance between them.

“Let’s start with that coffee, then, shall we?” she called brightly over her shoulder as she went.

Bernie couldn’t follow Serena even if she had wanted to. Her legs were like jelly with the intensity of the moment, and she sank once more onto the sofa, trembling. It was all too much - she had come so close to betraying her feelings to Serena. She felt a little like she was drowning, she had too many emotions swirling around to be able to successfully manage any of them. Serena was right, this morning was going to be a write off for her - it had to be, because if she tried to pretend she could function, if she tried to be around Serena, she was just going to do something else that might reveal how she felt. It was hard enough to deal with the fact that her children might hate her, she couldn’t bear to do something which might make Serena hate her too. No, she would follow Serena’s suggestions - have her coffee - she could surely behave for at least that long - then head off for a bath, or stay in her room, anything to prevent her from messing anything else in her life up.

 

Bernie did as she had planned. After finishing her coffee, rather quickly as attested by her burnt mouth, she practically ran upstairs to the spare room. Serena was secretly glad. Once she had been sure that Bernie hadn’t followed her into the kitchen, she had taken far longer than technically necessary to make the coffee. She had needed the time to calm herself down, and to prepare a profuse apology in case Bernie mentioned anything about her untoward behaviour. Luckily, Bernie hadn’t said a word when she had finally returned to the living room with coffees in hand, but the atmosphere between them had most definitely been charged as they’d sat drinking in near silence. Serena was still slightly concerned that she had upset Bernie with her behaviour, and was prepared to address the situation later if necessary with apologies and excuses, but she was desperately hoping that Bernie had been too distracted by her family situation to have drawn conclusions from Serena’s odd actions.

Serena didn’t really have an opportunity to find out. When lunchtime rolled around, Serena made herself a sandwich, calling up the stairs to see if Bernie would like anything, but Bernie stayed firmly in her room, only offering a muffled refusal in response. In fact, Bernie hadn’t ventured downstairs again until it was time for her to go and meet with Marcus and the children, and only then briefly popping her head into the living room where Serena was sitting with a book, to say goodbye.

 

Marcus and the kids were in the kitchen when Bernie let herself into the house. Cam was lounging around on a kitchen chair, balanced on its back two legs as he tapped rapidly on his phone; a message, or a game, Bernie thought. Charlotte was sat at the other end of the table far more circumspectly, head buried in a book, twirling a strand of her hair round and around her finger as she frowned at the pages, clearly lost in the story. Marcus had been wiping down the countertops, but turned as Bernie came in, crossing his arms and looking serious.

“Bernie.” he acknowledged, shortly.

Cam looked up from his phone.

“Hi, Mum. Get Serena back ok last night then?”

Marcus looked questioningly at Cam.

“It took a while, but I got her back.” replied Bernie, before looking at Marcus. “Serena wanted to go for a walk, but it was too much, too soon. We bumped into Cam just as I was helping her back home.”

“You probably should’ve just given her a fireman’s lift, Mum! Would’ve been quicker!” joked Cam.

Bernie, unable to muster any humour given the circumstance, gave a weak smile in response, causing Cameron to narrow his eyes and put his phone down, letting the chair drop back down onto all four legs.

“What is it, Mum?!” he asked suspiciously.

Bernie clenched her fists, letting her nails dig into her palms, and chewed her bottom lip. Her dear, sweet little boy, so grown up, so intuitive. When did he learn to read people so well? Bernie took a deep breath. Here we go, she thought, pulling out a chair for herself between Cam at one end and Charlotte at the other.

“Cam, Charlotte,” she began. “Dad and I need to talk to you…”

 

The hour that followed was one of the most gruelling of Bernie’s life - military service notwithstanding. It went both far better and far worse than she had imagined. Neither of the children had said much to the news of their parents’ divorce. Charlotte had sat quietly, looking like a kicked puppy, eyes wide with betrayal as they flickered between Bernie and Marcus. Cameron had kept his eyes mostly on Bernie, watching her carefully and suspiciously. To his credit, Marcus had supported Bernie fully, confirming to the children that the decision was mutual and blameless, although his damp and reddened eyes showed Bernie that he was still taking the decision very badly, and she felt perhaps he might still be wishing that things could have gone another way.

They’d laid out their differing decisions about where they would choose to live, and promised both Cam and Charlotte that they had a home with both parents, and were free to choose their primary base without fear of recrimination from either party. For Cam, it was easy; like Marcus he was already firmly fixed on going back to London for his next rotation, and slipping back into his old crowd. Charlotte had just shaken her head when asked if she knew where she wanted to live, and Bernie had reached out to hold her hand as she assured her that she could take all the time she needed to decide, but Charlotte had just pulled away and hidden her hands below the table.

After they had offered the children some time to process the news, Charlotte had run off to her room, and Marcus had excused himself, saying he needed to get some air, leaving Bernie and Cam alone in the kitchen.

Bernie stood with a tight smile.

“I’ll head back next door. Give you some time too. Would you, would you look out for your sister for me?” she asked Cam.

“Don’t worry about Charlotte. She’ll be fine. But I will.” promised Cam.

Bernie thanked Cam, half lifting her arms as if to hug him, but when he didn’t move to step forward, she let them drop again, twitching them helplessly. She turned to go.

“Mum!” Cam stopped her in her tracks.

Bernie turned, enquiringly.

“What’s going on between you and Serena?!”

Bernie’s eyes widened in shock, and she felt a blush creep up from her chest.

“What, what do you mean?! I’m helping her recover! You know that!”

“I know that’s what you say you’re doing. But, last night, there’s something… If I didn’t know you, I’d have said you were… it’s as if… There’s something, Mum. Tell me.”

Bernie was blushing in earnest now.

“There’s nothing, Cam. Serena is a friend, and she’s been very good to me through all this with your Dad. That’s it. That’s all.”  
Cameron snorted and shook his head in displeasure.

“You always taught Charlotte and I to be honest. You said lying was the worst thing you can do. I agree, lying to someone is pretty awful. But I’ve learned something for myself, and that is that lying to yourself is the worst thing of all!” He looked at Bernie assessingly for a long moment, offering her the chance to speak, before speaking again himself.   “See you, Mum.” he said with a twisted smile, and with that, Cameron turned and stalked out of the kitchen, leaving Bernie frozen in place, mouth open in astonishment.

                                                                              *

From the moment Bernie had left, Serena had been racked with tension and nerves on behalf of her friend. She had been curled up on the sofa when Bernie had said goodbye, but quickly discovered that it was impossible to remain so in her current state of stress, and so she relocated to a kitchen chair, where she could more easily perch on the edge and tap her foot, an unconscious reflection of Bernie’s own posture just next door. She spent the next hour or so watching the hands of the kitchen clock tick round, and wishing she could be there to support Bernie in some way.

When the front door finally opened, Serena tried to jump up to greet Bernie, but ended up stumbling as her sore stomach betrayed her. She hobbled into the hallway to see Bernie kick off her shoes, and stand tall to greet her with her arms wrapped defensively around her stomach. Serena took a step forward and raised her hand as if to touch Bernie, but Bernie shook her head, shrinking backward slightly. She was still shaken by Cameron’s astute assessment of her feelings for Serena. If Cam could draw that conclusion based on a meeting lasting only minutes, how could she and Serena continue acting the way they had around each other of late; sharing a bed, the easy affection? Bernie could see no way it could continue without Serena quickly intuiting Bernie’s feelings. Cam’s words had made one thing completely clear; for her own sake, and for the sake of her friendship with Serena, she had to gently and firmly draw back and return things to a less physical and more cerebral friendship.

Serena frowned slightly, but let her arm drop back down without comment. She took in Bernie’s self-protective stance, and asked sympathetically,

“Would you like to tell me how it went?”

“I’m not entirely sure there’s much to tell.” Bernie hunched her shoulders over even more.

“Well, why don’t you come through to the kitchen anyway? I’ll get the kettle on.” said Serena, gesturing before turning and heading into the kitchen.

Bernie followed, lowering herself into the chair which Serena had been occupying a short time ago. Serena busied herself with the kettle, wondering whether to push Bernie to reveal the source of her apparent distress, or to allow her to process it all in her own time. Even as she was pondering the matter, Bernie spoke up.

“Cameron didn’t react too badly.” she said.

Serena turned around to look at her.

“Well, that’s good, isn’t it? What did Charlotte say?”

Bernie dropped her face into her hands, her reply muffled through her fingers.

“Nothing. Nothing at all. But she looked so hurt, Serena. It broke my heart to see her so upset.”

“I think, I think it’s reasonable to assume that there would be a certain amount of distress, wouldn’t you say?” Serena spoke slowly, trying to choose her words carefully. “I’m not sure it’s ever easy for a child, however grown up, to find out that their parents are splitting up. But often, the initial shock is the worst. When she’s had some time to think about it, she might come to terms with it a bit better. She didn’t say a single word?”

Bernie shook her head. “Not one.”

“You’ve always told me that Charlotte is quite a thoughtful child. Could it be that her reaction was actually quite in character?”

Bernie looked thoughtful for a moment. “Yes, I suppose you’re right. But she’s not shy with her opinions, so when she has processed the news, I expect I shall be in for quite the no-holds barred reaction.”

“Well, then, try not to worry too much for now. She knows that both you and Marcus love her, and are there for her. She’ll come to you when she’s ready to share her feelings.”

Bernie nodded and smiled gratefully at Serena, for once more having the ability to offer her an anchor to grab hold of, and put her problems into some form of perspective.  
Serena finished making tea, and whilst they sat and drank it, Bernie told Serena everything that had happened during her visit back home - only holding back the final conversation she had with Cam. Serena asked the occasional question, and offered considered observations, and by the time they’d finished talking it through, Bernie felt calmer, and not only more grounded about the situation with the children, but also more certain that her relationship with Serena could continue to thrive if she drew back and re-established the balance to as it was before Serena’s illness.

 

When the hour grew late, and Serena suggested it might be time to head off to bed, Bernie agreed. However when they reached the top of the stairs and Serena asked Bernie to sleep in her room again, Bernie gently declined, explaining that she would rather be alone tonight after the events of this afternoon. She qualified that, of course, if Serena needed her in the night she should call, but that since Serena’s recovery was going so well, she felt confident that she wasn’t needed from the start. Without waiting for argument, Bernie offered Serena a small smile, then turned and headed into the guest room, closing the door behind her with a decisive click.

Serena stood in the hallway for a moment, fighting back a wave of disappointment. She had been very much enjoying having Bernie in her bed, close enough to reach out and touch in the night, and there beside her when she awoke and opened her eyes in the morning. But she knew it was selfish to persuade Bernie to be there when she clearly needed the space. Heading into her room and swiftly getting ready for bed, Serena slid between her sheets, feeling strangely adrift in the huge expanse of empty bed. She had always relished having an ocean of space to stretch out in whilst she slept, but tonight, for the first time, her bed just felt far too big. She thought for a moment that she might leave it a couple of hours, then call out for Bernie - but quickly changed her mind once more. Bernie had been such a wonderful friend to her through her recovery. How could she repay her with such selfishness? Resigning herself to a lonely night, Serena curled up into a ball, wrapping the covers tightly around herself, and closed her eyes, willing sleep to come.

 

The following day, Serena had suggested another walk, but Bernie had wanted to stay in the house in case Charlotte called and wanted to speak to her. Serena had readily agreed - if she was honest with herself, she hadn’t wanted to go for a walk entirely for the exercise, but more for the excuse to wind her arm through Bernie’s and press close against her.  
Bernie, however, was continuing her plan to re-establish physical distance from Serena, and Serena couldn’t help but be aware of the lengths Bernie was going to, to keep out of touching distance. Naturally tactile anyway, and especially so since she had realised she was in love with Bernie, the lack of contact was driving Serena crazy.

 

The several days that followed were no different. Bernie took great pains to comment often about how much better Serena was doing and how well she’d healed. Serena had come to realise that Bernie’s need for space wasn’t entirely to do with her fractured relationship with her children, but was in part to do with Serena herself. She had come to the only possible conclusion that made sense - which was that Bernie had realised Serena was in love with her, and rather than embarrassing her by bringing it up, Bernie was just trying in the nicest way she could to tell Serena that there was no way her feelings were reciprocated, and that whilst Bernie wasn’t so upset by the discovery as to dissolve their friendship, in order to continue, Serena must cease any unwelcome physical contact. This realisation had hurt, but equally, Serena had been grateful to Bernie for not turning her back on the friendship completely, and she had therefore resolved to stop making Bernie feel uncomfortable, and learn to accept the new boundaries.

Bernie had also suggested that perhaps Serena would like her house back now, since she didn’t need Bernie as a nurse any longer, but Serena had assured her that it had been an unexpected pleasure to have the company, and wouldn’t Bernie prefer to stay put a little longer, rather than return home to an atmosphere where Cameron was wary and withdrawn around her, and Charlotte still hadn’t even spoken a word to her? Not to mention the air of sadness which hung between her and Marcus. Bernie had reluctantly agreed, and, after making certain that Serena was completely sure, she had made Serena promise to let her know the moment she’d had enough, so Bernie could move back out immediately.  
Serena was over the moon that Bernie had agreed to stay on for a while, and to celebrate, she had arranged to have Bernie’s own key cut. The decision was in part practical, due to Bernie’s return to work, but Serena wasn’t able to deny that secretly it was symbolically so much more.

 

A couple of weeks later, Serena was finally ready to return to work too. She arrived on AAU to whoops and cheers, Fletch in particular was delighted to have her back, having butted heads more than a few times with Ric Griffin. Morven squealed with excitement, and hugged her so tight, Serena thought her fully healed incision might be at risk of bursting open once more. Raf was more reserved, but no less glad. Serena was rather pleased with the reception, though she felt the need to remind her staff that they were on a busy hospital ward where professionalism and patient care were paramount. The team all took it very well, however, and went on their way with smiles on their faces.

Serena began her day doing rounds with Raf, being briefed on all the patients currently on the ward, and the expected surgical requirements. She was somewhat surprised when, less than an hour into her shift, Bernie popped her head around the ward door.

“Hi Serena! I just wanted to look in and see how you were doing!”

Serena beamed at Bernie.

“Very well, thank you. I’ve had a wonderful welcome back! Anyone would think my staff are glad to see the back of Ric Griffin!” Serena spoke the last in an exaggerated whisper behind the back of her hand.

Bernie chuckled. “Yes, well, their gain is our loss! Dom and Essie are walking around like wet weekends now that Ric is back with us!”

“Poor Ric, bringing misery wherever he goes!” joked Serena.

When the laughter had stopped, Bernie cleared her throat.

“Right, well, glad to see you’re doing well. I’d really best head back now.” she said.

“Ok, I’ll see you later.” replied Serena, smiling warmly.

Serena watched Bernie walk away through the doors before turning and heading into her office, still smiling. That couple of minutes chat had felt more natural than any of their other interactions from the last few days. Perhaps getting back into the proper routines of their lives would ease some of this unspoken tension which still existed between them, however hard either of them tried to shake it off. Cautiously optimistic, Serena nodded to herself in satisfaction, before turning to begin her admin, picking up the top file from a depressingly tall pile of paperwork.

 

It had barely been more than another hour before Serena was disturbed by a light knock on her office door.

“Come!” she called.

The door opened to reveal Bernie, peering sheepishly around the doorframe.

“Bernie! Another visit, so soon!” Serena exclaimed, happily.

Bernie slipped further into the room.

“I brought you coffee and a pastry,” she said, holding both out. “I thought you might be feeling tired, you know, first day back after a long break where you’ve not been able to do much. I didn’t like the idea of you struggling, so I thought these might perk you up.”

“That’s really very thoughtful of you!” Serena beamed. “Whilst I’m incredibly grateful, I am doing ok though. But I shall enjoy these very much!”

Bernie looked thrilled at Serena’s words.

“Right, then. Great! That’s good. I’ll see you later!” and giving a little wave, Bernie disappeared once more.

Serena sat gazing into the distance for some minutes, unable to wipe the silly smile off her face. She thought she had been doing quite well recently in trying to suppress her feelings, but Bernie’s small acts of thoughtfulness were making Serena fall in love with her all over again. And right now, she couldn’t bring herself to fight it.

 

Bernie reappeared several more times over the course of the day, each time with a little something to ease Serena’s day. Serena was practically euphoric by the time she finished her shift, and prepared to head back home. On Bernie’s last visit, Bernie had offered to wait for her so they could travel back together, and Serena couldn’t leave AAU fast enough in her desire to see Bernie again and enjoy her shy smile.

When she caught up with Bernie outside Pulses, however, the smile was absent.

“I’ve just had a text from Marcus,” began Bernie, without preamble. “St James have released him from his contract without working the remainder of his notice. It seems he was right - well, more or less. They’ve decided not to fill his post, they’re restructuring the department and apparently he’s now surplus to requirements!”

“Ok, well, it’s not good news, but since he was leaving anyway, surely…”

“That’s not the point, Serena! He now wants to pack up and move back to London immediately! I thought I still had a couple of weeks before he left!” Bernie wailed.

Serena felt a moment of panic that Bernie was rethinking her decision to leave Marcus, before suddenly, the penny dropped.

“Oh! The children!”

“Exactly!” said Bernie. “I know Cam is going, I’m resigned to that, and at least he’s talking to me, albeit stiltedly. But Charlotte - well, as far as I know, she still hasn’t even decided what she’s going to do!”

“You need to go and talk to them.” said Serena, knowing that Bernie needed her support, but secretly mourning the loss of the evening of closeness that she had anticipated.

“Yes, I do,” agreed Bernie. “Though why do I feel like I need Dutch courage?”

Serena tightened her lips sympathetically, fighting the urge to reach out and rub Bernie’s arm.

“Come on, let’s get back, and you can go and do what you need to do.” she said, instead.

 

Bernie and Serena parted ways as soon as they had pulled up outside Serena’s house. Bernie had squared her shoulders and headed off to face Marcus and the children, whilst Serena let herself into her own house. She hung her coat and kicked her shoes off, rolling the kinks out of her neck before heading into the kitchen. First order of business - wine. She inwardly chuckled to herself about old habits - first day back at work, and it was as if she’d never been away, going straight for that after-shift relaxation. But Bernie would appreciate it upon her return - she’d not had any pre-discussion dutch courage, but a little post-discussion Shiraz might just be the ticket.

Initially, Serena had planned to wait for Bernie before starting the wine, but that decision lasted all of 10 minutes, about the length of time it took her to change into her casual clothes. There was no point in pretending that Bernie’s pain wasn’t her pain, that Bernie’s stress wasn’t her _dis_ tress. Somewhere along the way, at some time over the past few weeks, the threads of Bernie’s happiness had become so tightly interwoven with her own, that Serena couldn’t imagine not being a part of her life.

 

Bernie returned some time later, red eyed and trembling. By that time, Serena was well over half way through the bottle of Shiraz, and, her inhibitions lowered, she forgot to stop herself from rushing over and engulfing Bernie in a hug. Bernie melted against her, not fully returning the hug, but allowing herself to be comforted nonetheless. Just for a moment, she allowed herself to take both comfort and pleasure in the pressure of Serena’s body against her own; allowing her senses to glory in the scent of Serena’s skin and hair, and her body to react to the comforting strokes of Serena’s hands on her back, translating them into erotic yearning. All too soon, Bernie stiffened once more, pulling gently away and taking a step back, leaving Serena no choice but to release her.

Serena mentally cursed herself for her slip, clapping her hands together in her annoyance, making Bernie jump slightly.

“Right, you. Wine’s opened, so grab a glass and tell me everything.” she commanded, turning and preceding Bernie into the kitchen, where she poured a large glass and handed it to Bernie. Sitting down opposite her at the kitchen table, Serena tilted her head and raised her eyebrows encouragingly.

“Marcus and Cameron are going up to London tomorrow. Marcus is looking at a couple of flats to let until he finds a place to buy - and Cam is moving a load of his stuff up, he’s got a room in a shared house with some of his old Uni friends.” Bernie sniffed, and passed a hand across her eyes.

“And Charlotte?” asked Serena, gently.

“Charlotte… She’s staying until the end of the school term. But then she’s going back to London too. All her friends are there…” Bernie looked stricken. “I know I said it would be ok and I expected it, but still…”

“The difference is, Bernie, that you’ll be in the same country, and you’ll be able to go and visit her often, and have her to stay with you! It sounds like she at least spoke to you today?”

“Actually, that was the best thing to come out of it. She says she doesn’t blame me, or Marcus, and that she knew things weren’t right between us. She said she thinks that splitting up is the right thing for us, and that we shouldn’t feel guilty that she feels sad. She said she loved us both, and she hated having to choose which of us to live with,” Bernie couldn’t hold back a small sob, which she hid behind her hand, “but that she was more used to coping without me, and she wanted to be back with her friends. So London won.”

Serena ached to comfort Bernie properly. She reached out across the table, hoping that the expanse of table between them would serve as enough of a buffer for Bernie to be able to accept her offered hand without feeling uncomfortable about Serena’s feelings. Bernie hesitated for a moment, before moving her hand to meet Serena’s, allowing Serena to knit their fingers together and begin a rhythmic stroking of Bernie’s hand with her thumb.

“You’ve got this bit of time with her, Bernie. And it’s wonderful news that she has accepted the divorce so well. You really do have an intelligent and mature daughter, she’s a credit to you. To you both. Make the most of her, and you’ll find a way to stay close when she goes back.” Serena reassured.

Bernie flexed her fingers involuntarily against Serena’s.

“I’m moving back home tomorrow!” she said, her voice laced with regret.

Serena smiled sadly. “Of course you are. Charlotte needs you.”

Bernie smiled back, gently withdrawing her hand.

“I’d better throw my stuff together.” she said, pushing back her chair, and standing.

“I’d like you to keep your key!” said Serena, a strance note in her voice, as Bernie turned to the door.

Bernie looked back questioningly.

“Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it? We’re neighbours, it’s always useful to have someone with a spare key in case you lock yourself out! But, I want you to have it for more than that. It’s been lovely having you around. I like the idea that you can pop round any time you like. You know, if you need some space, or distance, or anything like that. Even if I’m not here!” Serena looked earnestly at Bernie.

Bernie didn’t know what to say. She opened her mouth wordlessly a couple of times, before finally settling on a whispered ‘Thank you’, and scurrying off to the spare room.

 

Serena felt ridiculously morose. She poured the last of the wine into her glass, immediately opening another bottle. Bernie was only going back next door, for goodness’ sake! They’d still see each other all the time, and they worked in the same place too! Why did she feel this pressure in her chest, this sinking sensation in her stomach? She had it bad. Serena Wendy Campbell, head over heels in love with a woman. What a thing. If only that woman felt the same way. She took another big swallow of wine, and rested her chin in her hand, staring glumly into the distance.

Bernie returned to the kitchen about half an hour later, looking more composed. The redness around her eyes had gone, and she glanced curiously at the empty bottle on the side, and it’s opened companion.

“You’ve raced on without me!” she exclaimed, in mock offense.

“Mmm. Got to get used to drinking alone again.” said Serena, with a sardonic twist of her mouth.

“I’m sure that won’t be necessary. We’ll still have our evenings!” exclaimed Bernie, before being hit by a sudden wave of insecurity. “Won’t we?” she asked, unsure.

“I bloody hope so!” retorted Serena, making the decision to stop wallowing. “Now drink up, Wolfe, you’ve got some catching up to do. If this is our last night as housemates, we may as well make it go out with a bang!”

Bernie chuckled, picking up her glass from earlier and tossing the contents back in one go, grimacing slightly as she wiped her mouth on the back of her fingers.

“Right you are. C’mon then, fill me up, Campbell!”

They ended up sitting side by side on the living room floor. They had pushed the coffee table, complete with its impressive collection of empty bottles, out of the way, and had even given up using wine glasses, after an formidably grandiose gesture by Serena had slopped Shiraz over the rim of the glass, soaking her trousers. Bernie had found the outraged look on Serena's face hilarious, and her uncontrolled giggling had soon ensnared Serena into joining her in peals of laughter. Her main annoyance had been the waste of good Shiraz anyway, rather than her black trousers which would never actually show the stain.  
Once the laughter had died down, a quick change of clothes and the impounding of the wine glasses soon had the evening back on track, and had indeed precipitated the move to their current floor based seating arrangements, backs leaning against the sofa, in keeping with the less than formal drinking arrangements of sharing the bottle.

“Reminds me of my student days, you know!” said Serena, taking a swig before passing the bottle to Bernie.

“Sounds like you were a rebel!” said Bernie.

“Takes one to know one!” said Serena.

“No, actually.” said Bernie with a self derisive snort. “I was quite straight laced. Always have been, really. Stick to the rules, don’t rock the boat, that kind of thing.”

“Ah, well, now I know why we’re such good friends!” laughed Serena. “You were sent to me so I could corrupt you!” she reached out and put her hand on Bernie’s knee, and was delighted to find that, for the first time in days, Bernie didn’t flinch away.

“I think you might be right.” The joking tone had left Bernie’s voice, and her gaze was steady and serious, her cheeks pink - most probably with the wine, Serena thought.

Serena was aware that she’d had a lot to drink, and that she was a little bit tipsy, but there was something in Bernie’s eyes which she couldn’t name, something that made her heart beat a little faster. She glanced briefly at Bernie’s slightly parted lips, feeling an almost magnetic pull toward them. It would be so easy to lean over right now and capture Bernie’s lips with her own, to curl her hand around Bernie’s neck and pull her close, to let her hands roam… But wine or no, there was no excuse for unwanted advances. She straightened up, looking away from Bernie and straight ahead.

“Well, best not stop now!” she said, reaching for the wine bottle and topping both their glasses up.


	11. Dare To Dream

Bernie moved back home the next day.  She felt a pang of regret that she was no longer going to be so close to Serena, but the pang was considerably masked by the blinding hangover she was sporting.  Bernie was no lightweight, she’d held her own on many an evening on tour with the lads, but Serena was in a league of her own.  How she was still up and walking this morning was a mystery to Bernie, who had spent the first half an hour upon waking throwing up, and the next lying groaning on her bed waiting for the painkillers to kick in.  Outwardly she may be functioning, walking and talking, but inwardly, she felt like she was turning up toe.

Marcus and Cam had left for London by the time she finally managed to drag her bag home, so, moving her belongings into Cam’s room, she settled in for a painful day, and a generally stressful few weeks.

*

In the end, it had taken Marcus a full two and a half weeks to move out.  He’d found a place in London reasonably quickly, but he’d drawn out the moving process, packing his things in dribs and drabs, making frequent trips back to Holby, where he’d unexpectedly stop for dinner, or even just a few cups of tea.  It was difficult for Bernie, but she could see that it was harder still for Marcus to let go of their marriage, so despite any personal discomfort - and to maintain a good relationship for the sake of the children - she bore the drawn out process with equanimity.  

Cameron had only made one trip back since his initial return to London - he’d taken everything he valued on that first trip and settled quickly into his new shared house, only returning for the remainder of his belongings ten days later.  

Bernie and Charlotte had spent a wonderful couple of weeks together.  Although the first few days had been a little stilted, the chance to spend time alone together without the men around had done wonders for their relationship.  For the first time in years, Bernie felt as if she was properly connecting with her daughter, enjoying long conversations, and shopping and coffee trips.  Previously, Charlotte had always seemed to hold a big part of herself back from Bernie - perhaps as punishment for leaving her, perhaps through fear of losing her whilst she was away on tour, but now, despite another impending separation, Charlotte no longer seemed to carry that same need for distance, and their relationship blossomed accordingly.  When, a couple of weeks later, it came time for Charlotte to move back to London to live in Marcus’ new place, it was the hardest parting Bernie had yet endured.  

Serena was a rock through the whole process.  Although the couple of weeks of mother-daughter bonding time had left little opportunity to spend time with Serena, she had always been there in the background, ready to meet for the occasional coffee morning when they were both off work and Charlotte was at school, and at all other times making Bernie smile with little supportive texts, and late night calls.  And when Charlotte finally said goodbye and got onto the train, Serena was instantly at Bernie’s side, offering her a shoulder to cry on - or in Bernie’s case, a companion to sit in silence with, whilst drinking Shiraz and staring into the distance.

Serena’s unwavering support had once again lowered Bernie’s guard, and despite her resolution to pull back from the tactile aspect of their relationship, it had slowly and unobtrusively crept back in.  Once again, it was perfectly normal for Serena to lay a hand on Bernie’s arm or leg to punctuate her conversation, and Bernie had lost focus of her concerns enough that she no longer flinched when they stood or sat close together, arms and thighs brushing.  Indeed, now her family had gone, she took comfort in Serena’s nearness, and thrived on their connection.

 *

Christmas rolled round, then New Year.  Bernie had gone up to London for Christmas, spending it with the children, and Marcus, but for New Year, it had just been Bernie and Serena.  They’d shunned the big parties and hospital gatherings that they’d been invited to, choosing instead to spend the evening in Serena’s living room with plenty of wine and Jools Holland’s Hootenanny for company, quietly toasting the new year in with a clink of glasses and a brief but fierce hug.

The new year also saw Bernie as the sole owner of the house next door to Serena, having bought Marcus out.  She was struggling to find the house much of a home, however; the rooms echoed with the ghosts of her children, and the house itself represented her failure to stay committed to her marriage, making it difficult for her to ever be completely happy there.  Instead, and to Serena’s delight, Bernie spent a considerable amount of her free time at Serena’s, and had in fact even used Serena’s keys once or twice in Serena’s absence, just to get herself out of her own four walls.

 

Life at the hospital was as hectic as ever.  Intrigued by Bernie’s unique medical background, Serena had managed to request Bernie’s assistance as an extra pair of hands a couple of times on AAU, and had found herself to be as impressed with Bernie’s skills in the flesh as she was in concept.  She was also overwhelmed by the natural ease with which they cooperated, each anticipating the others needs to an extent that was as rare as it was awe-inspiring.  Indeed, she had taken to picking Bernie’s brains at every possible opportunity when trauma cases presented themselves, reveling in Bernie’s avant-garde (by NHS standards) ideas and treatment plans.  She had even, without Bernie’s knowledge, managed to compile a report detailing cases upon which Bernie’s wisdom had had a direct positive impact, and she had presented the report as a proposal to Hanssen, in support of requisitioning funds for a long desired new trauma unit to be attached to AAU.  

 

The weeks passed, and Easter rolled round.  Bernie was delighted when Charlotte asked if she could come to stay with her for her Easter break from school.  She had spent the week prior to Charlotte’s arrival researching more and more ideas for things they could do together, and Serena had had to remind her that Charlotte was on a holiday from school, and actually might want to have a day or two just relaxing at home without being on a constant whirlwind tour of activities.

Not a moment too soon for Bernie, Friday finally rolled around, and with it her last shift at the hospital for the next couple of weeks.  Charlotte was due to catch the train down tomorrow morning, and their two weeks together could then finally begin.  Things were slow for Bernie on Keller, and she was alternating between offering thanks that it seemed like she wasn’t going to get caught up in some emergency which would have her stuck in the hospital for half the night, and cursing the slow crawl of time which was only made worse by not being busy.  

Late afternoon saw her playing hookie from Keller, and perching on the edge of Serena’s desk down on AAU, babbling nervously about whether Charlotte would like the activities she’d had in mind.  Serena reached out a hand, clasping both of Bernie’s in her own, stilling their frantic fluttering.

“Charlotte is going to love spending time with you, Bernie.  Whatever it is you choose to do.  She just wants to see her Mum!”

Bernie beamed at Serena, turning her hand over underneath Serena’s so she could grasp Serena’s hand in a reciprocal gesture.  Without the need for further words, the women sat smiling at each other, drawing comfort and strength from each others' presence. 

Their moment was broken by a tentative knock, the door immediately opening without invitation.  Serena turned her head, an annoyed look on her face as she prepared to berate the person who had so rudely interrupted, but instead, her eyebrows shot up and her gaze snapped back to Bernie. Confused by the absence of a scathing remark from Serena, Bernie turned her head to see who had rendered Serena so silent, only to discover Charlotte standing in the doorway, taking in the scene before her.  Dropping Serena’s hand, Bernie leapt up, rushing to the door to embrace her daughter.

“Charlotte!  What are you doing here?  I mean, it’s wonderful - but we weren’t expecting you until tomorrow!  Oh, I’m so happy to see you!”  she hugged Charlotte even tighter.

Charlotte chuckled.

“It’s great to see you too, Mum, but I need to breathe!”

Bernie relaxed her grip a little, stepping back a fraction so she could see Charlotte properly.

“You’ve changed!”  she said, critically.  “You look more grown up!”

“Mum!” groaned Charlotte.  “It’s only been a couple of weeks since you last saw me, and I’ve not changed at all!   But it really _is_ good to see you!”

Bernie pulled Charlotte into another hug.

“It’s nice to see you too, Serena.”  said Charlotte, over Bernie’s shoulder.

Serena stood, approaching the familial reunion.

“You too!”  she said.  “Your Mum has been so excited about your visit, she’s talked about little else for the last week or so.”  she waited until Bernie released her daughter again, stepping in to give Charlotte a brief hug and a peck on the cheek, then stepping back again to allow Bernie to focus on her daughter.

“So, how are you here?  A day early?  And on AAU!”  asked Bernie, still gazing at Charlotte in delight.

“Well, I decided to surprise you!”  explained Charlotte.  “My last class finished before lunch, so I thought I’d just grab my stuff and jump on a train.  I headed up to Keller, but one of the doctors said you’d disappeared, and suggested I check down here on AAU.  As soon as he said that, I remembered Serena was on AAU, so I came straight down, then one of _your_ doctors”, she nodded toward Serena, “buzzed me in, and said you were in here!  So here I am!  _Surprise_!”  she said in a wry tone, looking assessingly between her mother and Serena, with raised eyebrows.

Choosing to ignore the weight of Charlotte’s scrutiny, Serena turned to Bernie and spoke.

“I reckon that if you go and sweet talk Sacha, he’ll cover so you can leave a bit early.  Go on, off with you!  Have a wonderful couple of weeks!”  

Bernie immediately grabbed Charlotte’s hand, and, with a grateful smile at Serena, turned to leave.  Just as they were heading through the door, Serena called out.

“Oh, Bernie?  Don’t worry about the cakes, I’ll cover yours too.”

“Oh, god, yes!”  Bernie clapped her hand to her forehead.  “Are you sure?  I really appreciate that!  Thank you so much!”  she said.

“No problem,”  said Serena.  “Now go and have fun!”

 

As Bernie and Charlotte headed back up to Keller, Charlotte questioned Bernie.

“So, what was that about cakes?”

“Oh, we’ve got a Macmillan morning coming up in the hospital in a few days, Essie Harrison from down the road, oh, and from Keller, obviously, is going around extracting promises from people to bake cakes to sell.  Serena and I both got roped into agreeing to bake a couple of dozen cupcakes each - we were going to do it tonight.  Oh!”  Bernie suddenly stopped still.  “I didn’t think!  Would you have liked to help me make them?!  I can tell Serena not to worry, and that we’ll do my batch?”

Charlotte laughed.

“It’s ok, Mum.  It’s a fab mother-daughter bonding activity when you’re 8, but not something I need for us to do now.  I’m sure we can keep busy without risking setting fire to the kitchen!”  she smirked, linking her arm through Bernie’s.

“Ok,  but if you change your mind…”

Charlotte chuckled again, and shaking her head, dragged Bernie along the corridor back toward Keller.

 

It so happened that Serena had been right.  Bernie and Charlotte had chatted over a cup of tea, and Charlotte had admitted that she was feeling pretty exhausted, and would like to take at least the first couple of days of the holiday just relaxing at home.  Bernie had swallowed her enthusiasm for the list of activities she’d compiled in deference to Charlotte’s request.  For this first evening, she had agreed to Charlotte’s suggestion for a takeaway and a movie, and they’d just finished poring over the menus and rung through to order their final choice, when Bernie’s phone chimed with a text message.

“It’s Serena,”  she explained to Charlotte as she read it.  “She’s short on containers for all the cakes.  She’s going to pop round quickly and grab some, ok?”

“Sure.”  Charlotte shrugged, watching Bernie tap out a quick reply.

“I probably ought to get some plates and things ready, anyway.”  said Bernie, standing.  She was pottering around the kitchen a couple of minutes later, when Serena let herself in the front door, and came straight through.

“Hello again!” she said to Charlotte.  “Sorry to barge in, but I’ve got cupcakes covering all available surfaces, and not a damned thing to put them in!”  She leaned down, pulling open the cupboard next to where Bernie was reaching up for plates, in her search for the tupperware.

“Other side!”  instructed Bernie.

Serena stood, and, putting her hands on Bernie’s hips to steady herself as she went, she sashayed around to Bernie’s other side, bending down once more to examine the contents of the next cupboard.  She quickly found what she needed and grabbed a pile of containers out, tucking them under her arm.  Smiling at Charlotte, she leaned in to Bernie, giving her arm a quick squeeze as she offered thanks and wished them a wonderful week off together, before disappearing off, back to her own house.

 

Twenty minutes later, Bernie and Charlotte were sat at the kitchen table, tucking into their takeaway, when Charlotte piped up conversationally.

“So.  You and Serena, huh?”  she asked.

“Sorry, what about us?”  Bernie looked puzzled.

“How long have you been a couple?”  asked Charlotte.

“I… we…. _What_?!!”  Bernie choked on her mouthful, feeling the colour flood her face, before draining away just as quickly.

“You didn’t actually think you were trying to _hide_ it, did you?”  Charlotte looked amused.

“H-hide what?”  Bernie stuttered, totally unprepared to deal with this conversation.

“Your relationship, of course.”  said Charlotte, matter-of-factly.

“But we’re just friends!”  protested Bernie.

“With benefits, yeah?!”  Charlotte waggled her eyebrows.

“Well, friendship _is_ a benefit!”  tried to explain Bernie.

“Mum!  Are you _really_ trying to tell me you’re not dating her?”

“I’m, I’m not.  Definitely not.”

“Oh.  Oh well, never mind.”  Charlotte shrugged.

“Never mind?!  What does that mean?”

“It means, poor Serena.  She’s obviously nuts about you.  I kind of assumed you were nuts about her too, but I must have been wrong.  Because you wouldn’t have any reason to _lie_ to me, would you?!”

“You think Serena has feelings for me?!”  Bernie's head was awhirl.

“Well, d’uh!  It’s really obvious, Mum.”

“It doesn’t bother you that she’s a, a woman?!”

“Er, this isn’t the dark ages, Mum!  People love who they love!”

Bernie was reeling.  Here she was, sat with her daughter, discovering that having a relationship with a woman would be a non issue as far as Charlotte was concerned.  But far greater than that, for the first time, Bernie began to wonder if Charlotte could be right, and that there was even the slightest chance that Serena might have feelings for her.  Bernie shook her head slightly.  She had to end this conversation now, she couldn’t do this, couldn’t think like this. Not here, not right now.  The creeping tendrils of hope were more than she could cope with.

Fortunately, Charlotte was easily distracted by turning the relationship talk round to her, and enquiring after her love life.  Bernie was enchanted to hear Charlotte speak so freely about what was happening in her life, and listened as attentively as she could to all Charlotte had to tell her.  However, for the rest of the evening, and indeed, the rest of their fortnight together, the seed had been sown and Bernie couldn’t escape the tiny, distracting voice which whispered that she had a chance with Serena, and instructed her to finally confess her feelings.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A slightly shorter chapter, during which a fair bit of time passes. I'm sorry if it feels in any way choppy or rushed.
> 
> But wait! What’s that I see? A glimmer of hope on the horizon?! 
> 
> Final chapter will hopefully be ready for next Tuesday.


	12. Heaven Is A Place On Earth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are folks, the end of the line. I really hope that with this final chapter, I’ve been able to do justice to your support, and your patience with the slow burn!

Charlotte’s visit passed far too quickly.  After their initial couple of days of late mornings, and movie evenings, Bernie and Charlotte had set to work going through most of the suggestions on Bernie’s lists.  Charlotte had had a whale of a time, thoroughly enjoying being spoiled with Bernie’s time and attention, and Bernie had also enjoyed every second of the time spent with her daughter.  But sadly, the visit had now come to an end, and late Sunday afternoon saw Charlotte packed and on the train back to London, with promises to come for another extended visit during the summer.

 

Early Monday morning, Serena popped up to Keller with a coffee for Bernie.

“Hello, stranger!” she said as she approached.

Bernie chuckled.

“Hello yourself.  Stranger?!”

Serena shrugged.

“I just feel like I haven’t seen you for ages!  Did you and Charlotte have a lovely time?”

“We did, but as you can probably guess, it was a bit of a whirlwind.  Not that I’d have changed a moment of it, although…”  Bernie trailed off, looking thoughtful.

Serena raised an eyebrow.  Bernie dragged her mind back from the errant thought that it would have been made even more perfect if Serena had been with them.

“It really was lovely.  But I think I’m in need of a couple of days of rest now!” she continued.

Serena’s eyes crinkled with warmth.

“Movie night tonight?” she asked.

Bernie’s face fell.

“Oh, Serena!  I can’t, I, well, I’ve promised I’ll go to Jackie’s leaving do tonight.  And I’ve pulled late shifts from tomorrow until Thursday - I had to arrange some swaps so I could have the whole fortnight off with Charlotte.  I’m not around until Friday evening.”

Serena looked dismayed, and Bernie mentally kicked herself for upsetting her friend.

“Jackie?” questioned Serena.

“One of our Keller nurses - the one with the red hair.  You could, maybe you could come too?” asked Bernie, hopefully.

For a moment, Serena brightened, before slumping a little and shaking her head regretfully.  “I don’t even know her, it wouldn’t be right.”

Bernie sighed.  “Ok,” she said, resigned.  “Friday, then?  For the movie night?”

“Friday.” confirmed Serena.  “You choose the film, I’ll get the wine.”

“Ok, it’s a date!” said Bernie without thinking, immediately blushing.

Serena gave a small, pleased smile in response, before turning and heading back to AAU.

 

Bernie spent the entire week in a state of anxiety.  She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about what Charlotte had said to her, about what Cam had said all those months before, and also about the amused looks she had seen occasionally pass between their colleagues when she and Serena had both been at Albie’s, sitting side by side, shoulders pressed together, sharing inside jokes.  She’d always chosen to ignore the looks as meaningless, but now couldn’t help but dwell on the meaning behind every one.  

Working hard to sublimate her feelings for Serena had become second nature now, just as she had worked her whole life to sublimate the truth of who she was.  But if what Charlotte had said was true?  Perhaps it wouldn’t be the end of the world if Serena realised how she felt, perhaps she wouldn’t reject their friendship.  Perhaps, just perhaps, she might not be as died-in-the-wool heterosexual as Bernie had always believed.

 

By Friday, Bernie felt like she might explode.  She had seen Serena numerous times over the last couple of days - Serena had visited with coffees at the start of Bernie’s shifts, and popped in to say goodbye just as she had finished her own shift and left for home.  Each time Bernie had seen her, she had felt such a rush of excitement and possibility, and had tried to analyse every word and every look for a sign that Serena might feel more than friendship, but had ended up second guessing every moment, and feeling no less confused.

And now, late Friday afternoon, saw her finishing her shift, and heading home to get ready for her evening with Serena.  She had already chosen their film for the evening, and was currently agonising over what to wear, so beside herself with nerves that she could barely function.  She scrabbled through the clothes tossed all over her bed, muttering to herself all the while, telling herself firmly that this was just a film evening with her best friend with whom she had spent countless other evenings, not a date, for god's sake, so to stop being so pathetic and just grab some damned clothes.  She finally settled on a pair of slim fit trousers and a loosely fitted shirt.  Dabbing on some tinted lip gloss, and the merest hint of eyeliner, she ran her fingers through her hair to tame the waves, then grabbing up the film, her phone, and keys, she headed out of the house.

 

Next door, Serena was waiting in excited anticipation.  Not only because she had been starved of Bernie’s company and her need to spend time with her was verging on desperation, but also because later, she had some news to share with her - news that she’d only just today found out from Hanssen herself.  Everything was set up for the evening - she had a couple of bottles of wine opened and breathing in the kitchen, wine glasses set out ready on the coffee table in the living room, and she’d pulled the curtains to hasten the evening dusk, and dimmed the lights, ready for the full cinema experience.  After nearly three weeks of not spending any quality time with Bernie, she wanted the evening to be perfect so she could revel in every moment spent with the woman she loved.

When the doorbell rang, she practically skipped to the door, bubbling over with excitement as she flung it open wide to reveal Bernie, looking apprehensive.

“Bernie!” she exclaimed, beaming.  “Why didn’t you use your key?!”

Bernie shuffled from foot to foot, knuckles white as she tightly gripped the things she was holding.

“Oh, um, well, I don’t like to.  Well, I didn’t like to.  It’s been a few weeks, and I didn’t want to assume.  And when I know you’re in, it seems, well, rude.”

“Well, never mind.  Come in, come in!”  Serena brushed Bernie’s stutterings aside.  “What are we watching?” she asked, holding her hand out for the DVD.

For a moment, Bernie seemed reluctant to hand it over, but then she passed it to Serena.  Serena examined the case for a moment, turning it over to skim the back.

“Ah!  Carol!  This is great, I’ve been wanting to see this.  Heard good things!  Do you want to dive straight in, or have a cuppa or something first? Ooh, have you eaten?!”  Serena’s happiness at spending time with Bernie couldn’t be contained as the words tripped out of her, trying to find ways to show Bernie she cared.

A small bubble of happiness welled up inside Bernie, but was soon quashed by her overwhelming agitation.  She hadn’t eaten, but she knew she would never be able to force down a single mouthful.

“I, er, I’m not hungry.  Thank you.”

“No problem.  We can always grab some snacks whilst we’re watching if we get peckish later.”  Serena paused to study Bernie properly, reigning in her exuberance, as she finally noted her obvious discomfort.  She racked her brains, trying to work out what might be causing it, but although they’d not spent much time together over the last couple of weeks, they had spoken often and the interactions they’d had, had been untroubled.  Serena decided to let it go for now, let Bernie share anything that was on her mind in her own time, hopefully lubricated by wine, and relaxed by undemanding company and a good film.  Perhaps Bernie had just had a bad day.

“How about we sit down and catch up over a quick glass of wine, and then we can get started with the film?” she asked.

Bernie nodded wordlessly, still practically vibrating with agitation.

“Go on, then, go and make yourself comfortable whilst I grab the wine!”

Bernie headed into the living room, taking in the dimmed lighting and thinking how romantic it all felt.  She perched on the very edge of the sofa, wiping her sweaty palms on her legs.  Serena returned moments later, offering Bernie a beaming smile before leaning over to pour the wine, giving Bernie a perfect view of her shapely behind.  Bernie struggled to moisten her suddenly dry mouth, snapping her gaze away as Serena stood once more, and accepting the offered glass of wine.  Serena sank comfortably into the sofa next to Bernie, not quite touching, but not leaving any space between them either.

“So,” she began, “rough day?”

Bernie stared down at her hands, where they cupped her wine glass.

“Not really.  Same old.”  She realised that Serena was aware of her tension, and needed to offer a reason for it.  “I think I’m just a bit tired. Yours?”  she asked, making an effort.

“Mostly admin today.  But I’m not sorry it’s the weekend, or that I’m off until Monday!  You don’t have to go in tomorrow, do you?”  asked Serena.

“No.  I’m not back in til Monday either.”  confirmed Bernie.

“Oh, that’s great news!  Do you fancy going somewhere tomorrow then, having a day trip perhaps?”

Bernie frowned, aware of the real risk that Serena would be changing her mind about her offer by the end of the evening.  Not wanting to put her in a position where she had to retract an invitation, Bernie hedged.

“Um, I might just need to have a quiet weekend in, catch up on some sleep.  I don’t want to commit to something I might not be up to doing.”

“It’s ok, I understand.”  said Serena, soothingly.  “We can just see how you’re feeling in the morning.”

Bernie gave a tight smile in return.  

Accepting that Bernie really wasn’t in the mood for chatting, Serena leaned forward, picking up the DVD case from where she’d put it, next to the wine bottle.

“Shall we?”  she asked, waving it toward Bernie.

“Ok”.  Bernie gulped her response, nervously wondering when on earth she thought it would be a good idea to watch a lesbian themed film with the woman with whom she so desperately wanted to explore her sapphic desires.

 

Serena got up to put the disc in the machine, then returned to the sofa, snuggling back, if it were possible, screamed Bernie’s misfiring brain, even closer than before.  She reached out, giving Bernie a gentle dig in the ribs.

“Come on, relax!  You’re not going to enjoy the film balanced on the edge like that!”  she teased.

Bernie took a huge gulp of wine, before carefully easing herself backward, aware of the points of contact between herself and Serena, the pressure at thigh and arm sending heat throughout her body.  Serena seemed totally unaware of the effect she was having on Bernie as she affectionately nudged against Bernie’s shoulders.

“Here goes!” she said, as she pressed play.

 

Serena hadn’t been lying when she’d said she had wanted to see the film.  Since acknowledging her feelings for Bernie, she’d dipped in and out of various media portraying sapphic relationships, testing herself by putting herself in the shoes of the protagonists, and determining whether it was something she could feel comfortable with.  The answer, on all counts, had been a resounding yes.  Although Carol featured on her to-watch list, she hadn’t yet got round to seeing it, and the irony of watching it with Bernie by her side wasn’t lost on her.

She had missed spending time with Bernie terribly over the fortnight that Charlotte had been staying, and despite Bernie’s odd mood tonight, she was relying on the slowly reestablished intimacy between them since Bernie’s family had returned to London, to allow herself the pleasure of maintaining some form of physical contact this evening.  Indeed, as the film progressed, Serena’s attention was split between the visually stunning love story playing out before her, and the reality of Bernie beside her, twisting her in knots, body and soul.  Serena was minutely aware of the rigidity in Bernie’s frame, just not that it’s cause was a mirror of her own struggles.

Some way into the film, just as Carol and Therese had been intimate for the first time, Serena grabbed the remote and pressed pause.

“Sorry!”  she laughed.  “Bathroom break, and I think we need a top up, too!”

 

She reappeared a few minutes later with a fresh bottle of wine, to find Bernie had shifted to once again perch on the edge of the sofa.  Serena topped up Bernie’s glass, then her own, putting the bottle down and settling back into her spot.

“Ready?”  she asked.

Bernie lowered her head, gathering all her courage, and trying to stop her trembling hands.

“Have you,” she began, “Have _you_ ever kissed a woman?”  she asked, turning her head to look at the television, completely avoiding Serena’s gaze.

“Once or twice.” admitted Serena, after a brief pause.  Bernie’s head snapped round and she looked at Serena, eyes wide with surprise.  

“Not seriously, though.”  Serena continued.  “It happened once or twice at Uni, you know, just to find out what it was like.  But it was only a quick kiss, no more than that.  I've never actually been more than friends with a woman.”

Bernie just continued to look at her, eyes still wide.

“So what, um, what _was_ it like?” stammered Bernie.

Serena’s heart was pounding at the direction of the conversation, but she tried to maintain an air of studied nonchalance.

“It was… soft.  Sensual.  It was… nice.”  she said, watching Bernie carefully.

Bernie dropped her gaze again, hiding behind the fall of her hair.

“ _I_ want to know what it’s like.”  she said quietly.

Serena couldn’t believe her ears.  She had no idea how to respond.  She hesitated for a few beats, trying to work out what to say.

“Well, perhaps one day you’ll meet someone with whom you’d like to find out.” she settled on, finally.

“Couldn’t _you_ show me?”  Bernie replied with her face still hidden, so softly that Serena wasn’t sure she’d heard correctly.

“Bernie, I…” she began, shaking her head almost imperceptibly, overwhelmed with trepidation at being faced with an opportunity to do this thing she had fantasised about for so long.

“You’re my best friend.  I trust you.”  Bernie said, finally meeting Serena’s eyes again.

Serena swallowed hard.

“Are you sure?”  she asked.

Bernie’s eyes stayed steady on hers.

“I’m sure.”  she said quietly.

“What if you hate it?  Where would that leave us?  I don’t want things to become uncomfortable between us, your friendship means too much to me to do something to wreck it!”

“It won’t.  I won’t let it.  Please, Serena!”

Serena was lost.  Months of hiding her true feelings came crashing down upon her, and in that moment, the fight was lost and she couldn’t deny Bernie, or her own desires, any longer.  She shifted forward so she was seated on the edge of the sofa facing Bernie.  Putting her wine glass down on the coffee table, she held out her hand to take Bernie’s glass, which Bernie willingly relinquished.  When her hands were free once more, she turned back to Bernie, searching her face for some sign that she’d changed her mind.  Seeing none, she leaned forward a fraction, bringing their faces closer together.  She watched Bernie’s eyes flicker down to her lips, and she instinctively dipped her tongue out to wet her lower lip, sucking it into her mouth slightly before letting it slip back out.  Bernie’s lips parted, and Serena heard her breathy exhale as she watched, eyes darkening.

Serena lifted her hand, letting the tips of her fingers glide gently along Bernie’s jaw until they came to rest curled into the roots of her hair.  She allowed the pad of her thumb to smooth along Bernie’s cheekbone as she inched slightly closer, close enough that she could feel the warmth of Bernie’s breath tickling across her face.  She watched Bernie’s eyelids flutter closed, then she leaned forward to lightly brush her lips back and forth across Bernie’s.  After a moment, Serena made to withdraw, but she could feel Bernie’s body straining forward to keep the contact, so she pressed her lips more firmly against Bernie’s, taking little sips at her mouth.  She heard Bernie’s breath quicken, the soft moans she made as Serena continued kissing her arousing Serena beyond bearing, and she was helpless to stop herself from dipping out her tongue to trace Bernie’s top lip.

Bernie’s murmured noises deepened into a full throated moan, and she met Serena’s tongue with her own, causing Serena to start in surprise, and slide her arm around Bernie’s back, pulling her closer as she kissed her more deeply.

Serena felt the ache in her breasts and between her legs intensify, and she dragged herself away from Bernie’s lips before her desire betrayed her, and she did something that made Bernie feel uncomfortable.  After all, she had only expressed an interest in discovering what it was like to kiss a woman - a brief Serena had already thoroughly fulfilled.

Biting at her lower lip as she tried to force her traitorous body back under control, Serena rested her hands on Bernie’s upper arms, pushing back to establish a distance between them.

“I think we should stop now.”  she said, breathlessly.

“Why?”  Bernie’s voice was hoarse.

“Because I…”  

Hands still resting on Bernie’s arms, Serena trailed off, looking away, lost for words.  How could she tell Bernie that she was afraid of losing herself?  How could she explain her fear that Bernie's curiosity had just been piqued by the film?  That this was a one-off exploration into the unknown?  Serena wanted Bernie so much, she wasn't sure how she'd come back from being allowed this one moment with her, if it were never to be repeated.  And of course the worst outcome of all, would be if Bernie decided she hated the experience, and couldn't bear to be around the person who she had shared it with.  Then Serena would have not only experienced, then lost, her only chance to be with the woman she loved, she would have also lost her best friend to boot.  But there was no way she could articulate any of this to Bernie, so she just sat wordless, eyes dark with emotion, trying to control her breathing and find a reason to give Bernie as to why they should call a halt.

Her fractured thought process disintegrated entirely when she looked back into Bernie's eyes, as dark as her own, pupils blown wide, and saw no trace of hesitation there.

"I don't want you to stop."  whispered Bernie, lifting a hand to trail her fingertips down Serena's chest, brushing lightly over the aroused peak of her breast where it was clearly delineated through the fabric of her clothes.

Serena let out a loud, guttural groan, surrendering the fight, consequences be damned.  She grabbed hold of Bernie, pulling her close and crashing their lips together.  Bernie responded with equal passion, taking hold of one of Serena’s wrists and pulling Serena's hand down onto her breast.  Serena pulled back to look down to where her fingers rested atop Bernie’s clothes, resting her forehead against Bernie’s, unable to hold back an exhalation of pure joy as she explored the shape and weight in her hand.  As she gently pinched and rolled Bernie’s rapidly hardening nipple between her thumb and fingers, Bernie’s breath came faster, and her head fell backward.  Serena felt a fresh rush of arousal at the glorious length of Bernie’s neck, stretched out before her, and she leaned in once more to press hot, open mouthed kisses along its length, nipping gently with her teeth when she reached the juncture of neck and shoulder.

Bernie gave a shudder of pleasure, threading her fingers through Serena’s hair, encouraging her to continue the assault on her neck.  Serena needed no further coaxing, dragging her tongue back up the length of Bernie's neck to kiss along her jawline, fingers feverishly releasing the buttons on Bernie’s shirt as she went.  When the last button was dispensed with, Serena moved to Bernie’s lips, kissing her passionately, pouring all her love and need into the kiss.  

She cupped Bernie’s cheek, easing back slightly as she began to kiss her way back down Bernie’s neck again, trailing a leisurely path across her chest, slowly easing open her shirt as she went.  As she reached the swell of Bernie’s breasts, Serena paused, glancing up at her face, looking for reassurance.  Bernie was staring back at her, breath coming harshly through parted lips, a flush highlighting her cheekbones, and her eyes blazing with a desire hotter than anything Serena had ever imagined.  Her moment of hesitation melted away, and without breaking eye contact, Serena roughly pulled the shirt from Bernie's arms, reaching behind her to fumble with her bra strap, leaning forward to gently nip at Bernie's lower lip whilst she worked at the strap.  It took a couple of attempts before she finally managed to unfasten it, then, throwing Bernie’s bra to one side, Serena slid down from her seat on the sofa to kneel on the floor at Bernie’s feet, cupping Bernie’s breasts in her hands and examining them in wonder.

“My god, Bernie.  You are stunning!”  she breathed.

Serena may not have been intimate with a woman before, but she felt no hesitation in leaning forward to capture one of Bernie's nipples between her lips, exploring the texture with slow sweeps of her tongue, experimenting with gentle scrapes with her teeth, and stroking and caressing with her fingers.  She very quickly discovered that she loved breasts - especially Bernie’s.  She loved feeling the weight of them as she cupped them in her hands, the feel of the nipples as she rubbed her thumbs and then her lips across them, and most of all, she loved the litany of gasps and muttered praise which poured from Bernie, amidst her rapid exhalations, in response to Serena's ministrations.

Bernie's fingers were gripping hard on Serena's neck whilst Serena worked at Bernie’s breasts, her fingers feverishly burrowing under the neck of Serena's top to stroke and dig into the bare flesh there.

Serena slid her hands down from Bernie's breasts to grip her waist, thumbs stroking across the smooth flesh of her sides.  Wanting to explore every inch of Bernie's toned body with her eyes and lips as well as her hands, Serena gently pushed Bernie back onto the sofa until she was reclining against the cushions, and kissed downward from Bernie's chest, pausing at her stomach to breathe in the scent of Bernie's warm flesh, and to rub her cheek across the almost imperceptible but gloriously soft swell which lay over the hard play of muscles beneath. She slid her hands over Bernie's hips, curling her fingertips beneath the waistband of Bernie's trousers, the backs of her fingers brushing gently across Bernie's lower abdomen.  Serena stilled for a moment, conscious through her haze of desire that she had far exceeded what Bernie had originally asked her to do, and no real discussion had passed between them since.  Bernie had very adequately communicated that she had been comfortable with what had passed between them to this point, but as much as Serena wanted to just surrender to her own desire and continue her exploration of Bernie's body, she was afraid to take the next step without securing Bernie's consent.  Closing her eyes and rubbing her cheek once more against Bernie's stomach, Serena whispered Bernie's name into the soft skin, dragging her tongue along in a path just above the waistband of her trousers to taste the flesh there.

Bernie let out a sound that was half pleading, half growl, and raised her hips slightly off the sofa, reaching down to thread her fingers again through Serena's hair.

"Don't stop!"  she begged.

Serena needed no further confirmation.  Quickly releasing the fastening on Bernie's trousers, she peeled them down Bernie's legs, tossing them to the floor alongside Bernie's shirt and bra.  She feasted her eyes on the familiar length of Bernie's legs from ankles to thighs, briefly flashing back to the first night she had seen them, all those months ago, when she and Bernie had sat drinking wine on her patio. However warm the sight had made her back then, it was nothing to the inferno they ignited within her now, now that she finally had permission to touch that which she had so long admired.  As she stroked her hands up Bernie's calves and along her thighs, parting them as she went, Serena could no longer keep quiet about how beautiful she found Bernie, and the exploration of her hands was joined by hot kisses punctuated with mutterings of awe and wonder at the delights of Bernie's body.

All too soon, yet not soon enough, Serena reached Bernie’s underwear.

When she had first contemplated the idea of making love to a woman - to Bernie - she had briefly wondered if she would feel trepidation at this moment.  But right here, right now; surrounded by the scent of Bernie's arousal, her nerve endings alight with the feel of Bernie's skin beneath her fingertips, eyes feasting on the evidence of Bernie's desire darkening her underwear - had she really been able to do that to Bernie? she thought in wonder - Serena felt no hesitation at all. She pressed her lips to Bernie's core through her underwear, eliciting a sound of desperation from Bernie.

“More?”  whispered Serena, nosing more firmly into Bernie.

“More!”  The word spilled from Bernie as a strangled moan, her hips twitching helplessly.

Serena hooked her fingers into Bernie’s underwear, slowly drawing them down her legs, revealing the last secrets held by the body of the woman she’d fallen in love with.  She pulled the underwear away from Bernie’s feet, slowly smoothing her hands back up Bernie’s legs as she gazed in wonderment at Bernie’s sex, laying open before her, swollen and glistening in arousal.

She reached out, trailing her finger through the wetness dampening Bernie’s curls, making Bernie buck her hips and whimper in desperation.  

“Take off your top!”  begged Bernie, voice husky and pleading.

Serena straightened, pulling her top over her head, and reaching around to the fastening of her bra, stilling for a moment with her eyes fixed on Bernie, until Bernie’s jerky nod encouraged her to release the catch and allow her bra to slip down her arms to fall on the floor.  She straightened up, allowing Bernie to look at her naked breasts, her hands resting on Bernie’s legs, thumbs drawing slow circles high up on her inner thighs.

Bernie’s mouth had fallen open as she took in the Serena’s curves, eyes hooded and darker than Serena had ever seen them.  She reached out her hand, stroking across Serena’s breast, rubbing her thumb across her nipple, tongue dipping out to moisten her lips as if she were imagining taking Serena’s nipple into her mouth.  Serena arched her back into Bernie’s caress, sliding her hands higher up Bernie’s thighs until her circling thumbs were stroking across Bernie’s outer labia.

“Oh god!”  ground out Bernie, hips jerking involuntarily.

“May I?”  asked Serena huskily, watching as she pushed more insistently with her thumb, to slip further into Bernie’s wetness.

“Oh god, I need to… I want…”  Bernie babbled incoherently.

“It’s ok, Bernie.  Tell me what you want.  I’ve got you, tell me what you want me to do for you.”  Serena’s eyes were fixed hungrily on Bernie’s sex as she spoke.

“I just, I need, oh god, _please_!”

Taking pity on her, Serena fell back on her haunches once more, nudging Bernie’s legs even further apart, and, using her thumbs to smooth aside Bernie’s damp curls and spread her lips, Serena leaned down and tasted Bernie for the first time.

Bernie tasted divine.  Serena wasn’t unfamiliar with the general taste of female arousal - as someone who had taken pleasure in her own body, both with partners and alone, she had on many occasions tasted her own secretions.  The taste of Bernie was both familiar, yet subtly different; and that taste, along with the stimulation of her other senses - sight, smell, the silky slick heat on her mouth and chin; combined together with her own arousal and emotions to make this act the most erotic of her life.

Serena explored Bernie thoroughly with her tongue, licking and sucking her way along Bernie’s folds, circling then lapping at her clit a few times before working her way back down and teasing Bernie’s entrance.  She tried to use Bernie’s responses to guide her actions, but Bernie’s hips were twitching unceasingly, a litany of moans pouring from her throat, and Serena was unable to discern a particular action that was triggering a stronger response than any other.  Using her own pleasure map as a guide, Serena returned her attention to Bernie’s clit, sucking it gently and lapping with her tongue tip; alternating this with circling with her tongue in varying speeds, patterns and pressure.  She pushed the pad of her thumb into Bernie’s entrance, the pressure firm but barely penetrating, the pad just barely slipping in and out, teasing the sensitive nerve endings there.

It took mere minutes for Bernie’s body to spasm, back arching off the sofa and muscles contracting strongly around Serena’s thumb.  Serena continued to gently lave Bernie’s clit with her tongue until the flutterings stilled, then she lifted her head slightly to better look at Bernie, taking in the deep flush covering her chest, and her thrown back head, eyes closed.

Serena reached out, clasping one of Bernie’s hands with her own, waiting for her to come around.  A moment later, Bernie opened her eyes, slowly pulling herself into an upright position.

“Serena, I…”  Bernie tailed off, shaking her head slightly and looking embarrassed.

Serena smiled encouragingly, sitting back up on the sofa next to Bernie.

“You were incredible!”  she said.  “Are you…  Are _we_ ok?”

Bernie squeezed Serena’s hand, shifting around to better face Serena.  She blushed, a self-conscious smile pulling at the corners of her mouth.

“I am _more_ than ok!”  she said, lowering her gaze to Serena’s chest and shyly reached out to caress Serena’s breast with her free hand.

“It’s ok, Bernie, you don’t have to.”  said Serena huskily, despite her body betraying her arousal and response to Bernie’s touch.

Bernie darted her tongue out to moisten her upper lip, exhaling in a rasp.

“I _want_ to!  You wouldn’t believe how much I want to!”  she assured, releasing Serena’s hand to cup her other breast.  

Bernie leaned forward, pressing her lips to Serena’s, tasting herself there.  She deepened the kiss with Serena’s encouragement until both women were breathing heavily once more.  Slowly, Bernie worked her way down Serena’s body with lips and fingertips, beginning to tentatively explore Serena’s breast with her mouth, her confidence growing by the second in response to Serena’s unashamed and vocal reactions to her ministrations.  Serena tangled both her hands in Bernie's hair, holding her head in place at her breast, breath rasping harshly from her throat.

Bernie slid her hands further down Serena’s torso, pushing her hands beneath the waistband of Serena’s trousers, splaying her fingers around Serena’s hips.   With a frustrated groan, Serena released Bernie’s head, hands moving down to quickly release the fastening of her trousers, impatiently pushing at the loosened waistband to better allow Bernie the access she craved.  Taking the hint, Bernie smoothed her hands more firmly down Serena’s sides, pushing her trousers down as Serena lifted her hips, taking her underwear along with them.  She had just removed them from Serena’s ankles, when Serena reached down for her, fixing her with a pleading gaze.

“Come here and kiss me!”  she begged.  

Bernie immediately obliged, sliding her arms around Serena as she captured her lips again, tongues battling as the kiss deepened.  Bernie pushed Serena down so she was lying on the sofa, still locked in the kiss, dropping her legs to the floor even as she kept their upper bodies pressed together.  One arm locked behind Serena, Bernie swept down Serena’s body with her free hand, stroking and caressing past her breasts and along her stomach, fingertips brushing delicately over the scar there, before finally coming to tease across her lower abdomen and curls. Overwhelmed at having the privilege of having Serena so trusting and open before her, Bernie couldn’t hold back from expressing her pleasure, beginning to punctuate her kisses with a litany of praise.

_“My god, Serena, you’re so beautiful!_

_You taste incredible!_

_Your skin is so soft, I could touch you forever..._

_I wish you knew what seeing you like this was doing to me._

_I want you, I want to make you feel good..._

_Show me what you like…_

_I never want to stop touching you…”_

Finally Bernie slipped her fingers through the curls to lightly stroke down over Serena’s clit.  Both women groaned, Serena’s fingers tightening almost painfully on Bernie’s waist as she bit down on Bernie’s lower lip.

“Yessss!”  hissed Bernie.  “Tell me how to touch you!”  she commanded.

“Please don’t stop!”  panted Serena.  “I want to feel you inside me!”

Bernie did as commanded, sliding her fingers further down until she could circle Serena’s entrance, before pushing first one, then two fingers inside her.

“Ohhhhh, god!”  groaned Serena.  “That feels so good!”

Bernie experimented a little with pushing her fingers in and out, varying the pressure, and the curve of her fingers.  Serena was deliciously vocal in her responses, showing Bernie what worked best for her in moans and praise, and Bernie was soon sure enough in her rhythm that she was able to add her thumb to stroke across Serena’s clit.

Serena was lost.  She had been so unbelievably turned on from making love to Bernie - almost enough to orgasm from that act alone - and despite her initial concern that Bernie was reciprocating through duty rather than desire, Bernie’s stream of praise, and her clear delight in touching Serena had erased any pleasure-blocking concerns.  Now, there was nothing but Bernie’s fingers, Bernie’s mouth, Bernie’s obvious pleasure, Bernie’s words of praise; and Serena flew off the edge of the world, falling suddenly silent, body bowstring taut as wave after wave of pleasure washed over her.  Through the wash of near oblivion, she could just hear Bernie’s voice, repeating over and over:

“Oh, god, Serena!  I love you!  I love you so much!  You’re perfect!  I love you…”

And those words, combined with Bernie’s still gently stroking fingers were enough to send Serena over the edge again, as a second orgasm racked her body, right on the heels of the first.

A short time later, Serena came back to herself, slumped on the sofa, limbs heavy and languid.  She briefly wondered if she might even have blacked out for a moment.  She opened her eyes to see Bernie, still leaning over her, smiling softly, and stroking Serena’s hair back from her forehead.  She smiled back at Bernie.

“Hi!”  she said.

Bernie broke from a smile into a beam.

“Hello, you!”  she said, happily.

Serena pulled herself up to a sitting position, looking down at Bernie, still kneeling on the floor beside the sofa.

“Did I…  Did you…”  she wetted her lips.  “I mean, I thought I heard you say…”

“You did.”  Bernie’s smile faltered, and she looked down, speaking toward her knees.  “I love you, Serena.  I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but…”

Serena stopped her by reaching down and snagging one of Bernie’s arms, tugging her gently up to sit on the sofa beside her.  She reached for both of Bernie’s hands, holding them tightly, face alight with happiness.

“You don’t need to be sorry!  I’m not!  Because, because I love you too!  Have for a while!”  A little chuckle of delight and happiness at finally being free to say the words gurgled up and burst out, unbidden.

“Really?!”  Bernie’s eyes searched Serena’s, her voice filled with wonder and elation.  

“Oh, Serena!  I love you so much!  You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say that!”

Bernie slid her arms around Serena, pulling her into a close embrace, burying her head in the crook of Serena’s neck, kissing her and whispering her love into the skin there.  Serena wrapped her arms around Bernie, resting her cheek atop Bernie’s head and stroking the sensitive skin in the nape of her neck, eyes closed in happiness.  She couldn’t believe this was actually happening - that months of yearning was finally translated in holding Bernie in her arms, having the freedom to touch her, to tell her how wonderful she was, and how much she meant to her.  She pulled away slightly, cupping Bernie’s face between her hands and pressing a brief, chaste kiss to her lips.

“Stay with me?”  she asked, softly.

“ _Always_.” promised Bernie, the intensity in her eyes affirming the truth of her words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, my. I appear to have thrown in a short epilogue. Please feel free to end the story here, it gets soppier!


	13. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If kitsch and twee are your thing, this epilogue is for you! If not, do feel free to ignore it :-)

Hand in hand, Bernie and Serena had made their way upstairs to Serena’s bedroom, to the bed they had last shared as just friends, when thoughts of their current intimacy were but a dream.  This time when they came together, everything was slow, and unhurried, devoid of the uncertainty which had hovered in the background before.  Every touch, each slow exploration was filled with marvel and joy as they were finally free to demonstrate their love for each other, and learn to give and accept pleasure without fear of rejection.

Later, lying entwined in each other's arms, neither woman could stop looking at the other, smiles stretched on both their faces.

“I can’t believe this is happening!”  said Serena, reaching up to lightly touch Bernie’s cheek.

“I know.”  said Bernie.  “I’ve never imagined that, well, that I could feel so happy!”  

She blushed, making Serena beam.

“Oh, my love!”  she said.  “I know what you mean!  I’ve been in love with you for quite some time, Berenice Wolfe, and not once in all that time, did I imagine for a moment that you might feel the same way!”

“So, um, when did you know?”

“That I loved you?  Let’s see.  I knew I was attracted to you almost immediately after we met…”

“But didn’t that _bother_ you?  That I was a…”

“A woman?”  Serena shrugged.  “It was a bit of a surprise, certainly.  But no, it didn’t bother me.  It is what it is, and you, well, you’re, incredible!”  she smiled, happily.  “As to when I realised I loved you, I think it was when Marcus wanted to take you back to London, and I thought I might lose you.  It made me acknowledge exactly what you meant to me!”

“Why didn’t you say something?!”

“To my straight friend?!  Come on!”  Serena chuckled.  “But what about you?”

“For me, it was when you were ill.  It scared me so much, the thought of losing you, then when I took you home, it just suddenly hit me, how I felt about you.  It was pretty confusing.”  Bernie admitted.  

“Alongside everything that was happening with Marcus, to have fallen in love with someone else… Someone who wasn’t a, a man”  she shook her head.  “I admire you _so much_ , Serena.  You are so brave, so confident in yourself.  I can’t imagine being like that.  I only wish I could!”

“Bernie, you are the most fantastic, fearless doctor in the entire hospital!”

Bernie shook her head once more.

“No.  I’m a coward, Serena.  You are the first woman I’ve been this close with.  But even when I married Marcus, somewhere, deep down, I’ve always known that…”  she trailed off, her implication clear.

“It’s ok, Bernie.”  Serena whispered, running her fingers along Bernie’s jaw.  “It’s ok now.  You don’t need to pretend any more.  Whatever happened before, we got here, to this point, together.  It’s going to be ok.  It’s going to be great!  I love you!”  she giggled again.  “I’m sorry!  I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of saying that!”

Bernie smiled briefly.

“I love you too,”  she said, looking earnestly into Serena’s eyes.  “And I’m ready.  I’m ready to stop hiding, to _be_ with you.”  she leaned forward, pressing a kiss against Serena’s lips.

“I’ll do whatever you need, to support you, you know.”  said Serena earnestly, when they broke apart.  She frowned and cleared her throat as a sudden thought struck her.  

“Will you tell Charlotte and Cameron?”  she asked, delicately.

Bernie laughed.

“I will, but neither of them will be surprised!”  she said.

Serena raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“Cameron has been suspicious since he saw us walking back from the pub that night, and Charlotte was completely shocked that we _weren’t_ in a relationship this last couple of weeks!”  chuckled Bernie.  

Serena’s brows shot up in surprise, before she smiled too, glad that Bernie would seemingly have the support of her children.

“Will you tell Elinor?”  asked  Bernie, suddenly more soberly.

Serena grimaced.

“Ah, my darling daughter!  As much as I love her, I can’t deny she’s strong willed and opinionated, and thrives on disagreeing with me!  But I will tell her, and deal with whatever reaction she chooses to throw at me!  Whatever her initial reaction, she’ll come around.  She may come first in my life, but you _far_ outrank her tantrums!”  she assured.

Bernie gave a wry smile, looking downward whilst toying with the short hairs at the nape of Serena’s neck, softly stroking patterns into the sensitive skin there.  A tiny moan from Serena had her eyes snapping back up to Serena’s face, taking in the dilated pupils and the slightly parted lips.

“ _Again_?!” she said, in awe and delight.

“Again!”  groaned Serena, lunging forward to press Bernie down into the mattress.

 

Later still, after a midnight snack had appeased the growling in Bernie’s stomach, Bernie and Serena were once again snuggled up in bed.

“Is it going to be too much, to be together and work together, do you think?”  asked Bernie, seriously.

“Oh, I don’t think we’ll have a problem.  We’re not children any more, we know what we’re doing.  And I haven’t waited all these years to meet someone special, only to barely ever see her.”  Serena winked and grinned.

“At least we don’t work on the same ward!” said Bernie.

“Ah, well, about that.”  Serena looked slightly sheepish.  “You know the report I’ve been compiling on and off, on the laptop?”

“You mean the thing that you keep shutting down whenever I appear in the room?!”  asked Bernie.

“Ah, yes!  That’s the one!  Well, it’s actually a proposal. Or at least, it was, but it’s now been approved.  It’s for a new Trauma Unit, on AAU…”

**_Fin_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I’m not too great at smut. (Well, at writing it, anyway ;-)). I tend to walk a line that’s a little too Mills & Boon-y, (all soft love making and not much raw sex) and a lot too descriptive (I suppose just because _I_ need to know where everyone’s body parts are at any given time, and exactly how they move from one place to another, I’m not sure it all has to be described in excruciating detail. I’m pretty sure most people have enough imagination to fill in a few gaps!). Regardless, I hope the final chapters were ok.
> 
>  
> 
> _Finally, thank you so much for coming along for the ride. I’ve loved writing this (and the other few fics I’ve done), but it all kind of means nothing if there isn’t someone to read it. And I feel so honoured that there have been people who have taken the time to comment on what I’ve written. Comments are always very welcome - so thank you SO MUCH!_
> 
>  
> 
> Ali x

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't kidding when I said this was slow burn!


End file.
